Baibak

personal energocorrection system


Sarah Jackson, 29 years old

I can say that Baibak has come to me at exactly the right time. I am really interested to do it for so many reasons. I have been dealing with several different health issues as follows:

  • Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrom (PCOS) — Diagnosed 2 years ago but have had symptoms for well over 10 years (masked by using birth control pill, which I am no longer taking, hence symptoms became noticeable once more).
    Symptoms include: painful cramps, extended bleeding, unwanted hair growth, mood swings, depressive outbursts etc.
  • Noticeable lumpiness in right breast for some time.
  • Previously suffered from ice pick headaches/migraines (occasionally have some mild recurring symptoms).
  • Strong pain in right knee.
  • Regular discomfort in stomach including bloating, gas, cramps, and sometimes nausea/vomiting.
  • Nasal Pollips — Was diagnosed 2 years ago — small growths inside the nostrils, causing stuffiness/congestion, and headaches — was prescribed a steroid spray but stopped using it. Occasionally experience some mild symptoms.
  • Mild but persistent acne.
  • Shortsightedness (currently wearing glasses for long-distance vision at — 2 prescription).
  • Tooth decay/cavities — experience pain sometimes when eating/drinking.
  • Hypermobility (double-jointed) causing regular inflammation and pain in joints (knee, wrists, ankles).

Other issues:
  • Confidence and self-esteem issues.
  • Lack of motivation/direction.
Other healing/spiritual techniques I have tried:
  • Vipassana meditation (10 day course).
  • Hatha Yoga (including asanas, meditation, pranayama, laya yoga, tantra yoga)
  • Rebirthing
  • Theta Healing (Certified Practitioner)
Most of these techniques yielded some tangible results, but I guess I found them to either be too time consuming, expensive, or at times too strict. I was also lazy to do some of them regularly. With Theta Healing, even though I was able to conduct healing sessions on myself, they were few and far between. I found that I didn't trust myself, my ability as a healer. I am now looking for the way to improve my life on a more wholesome level.
15 july 2014, 17:28  Sarah Jackson Public Diaries 0   31 +2

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  1. Sarah Jackson 15 july 2014, 17:43 # 0
    Ok so today's the day — my first Cosmoenergy session using the Baibak system. There were a a few things I was apprehensive about, like «Will I do it right?», «Will the purifications be too much?» But I guess that's exactly why the process appealed to me, its ease of use, fast effectivity etc. A few side effects are definitely worth long term benefits!

    Protocol «Download»:
    I installed the download as instructed. I didn't yawn, so had to do the key phrase 10 times (in my head). I definitely felt energy sensations around my head, and some in my hands/fingers too. I guess it felt a bit like having «pins and needles», like when you sit cross-legged for too long and you start to get that sensation in your legs before they go numb. Only it wasn't painful or anything. I've experienced these sensations before, during meditation and yoga, so it was quite normal for me. The sensations stayed for some time after the download had finished — like a pressure sensation in some areas, though overall I had the sensation of there being a ball of energy surrounding my skull, like a bubble/balloon. «Hotspots» of sensations were at back of my head/neck, cheeks and temples. I also felt mild nausea, though this subsided after some time (and before continuing to next step). I took a 10 minute rest, used the toilet and drank water, and then got ready for the full Baibak system.

    Baibak;
    Again, no «yawning» therefore key phrase repeated 10 times. Once more I felt energy sensations in my hands, and gradually in my feet. This moved up through my arms and legs, and eventually it felt like my legs were «stuck», like being knee/thigh-deep in mud, or that many hands were pushing/holding me up. I also felt pressure around wrists, like they were being held/squeezed by somebody. I felt some sensations around my head also. My arms felt full of warmth, which sometimes spread to body. A fair amount of internal dialogue was going on (despite being told to try and relax/not think about things). A lot of it was related to the process itself (for example, feeling a particular sensation was followed closely with a though about how I would describe the sensation afterwards). I can't recall any significant dialogues from past etc. cropping up, it was mainly «chit chat». I noticed my body swaying occasionally, and sometimes a small area of apparent tension would suddenly release, making my body jerk slightly. I could describe it like feeling rubber bands snapping inside my body. Towards the end of the process, I started to feel dull pain in my right breast (the area known to be harbouring a manifested abscess of some kind). This pain lasted for some time after the process was finished, and while I discussed all this with providers.

    Afterwards, I felt good, although very sleep initially. After some time, all pain previously mentioned disappeared. My appetite kicked in to action, and there were no noticeable side effects.
    Later that same day, I joined friends for a dinner party. I ate some particularly heavy (and delicious) food, accompanied by a sizeable glass of wine (not sure why) which I thoroughly enjoyed, but eventually I started to become tired of my drunk self (not that I was drunk, but my behaviour was noticeably different than normal, well to me anyway, I'm not sure anybody else noticed!). I started feeling very tired, so decided to leave around 10pm. I managed to stub my foot while leaving, breaking a large chunk of nail from big toe. I can't recall what I was thinking about at the time, but this kind of thing usually happens to me when I've got some negative thoughts swimming around in my head. While driving home that same night, I had many paranoid/worried thoughts about my behaviour at the party, what the guests thought about some of my comments, and about why I had stubbed my toe. I also felt some fear, though I couldn't work out what I was afraid of!
    Anyway, I've finally got home after a long day, and am very tired — ready for bed for sure!
    1. Sarah Jackson 17 july 2014, 13:45 # 0
      Monday:
      So it's the day after my first session. Woke before my alarm (5:30) with strong cramp in right calf. Strange dreams in the night involving my parents and whole family.
      Noticed that I felt quite nauseous when I got out of bed. Showered and did some yoga.
      Prepared to leave for work, but as I started driving, noticed that my handling of the motorbike was a bit «off», wobbling a little, not making corners etc. how I usually would. Decided I would go back home and call in sick for work.
      Got back home, had some rest. Drank more water, had a fruit shake and started to feel better. Ate some salad, and did some work in the garden.
      Some friends came round and we played poker. I can say that my emotions were a bit up and down the entire time. I felt myself reacting sometimes to small situations, but by and large was able to catch myself and change my mood before allowing it to sour the present moment.
      After friends left, continued to eat dried mango, drink water etc.
      Felt a bit «down» and at a loss for what to do with myself — I guess I could say I was quite agitated yet lethargic at the same time. Had a nap outside in our hammock.
      After much indecision in my mind, finally decided to get my sketch book out and do some drawing/painting. Eventually decided to start a series of chakra paintings, including some mantras/affirmations to do whilst carrying out the cosmic energy process. Therefore started with muladhara chakra (red).
      Upon «finishing» this first picture, feeling quite good. Positive mood but relaxed, not agitated as had felt earlier in the day.
      I can say that I have a general increased sense of awareness, i.e. recognising old behaviour patterns and making a conscious choice to change them rather than following a known path of negativity.
      Period today was light (day 3), no cramps etc.
      Skin not so good condition (face and shoulders/back).
      Overall, mood has been a bit up and down, but has stayed within a «happy medium».
      1. Sarah Jackson 17 july 2014, 13:54 # 0
        Tuesday:
        Woke up feeling tired but fresh after showering.
        Did yoga but was interrupted by my boyfriend sweeping the floor around me. Ended up feeling a little overwhelmed by the interrupting thoughts that arose, and started to cry whilst trying to do the final 2 rounds of sun salutations. Felt much better after finishing yoga.
        Found 2000 baht in my passport! Went to check what date my next visa reporting is due, and found the money slipped inside (from where I thought I had to pay last time, but didn't!) — very happy days!
        Fairly good day at work. Have been catching myself quite a lot this afternoon, making negative comments etc., involving myself in conversations with a negative focus. Hoping to catch them before they come out of my mouth in the future!
        Was fairly exhausted when I got home. Had a bit of a strange time with my boyfriend, not sure what was going on but the mood between us seemed off. As we're both doing the Baibak sessions, I thought it best to let it be and not get caught up in what may or may not have been going on.
        Sought somesolitude in the bedroom — perhaps it was all just my own paranoia, as this has been a fairlystandard pattern of behaviour, where usually my own mood has initiated some kind of mirror in him, but this time it began as soon as I walked through the door, without foul mood within myself.
        Later it was all fine. After dinner, went for a walk to look at the stars together, then prepared for sleep and to do 2nd Baibak session…
        Almost immediately felt energy in my hands and creeping up the arms. Strong pressure sensation around left arm. Realised that I had picked an odd spot to do it — in the bedroom without a fan — started feeling pretty hot very quickly. Also, my feet started to hurt at several times, but I kept standing and didn't open my eyes. Many minds came during the 18 minutes, some about events from the day (e.g. faces and phrases people had said, but this is not uncommon after a hard day's work), also brief flashes from movie scenes (Anchorman 2?!). Tried to focus on relaxing, not following these thoughts etc. Also had some mild but sharp pain in left breast.
        Overall feeling good, did feel some nausea towards the end though this may have been due to the heat!
        Now feeling quite tired so am preparing for bed.
        1. Sarah Jackson 17 july 2014, 13:57 # 0
          Wednesday:
          Awoke before my alarm to birdsong. Felt nauseous again, but after a nice shower felt fine and did yoga. Set off to work feeling very positive indeed (singing most of the way!)
          Had a really good day at work — lots of fun activities and positivity.
          Went to the market on my way home to pick up some things for dinner, ended up cooking a pretty large meal, leaving me feeling very sleepy.
          Went to bed quite early (about 8/8:30pm).
          1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 05:16 # 0
            Thursday:
            Woke up with alarm, fairly sleepy but got going once I got in the shower.
            Had some slight stomach pains in the morning after a fairly heavy meal the night before.
            Made a shake and salad to take to work. Busy day, and again have caught myself a few times joining in some bad-mouthing of a colleague, trying to resist when I noticed, but more often than not I just end up «toning down» my comments.
            Have noticed stomach ache today, particularly after lunch (did I eat too much? perhaps). Hopefully it will pass later. Mild diarrhea around 4pm, and then felt a bit better. Had a nice dinner, and then I did my next Baibak session.
            This time was quite different to the last, when I had been quite impatient for it to finish (because my feet hurt so bad). This time it went by much faster. Also, this was the first time that I yawned during the start — I got to only 6 repetitions of the key phrase (which previously I'd done the full 10 times on each occasion).
            I got the same energy sensations in my hands, and strong pressure up my lower arms, at times as if someone was holding them. I also got some pain in my left foot but it was hardly noticeable. My mind however was all over the place at times, and kept drifting away, although most of the time I managed to «ignore» it eventually. My boyfriend came into the room whilst I was doing the session, which was quite distracting. I didn't open my eyes though, and tried to just continue relaxing. When I opened my eyes, and saw him there, it made mewake up very fast. Rather than sit on the bed and relax, I decided to go into the living room and sit on the sofa, then eventually make my way outside and sit on our terrace on the wall. I found the noise of the wildlife around quite soothing, as my mind was very calm, but also I felt a certain "emptiness" and was conscious that I did not want to fill it with anger etc. at my boyfriend, because he had done nothing wrong.
            Anyway, after quite some time (and realising that I could well fall asleep sitting up as I was so relaxed), I made my way back to the bedroom, said goodnight to him, and went to sleep (very quickly).
            I had very vivid dreams, although I cannot recall specifics.
            1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 05:21 # 0
              Friday:
              I awoke this morning feeling a little sleepy as usual, just before my alarm, but once I was up and moving I felt very alert.
              Showered and did some yoga. Got ready for work and arrived feeling on point.
              I guess I feel like I have hadcoffee because I feel full of energy — it's great! It's Friday, and I feel good :)
              After a long day at work, felt tired but not as much as I usually do by that point.
              Had a massage with reiki treatment from my friend after work — was really good. Very relaxing. My friend did some guided meditation for me. I visualised jumping into the ocean and becoming a sting-ray. Meeting a sea snake who showed me to a cavern with a giant blue diamond. I changed form back to a human and was then encapsulated in the diamond as energy flowed up into it, through my chakras, and out the top. In another scene, I met my younger self (around 3/4 years old). I told the younger me "I love you" to which she replied "I know" and then proceeded to show me a dragon in the sky (clouds) but I could of course see it too. I also did some spontaneous visualisation of healing on my liver and kidneys.
              My boyfriend picked me up and we went home and had a heavy dinner before going to sleep.
              1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 05:30 # 0
                Saturday:
                Woke up very sleepy today, had a bit of a snooze before getting up sometime around 8:30ish.
                Remembered a dream I had in which I was still doing my current job, and things were going from strength to strength. I was enjoying it, having fun etc., but I realised whilst dreaming that I still had a sense of emptiness. That I did not feel fulfilled or truly happy in this role. I guess this pretty much sums up how I feel about my work at the moment.
                After a long shower did my morning yoga practice: 12 sun salutations, warm up, and 6 asana poses (quite a long practice for me!) I awoke from my final relaxation to my boyfriend driving away on the bike. Feeling strange about it. Trying not to react to this, but feeling yet again like I've somehow managed to do something wrong without doing anything (I was doing yoga!). *sigh*
                When he returned all was fine, he'd felt a bit weak and wanted to get food, and wasn't sure when I'd finish yoga.
                I spent the rest of the day painting my second chakra mandala — svadistana. While painting it, I experienced strong stabbing pains in my pelvis (possibly period cramps, possibly trapped wind, who knows) which made me laugh a bit seeing as I was painting the chakra responsible for that very area! Purification indeed…
                After painting, I went to the market to pick up some bits for dinner. Watched a rubbish movie.
                I would say today was quite a test for me — I often find depressive thoughts and moods creep up on me at the weekend, and today was no exception, but for the first time, I did not end up in a bawling mess on the floor (ok so I cried a bit when my boyfriend drove off, and when he came back and talked to me, but that was it!).
                Also, I had a tree branch break above my head whilst in our garden. I quickly moved away, and the branch stopped (it got caught on top of other stronger branches). Anyway, it did make me scared quite a bit! I should have been more mindful of what exactly was going through my mind at that moment, as I now can't recall. But probably some paranoia about earlier…
                Did Baibak at about 8:20pm. This time, I had a lot of minds coming and going, about very random things (like clothes, and general plans for some seemingly insignificant future desired events). More interestingly, I started to have much stronger energy sensations. Not just in my hands and arms, but in general. I got the usual tingling in my hands, a little in my feet, and a slight pressure sensation in my arms and legs. After some time, I was conscious that my arms were beginning to drift away from my sides, and felt as if they were being held in place by some kind of light shackles, i.e. They were stopped at a certain point and then didn't move. Eventually, I became conscious of a ball of energy surrounding my lower arms and torso, similar to that experienced after doing the tree pose in yoga. Then my arms started moving in and out along with the energy ball, in time with my breath. Eventually, I perceived my hands/arms starting to make gentle rotations/circles around, inside the energy ball.
                When the music stopped, I gradually moved my toes and fingers, then arms. And eventually opened my eyes. The energy sensations in my arms lasted for some time, but they stopped to move almost the instant that the music stopped.
                Now for some water and then off to bed!
                1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 05:32 # 0
                  Sunday:
                  Woke up. Did yoga (sun salutations and a few asanas!), felt really good.
                  I cooked a great red curry with jackfruit seeds and rice.
                  Watched a movie with my friend after.
                  Finally finished reading Reality Transurfing by Vadim Zeland (I've been reading the 5 books for the past 2 years!)
                  Went to bed feeling really good.
                  1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 05:37 # 0
                    Monday:
                    Woke up after some very vivid dreams (again). I also remember waking up in the night at some point, as it was raining very heavily. Pretty sure I'm waking up every day now before my alarm goes off, which is great!
                    Got to work feeling energised :)
                    By the end of work I was exhausted. I got quite angry with people, and felt my energy being drained away. I'd been bleeding quite heavily I guess today, which just made me feel worse.
                    I picked up some fruit on my way home: fried bananas, sweet potato (not a great choice I'll now admit), dried mango, avocado…
                    Felt very heavy, and spent the rest of the evening typing a blog post and checking facebook.
                    Did Baibak before bed, again a lot of minds in some moments, some general, others more interesting like a past event with someone who had drained my energy a lot, and I made a conscious effort to let it go.
                    My arms ached quite a bit. Had the same energy sensations, though they came and went. Then they got very strong and my arms started to lift up from my sides pretty rapidly, then came to a stop and stayed there. I was conscious of a large energy ball around me, but it also reminded me of being a very large person, hmmm…
                    Anyway, after some time they started to come down, eventually stopping just a bit apart from my hips. I definitely did not feel I was controlling the movements, though at times I was uncertain if my concentration on those parts was having an effect. Also, some ants kept biting me at times, and I did brush them away as it was pretty painful!
                    Now off to bed finally, somewhat late at 9:40!
                    1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 05:40 # 0
                      Tuesday:
                      So....I went to sleep, had some crazy dreams again (one involving my boyfriend's ex coming and asking him what was going on, despite us being together for 2 years now), and something to do with me painting. Then I remember seeing a spider, and at this point I woke up. I checked the time and it was 2:30am! I must've stayed awake until around 4 (in fact I remember checking my phone and it was gone 4!). I tried meditating a bit, listening to a brain entrainment track, and eventually some self pleasure to wear myself out (successfully). However I woke up this morning feeling particularly tired.
                      Prepared for work feeling pretty exhausted.
                      Most of the day was good enough.
                      Had a very nice dinner (pizza and pasta). Came home, had a small smoke which pretty much knocked me out so I got into bed about 8:30/9 and went to sleep.
                      1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:12 # 0
                        Wednesday:
                        Very vivid dreams yet again. Saw many faces from high school. I spent the time looking around for friends, realising that there was not really anyone there that I wanted to / felt drawn to join. It was quite odd, but I guess this reflects pretty well how I felt at school in general.
                        Woke up feeling very sleepy and groggy indeed. When showering, I had quite a lot of pain in my right breast again (I also had some while out at dinner last night). Felt a bit down while showering, as lots of minds came about sex, and what my feelings were about it right now. I've been feeling tricky because yet again I'm bleeding for an extended period of time, and I realise that maybe I'm experiencing an aversion to sex, a leftover side effect of past mistakes and experiences. I think I need to speak my boyfriend. When I think about it in my head, it seems pretty clear, but then afterwards I worry that it's all one-sided, and that if I do say something it will come across as selfish. *sigh* same old story, like a broken record
                        Work was fine.
                        In the evening went to the cinema. I could tell that my boyfriend didn't want to be there. Eventually, he left the cinema. I stayed, but wished I hadn't. The movie was awful, and the girl sat next to me was driving me nuts by laughing apparently uncontrollably any time there was the slightest gag on the screen. I found myself staring blankly at the screen, not really taking in any information, or reacting to it.
                        We got home, and didn't speak a word to each other. I made the assumption that something was up, and so proceeded to get ready for bed and leave him to his thoughts, thinking that he would eventually join me in the bed.
                        He didn't come.
                        I woke up to find him lying on the floor next to me on the yoga mat. I was unsure what to do or say. I opted to get up and make a spliff to help me calm down and sleep.
                        Seeing that he was awake, I instigated a conversation. I explained that I felt like he didn't want to be near me, that his behaviour at the cinema (putting a hand up covering his eyes and creating a «wall» between us), sitting alone outside as soon as we got home, and finally sleeping on the floor, was making me feel pretty rubbish. It was about 1:30am by this point. It was tough. I felt horrible. I struggled to explain myself, to explain what I'd felt, and his reaction was to ask where the question was, what was I after. I couldn't really answer. I just wanted him to understand what I'd felt. He said that in the cinema it was too cold. That my social priorities were perhaps different, as these were people I worked with. That he didn't really enjoy himself, and of course that the film was pretty shit. I couldn't really disagree with any of this.
                        Eventually, I calmed down (crying over), he apologised for making me feel bad as it was not his intention. After smoking, and talking, I felt much better. I realised that I was particularly upset for having not left the cinema myself, and for going in the first place, when deep down I knew that he didn't want to go. Eventually we went to bed feeling very high and sleepy.
                        1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:16 # 0
                          Thursday:
                          Called in sick for work. Felt way too tired after the previous night.
                          Felt quite sick.
                          Had a long lie-in.
                          Showered and did some Yoga.
                          Started reading a new book.
                          Drove to the city and picked up some salad to have in the afternoon.
                          Felt quite weak the whole day, so didn't really do very much, though the drive to the city in the sunshine helped me to feel a bit more energised.
                          1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:18 # 0
                            Friday:
                            Woke up and did some yoga
                            Had a pretty good day at work — got lots of boring admin things done.
                            Went home straight after work (turned down the option to stay for a staff party) and cooked dinner — sweet and sour pineapple and fried veg with rice
                            Watched the movie «The Campaign» — very funny
                            Went to bed.
                            1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:21 # 0
                              Saturday:
                              Had a small lie-in. Visited some nearby hot springs.
                              Spent most of the day translating a website into English.
                              Felt pretty tired by the end of the day.
                              Did Baibak session. Had a few minds to start with, but felt ultra relaxed. Started to feel quite floaty too.
                              Eventually my arms started rising up like before, very slowly and sometimes with short jerking movements through my arms/shoulders/back. They continued to move, eventually ending up in a position similar to sitting in an arm chair. I stayed like this for some time. I had visualisations of being a puppet, with strings holding me at my wrists, elbows, legs, interspersed with visualisations of an energy ball around me.
                              My arms gradually came back down, and I started to wonder if I'd become accustomed to the audio track that I was using, whether my body was anticipating the end of the session. It was not, however, and my arms stayed down for a few minutes, before starting to rise up again. I definitely perceived an energy ball around me. It all felt really wonderful.
                              The music stopped and I opened my eyes. I changed, got in to bed, and after saying a very sleepy goodnight, I went to sleep.
                              1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:25 # 0
                                Sunday:
                                Friends came round. We smoked a little.
                                Excused myself to do some yoga as my body was feeling quite stiff: it was more powerful than usual. Sun salutations were much slower as i was able to pace my breath much better.
                                During final relaxation (after 6 salutations and 1st 3 warm up exercises), once finished and feeling full of energy body, I brought my hands to chest area to provide targeted healing. Started with hands on breasts, but eventually raised them off my body so they were hovering above instead. I perceived a diamond around my heart chakra, sending energy through left hand into body (left heart chakra), to the spine (root of the chakra) and back up out the right chakra and through the right hand back into space.
                                The more I visualised, the moreI really felt it. I felt the time was right to move, and prepared to bring my hands back down, but instead they moved to my lower abdomen. The same process was repeated, with svadhisthana chakra now at the centre.
                                Did Baibak before sleep. This time, I had the same energy sensations in my hands, and sometimes in my feet. My arms raised up yet again, though this time they went up and down, very slowly, over and over again. I felt kind of restless I guess, as time went on. I will admit that I was craving for the music to stop, but I continued, and when it did finally come to an end, I felt completely relaxed and at ease. As usual, moving my fingers slightly increased my awareness of the sensations therein, until they eventually subsided.
                                Slept really well (I find doing Baibak before sleep makes me incredibly sleepy, and makes falling asleep on my back, as opposed to my sides, much more comfortable, allowing my back to rest during sleep!).
                                1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:33 # 0
                                  Monday:
                                  Woke up feeling pretty fresh.
                                  Had a shower, did sun salutaions (my body felt very tired today, perhaps after all the heavy food yesterday), and again repeated the hand positions I'd learned yesterday to channel cosmic energy through my left heart chakra and out of the right one, and then down to my hips. I didn't do it for as long as the other day, but it still felt good.
                                  I was a bit blunt with a colleague at work, as he tried to fill me in on the happenings of Friday when they'd had fireworks and booze. There was some altercation between two members of staff, fueled by alcohol. I bluntly but politely told him I wasn't interested, and didn't want to know. He got the message, and admitted that it was really just gossiping.
                                  Anyway, I'm finding Baibak hugely beneficial so far, though it is difficult to pinpoint direct effects, as the question arises «is this because of Baibak, or would it have happened anyway?». In terms of my health, I have not yet noticed significant changes I guess. I did note that after Baibak, I've been sleeping much better and my energy levels are vastly improved — getting up in the mornings is a lot easier.
                                  I did Baibak in the evening, and wow was it a strong one! I had energy sensations in my hands from the moment I uttered the key phrase for the 10th time. Slowly but surely, they started to rise up again. I feltmore relaxed than usual, able to focus completely on the bodily sensations and not get so caught up in minds. This time, the sensations and visuals I got were pretty amazing. As my arms came up, I was aware of the energy ball around me. They rose up to be in front of me, outstretched, and I was conscious of strong energy sensations coming from my solar plexus region (stomach, lower abdomen). This happened a couple of times (my arms going down in between). At one point, I started hearing lots of noises around me. I wasn't sure if it was background music in the house, birds etc. I was concerned about there being people in the room...My body position reminded me of skeletons hanging out from walls in haunted houses that I visited as a child, and I realised that they were in fact quite horrible to take a child to. I did not feel any fear however, and kind of made a decision to let go of this information. Then my arms rose up again, only this time my hands drew together, meeting (but not touching) just in front of my abdomen. Staying here for some time, I was aware of a strong energy connection between them, kind of charging up, a bit like holding a large glowing bullet of light. My hands then separated and drew back, pulling my arms behind me and opening out my chest. It felt at times like there were people pulling my arms back. I was also aware of the presence of a figure in front of me, sometimes one person, sometimes I had the vision that there may be many people. I started getting paranoid thoughts — what if someone was watching me right now? What if this was all a big joke? I calmed myself, and continued to observe what was going on. At some point, when my hands were in position stretched out behind me, a sudden rush of energy grew up my body, focusing on my chest, and I felt the sensation of somebody opening up my energy body, right down the middle (as if pulling apart my flesh down my chest bone), and reaching in to my chest. The energy was quite overwhelming, yet not scary in any way. I was really aware of a healing presencesomeone or something was healing my body. The energy then continued up to my throat chakra, activating vissudha with strong energy sensations. At this point, I reached that pivotal point, that time during any psychadellic/meditative experience where you have to surrender to go deeper. I did so, and felt my whole body fill with light. But I guess my monkey mind wouldn't allow it, I started debating what was going on — was I going into theta? Blah blah blah, and my hands came back down to my sides. This process repeated itself (without the presence of another or the pivotal point, but with all the energetic sensations and chest opening etc.) a number of times, perhaps 3 or 4 in total. It was magical. Each repetition seemed to start when my body was in a certain position, as I would often sway around a bit, and suddenly lock into a certain place (slightly bent forward, as if someone was holding my feet and I was able to lean more than usual), and the energy/movement of my hands would rush into action. The sensations became less intense with each repetition, but it was like a very set sequence of healing. On the last time, my hands came down as the music was ending, and after wiggling my fingers etc. and coming back, I felt completely relaxed. I probably could have fallen asleep anywhere at that point! I also remember at some point in the session being distinctly aware of the separate sides of my body – left and right were clearly split down the middle, and the sensations I felt on each side were noticeably different. I wondered if this was due to the music I was listening to, as it too was distinctly different on the right side (headphone) and the left.
                                  1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:37 # 0
                                    Tuesday:
                                    Just had a pang of pain in right breast — 11:30am
                                    After lunch, feeling again some acheing in right breast.
                                    Had a chat with my boyfriend after dinner. We discussed a few things, about the future, plans, ideas. It was weird but good. He explained that he wanted to be able to go off and do his own projects, but felt held back as he couldn't imagine leaving me alone. I took it pretty well I guess. It seemed like we had the same ideas and stuff for the future, re: family, house etc. I spoke about my health (again), that I'm tired of this whole process (bleeding, pain in boobs etc.) He confirmed my own ideas, that I should continue with Baibak for at least the full 2 months and then see what to do then. He said of course that I could go down the western route of diagnosis etc., but I advised that I didn't want to do this as I was afraid of getting a diagnosis etc.
                                    I then went to do Baibak in bed (at his suggestion, as I was tired and didn't want to do it standing). I did not enjoy it. Lying down meant that the sensations which built in my arms became almost unbearable. They were not painful, but highly uncomfortable, and made me just want to shake my arms to get rid of the sensation. Many minds came and went, and I found it difficult to relax fully. There were also a few ants crawling over me, making it difficult to switch off. I remember jerking my hands, legs, and shoulders, and moving my head occasionally, but I was really just waiting for it to finish.
                                    After finishing, I got up and used the bathroom, then came back to bed. I didn't feel the normal relaxation, in fact I was pretty agitated and didn't find it easy to lie in the corpse position (lying on back). I eventually went to sleep.
                                    1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:41 # 0
                                      Wednesday:
                                      Woke up feeling fresh, but heavy too. Whilst in the shower, I started feeling sad again. I thought about the conversations from the night before, and realised that I was still confused about what my boyfriend meant. We spoke about children, but it was unclear to me whether he actually wanted them or not. I mean, of course, at this stage it shouldn't matter, and I should be focusing on the present, but I also find myself wondering what I'm doing. I just feel that I don't have much direction. I would follow my boyfriend to the ends of the Earth, but I'm not sure that's what he wants. I guess now I feel that I'm holding him back. I worry that my own sexual problems are taking their toll on him, and eventually something will give. I now feel torn between my desire to be close to him, to pleasure him, and this side of me that feels he is being selfish.
                                      So I felt really weepy this morning — very fragile. I was getting teary-eyed writing the above so ended up stopping.
                                      At work started getting quite a strong headache. I've not been drinking enough water, and think I was quite dehydrated.
                                      Had a lovely dinner with some female friends after work.
                                      Back home and finished translating some articles.
                                      No Baibak tonight as quite tired and just want to sleep.
                                      1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 06:45 # 0
                                        Thursday:
                                        Hmmm....Woke up, snoozed a bit, had a shower, did about 8 sun salutations, and got ready for work.
                                        Had a few off moments with my boyfriend, as he was clearly not fine, and I was worried I'd done something (paranoia about self coming again and again). Eventually, he said yes he wasn't fine, but there was nothing I could do to help at that moment. So he dropped me off at work, we had a brief hug, and I said I'd see him later.
                                        Had a lovely day at work. It was a Buddhist festival, so lots of Monks/meditations and activities. At one point, I was a little teary eyed as the magnitude of love around me hit home.
                                        At some point in the afternoon, I realised that I'd finally stopped bleeding — hooray!
                                        However talk about speaking too soon. Later, I felt a sharp pain in my abdomen. After going to the loo just before finishing work, I realised I had in fact started to bleed again.
                                        Things were still off with my boyfriend when we got home. I had long shower and cried. I knew something was up. Later, we talked, and he explained that he was feeling anger, seriousness etc., basically due to sexual frustration (that's not how he put it, but that's what he meant). We talked it through, I explained how my level of desire goes up and down, but usually by the time its come up (when i'm not bleeding), its pretty much too late, because I start bleeding again. I'm not really sure how i feel now. Actually, just very tired.
                                        Anyway, didn't do Baibak in the evening. Went straight to bed at about 8 as was exhausted. Woke up around 1/2. Had some water and went back to bed. Checked fb and stayed up a while reading blogs. Eventually went back to sleep.
                                        1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 07:28 # 0
                                          Friday:
                                          So it's the start of the long weekend :)
                                          Had a bit of a lie-in and then went to the hot springs in the morning, which as usual felt great, although I'm finding it too much at times now. The increased heat makes my heart rate so fast, that I can feel pumping sensations in my head, and have to get out/splash cold water etc.
                                          I spent some time sunbathing and listening to a language course audio tape.
                                          Then I went to the market. I picked up some Durian, noting that I have been craving it quite a lot recently (though I've only tried it once or twice).
                                          Got home and looked up the benefits of durian, and was surprised (or perhaps not) to find that among many benefits, it helps to increase eostrogen (what I'm lacking because of PCOS, resulting in prolonged bleeding). It also increases levels of iron (another PCOS side effect cracked), has lots of vitamins and minerals, and is an aphrodisiac!!! It also produces (or contains) tryptophan, which triggers the release of serotonin and melatonin in the body — a feel good food!
                                          So, it's no wonder really that my body has been craving it — it knows what it wants/needs.
                                          Anyway, after dinner etc., cleaned up and decided to do Baibak (finally), though I admit I'd been feeling something of a block to do it the last few days.
                                          Anyway, I can say that it wasn't as strong as usual. I had the usual energy in my arms, almost the moment I closed my eyes, and they raised up, together, and back behind me a number of times. I was conscious that my hands were drawing circles and my arms were following, spinning around at my sides. I did not however experience the same strong feelings as before. I did at one point feel myself get pushed forward quite suddenly, and for an instant thought I might lose my balance. My toes wavered in the air momentarily, before they gripped back into the floor and I righted myself again.
                                          When the music finished, I felt fine. It took me sometime to come back in to my body.
                                          I used the bathroom, got some water, and got in to bed.
                                          1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 07:32 # 0
                                            Saturday:
                                            I'll admit that I'm starting to struggle with the whole diary thing. Unless I have it open all the time, I tend to forget to put stuff in. I wrote Friday's entry now (Saturday), and had a bit of difficulty remembering the full events of yesterday!
                                            Anyway, woke up this morning feeling pretty good. Still bleeding fairly heavily but comfortable.
                                            Saw some old behaviours come around again, when trying to spend time with my boyfriend. The usual: feeling sorry for myself. Repeating the same patterns. They quickly subsided however, and we got up and started the day.
                                            After showering (a long one!), I headed to the market. The sun was shining and I enjoyed listening to some tunes on the drive.
                                            Spent the day doing more translation work.
                                            Felt a lot of tension and pain in my shoulders as was sitting at the laptop for extended periods of time.
                                            And that brings me up to now. I've had a few breaks from working, to go and munch or more durian.
                                            Can’t really remember anything else significant from the day. Didn't do Baibak as felt quite tired.
                                            All in all just a nice relaxed day.
                                            1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 07:41 # 0
                                              Sunday/Monday:
                                              Woke up pretty early and prepared to set off for a 3 hour drive into the mountains.
                                              We set off at around 8:30 I think, and we knew that the journey would be a pretty long.
                                              About halfway into the journey, we saw some signs for a Ganesh museum. It was nice to see that my intention matched my boyfriends, who pulled off the highway and followed the signs for the museum. It was a really lovely place. There were so many statues, paintings, relics etc., of course mainly of Ganesh, but also of other Hindu gods (Shiva, Shakti, Kali, Durga, Vishnu, Krisha). I learned a lot about the significance of some of the poses and objects of each of these figures, which was. great. Some of the statues were also pretty impressive!
                                              Driving to the mountains, the rain kicked in. It was pretty brutal. We were both soaked. Eventually we made it to a bungalow, right opposite a spectacular waterfall!
                                              We both ended up getting into bed and having some much needed sleep. I could feel that my body was kicking in to fever mode.
                                              After some sleep, we got up and headed out for some food. I also insisted on picking up some tobacco to smoke in the evening.
                                              We sat out on our balcony most of the evening, and when it started to get dark I headed for bed.
                                              I had crazy dreams as usual (meeting David Hockney, and rearranging the laundry of an actor?!).
                                              In the morning, I awoke fairly early, about 6am. I got up, showered, and did some yoga on the balcony.
                                              Again there were some moments of miscommunication between me and my boyfriend, but by the time we'd had some food etc. everything was fine.
                                              We went to the waterfall, which was beautiful. We were the only ones there, and it felt fantastic (but cold) to sit in the powerful shower of fresh water. We also attempted to drive to the highest point of the mountain, but our bike wouldn't make the climb, and walking in the rain at 2000 or so feet was just too much.
                                              It was a lovely weekend, but I was quite conscious that I had not done Baibak for a few days, and was possibly missing out on the benefits.
                                              1. Sarah Jackson 18 july 2014, 08:18 # 0
                                                Thought I'd try to show some pictures to demonstrate what my body is doing during Baibak sessions.
                                                The first picture shows my starting position (though my legs are usually wider apart). The yellow marks show where the energy sensations are concentrated. On the right is where my arms usually rise up to, sometimes at my sides, or sometimes stretching out in front of me.

                                                The second set shows how my arms make circles around and towards my body (left). Also how my hands come together in front of my body, and make a strong energetic connection. The picture on the right shows how my arms then get pulled behind me, opening my chest and creating a strong energy channel/rip down my chest, sometimes with a concentration at/on top of my head.
                                                1. Sarah Jackson 21 july 2014, 13:38 # 0
                                                  Tuesday/Wednesday/Thursday:
                                                  So I was pretty slack with my practice sessions, and with the diary.
                                                  Tuesday — Felt very tired, and almost exhausted after a full day of work.
                                                  Did Baibak in the evening before bed — Sensations were not as strong as before, though still had movements in my arms, and perception of energy fields around them.
                                                  Wednesday — A very lazy day — no Baibak, lots of unhealthy food, but felt better than the previous day (physically and emotionally).
                                                  Thursday — Did my first morning Baibak session. After slacking so much the past few days/weeks, I wanted to try doing 2 sessions in one day. Running the session in the morning, I did not feel it was as «strong», as my arms did not move as much or as fast as normal, and the energy sensations were not as noticeable. Although I initially felt sleepy after the session, once I moved around I was fine and awake for the rest of the day. Overall felt pretty good during the day — energy levels were high, emotions were in check. Nothing astounding to report, but felt positive.
                                                  I also then did Baibak at night, before going to bed, and it was fine. As usual I had strong energy sensations, and the movements were the same repetition as previously experienced. I did notice that some newer patters were starting to emerge, although they were faint, as in it seemed like my arms were moving in completely random directions at first!
                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 21 july 2014, 13:44 # 0
                                                    Friday:
                                                    No Baibak today.
                                                    Woke up feeling very sleepy.
                                                    Felt down at work most of the day, often starting to cry when on my own.
                                                    Had minds and paranoia about a difficult conversation with my boyfriend.
                                                    Throughout the day I had some discomfort in my abdomen — a feeling of stretching in my womb I guess. I sometimes experience this during my period, and if I don't realise/forget, it can be extremely painful if I stretch my body or move suddenly.
                                                    A lot of pain in right knee (had been building for the past few weeks).
                                                    Reasonable day diet wise — a lot of fruit but also a lot of cakes.
                                                    Had a bit of a breakdown once I left work — cried all the way home, and locked myself in the bathroom as soon as I got in. I eventually caught myself fully, and got off the bathroom floor to shower.
                                                    Talked things through, though my old behaviour patterns reared their ugly head repeatedly — crying, defensive arguing. With some helpful reminders, I stopped myself from going further. I sat and concentrated on my breathing. I calmed myself down again and again.
                                                    Ended up having an amazing evening, spending quality time with the one I love and working through some old issues. I literally felt like past mistakes, beliefs, and behaviour patterns were releasing for good.After, I felt strong pressure in my head and some mild abdominal discomfort.
                                                    I went to bed without doing Baibak.
                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 21 july 2014, 14:04 # 0
                                                      Saturday:
                                                      Woke up with strong pressure in head — feels quite uncomfortable.
                                                      Still bleeding (think it's around 3 weeks now without a break).
                                                      Also feeling a little sick, but perhaps just feeling hungry after no dinner yesterday.
                                                      Got some good feedback/advice about my practice of Baibak. From now, I'll be holding sessions twice daily (morning and night), as well as avoiding conflicting energy techniques (reiki, brain entrainment etc.)
                                                      I will also be trying sessions together with my boyfriend, seeing as we're both using the system, and are experiencing similar blocks and distractions.
                                                      I've been advised to follow and listen to my body — if it's really craving something, meat, cake, whatever, to listen to it, not avoid it because «I'm a vegetarian» or such like.
                                                      I'll be making a conscious effort to not listen to my ego — when questioning «should i go to sleep or do baibak?» — If I'm thinking about it, I've got energy to do it!
                                                      Being told to wake up, stop sleeping etc. was just the nudge I needed. I've been stuck «in a rut» for sometime now, and it's about time I found some motivation. It is my clear intention to be healthy, to heal myself.
                                                      Overall, the day was great. I did have some pressure/energy in my chest occasionally, but felt very positive.
                                                      I finally moved onto painting a Manipura (Solar Plexus) mandala/chakra.
                                                      I did Baibak in the evening — There was very strong energy, building finger by finger as I counted 10 repetitions.
                                                      I tried the music from this site for the first time — it was very good so I see no reason to use another track.
                                                      My hands eventually started moving up chakra by chakra, and then draw behind me in a kind of recharge.
                                                      I finished the session feeling very relaxed and good :)
                                                      Afterwards, I realised how some of the pent up issues I'd had around intimacy were finally clearing/cleared, and how apt it was that I now moved past the chakra (painting) responsible for those emotions and areas of the body.
                                                      I am feeling very relaxed, at ease, calm, clear.
                                                      Life is magical.
                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 22 july 2014, 03:25 # 0
                                                        Sunday:
                                                        Woke up around 7ish
                                                        Feel a lot of joy inside myself.
                                                        Noticed yesterday that my body is feeling/looking more young and strong. Feeling more powerfully feminine, on a physical and energetic level.
                                                        Very glad to have talked through some blocks etc. yesterday.
                                                        Spending time with people who do not pander to your ego, and allow you to feel completely comfortable, is so refreshing.
                                                        Noticing much more lucidity in daily life — when following old behaviour patterns, emotional responses etc., observing them and watching them disappear is wonderful (this is happening more frequently).
                                                        Feels like fears from my past are washing away. Feeling more confident.
                                                        Ran a joint Baibak session with boyfriend.
                                                        Same movements of arms, coming together at various points in front of me, my chakras (primary and perhaps some secondary). Feels like I'm following the healing of my energy body/aura.
                                                        Lots of strong pressure (but not uncomfortably so) in forehead — distinct impression of ajna (third eye) chakra.
                                                        Although I'm feeling more confident, I'm noticing thatfears/paranoia from my past are cropping up more and more, sometimes mildly so, and sometimes strong.
                                                        Evening Baibak session was very strong. Same movements of hands/arms — this time noticed my hands were drawing teardrops starting from my hips, creating an infinity loop with my body at the central point. Hands again came together at various points in front of me. Stayed in front of heart/side chakras for very long time, maybe 8 or so minutes, still as a statue. Had the distinct awareness of separate bodily levels — first perception was of skeletal system in hands/wrists. I could feel (and at times see) the bones inside. There was very strong pressure (external and internal) in my wrists. Then I was aware of system of veins and muscles, the blood pumping around my hands in time with my heartbeat.
                                                        At one point, when hands were almost touching, I had a strong sensation of an energy ball (size of a basketball) between my hands — chest height.
                                                        I noticed some new movement patterns of hands — Infinity loops, opposite directions etc.
                                                        Some sensations lasted after session was over. When demonstrating how my hands were moving, by putting them back in the same position, I could feel the energy fields were still there, and my hand started following the pattern once more (albeit much softer).
                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 22 july 2014, 03:30 # 0
                                                          Monday:
                                                          Morning Baibak session individual) — more strong
                                                          Same energy sensations and movements, stopping for extended periods of time. Infinity loops in front of me with hands, parallel to the floor.
                                                          Spinning two circles at anahata height, both going same direction so crossing when passing in the middle.
                                                          Strong sense of magnetic fields, particularly running down the centre of my aura/body (usually preventing my hands from touching, though they occasionally did so).
                                                          Feeling positive, refreshed, energised, yet calm — not overly agitated etc.
                                                          Some strong abdominal discomfort and pain (and strong bowel movement this morning).
                                                          Abdominal cramps.
                                                          Feeling sleepy after a lot of sugar (cake!)
                                                          Mild headaches in the afternoon.
                                                          Much heavier bleeding.
                                                          Cramps growing worse through the day.
                                                          Feeling more and more lucidity.
                                                          Did joint Baibak evening session — had cramps in abdomen before starting — very strong sensations again, heavy pressure in wrists. At times arms felt extremely heavy but somehow they stayed locked in place for extended time, and felt like many hands were gripping them very tightly. Same movements. Lots of infinity loops parallel to floor by svadistana chakra, and perpendicular (but still sideways) to chest/anahata.
                                                          Found the movements mesmerising — like a beautiful dance of energy (reminded me of TaiCh I guess).
                                                          I felt intense heat in my hands, arms, and abdomen. I also felt at times like I was flying, rushing upwards through the air like a bullet.
                                                          At one point, my hands raised up in front of my face, and were holding a bright yellow/white energy. I could see and feel the light coming from it, it was amazing.
                                                          Found myself concentrating so hard, at times it was like time slowed down, and so did the movements, then they would resume to normal speed as I'd «snap out of it».
                                                          Very very sleepy after finishing — cramps were much improved though, lying down for bed felt more comfortable.
                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 22 july 2014, 06:39 # 0
                                                            Some more pictures to show the energy sensations I'm feeling. As I've described before, it feels like having magnets inside my body that are being pulled according to an external magnetic field. The first two show the infinity loops being spun by my hands simultaneously (always crossing but usually not touching at the central point).

                                                            This one shows the energy ball I saw in front of my face — it was bright yellow to start with, but later changed to white.

                                                            And finally this one shows some of the new movement patterns I've been experiencing — my hands start together, and the spiral outwards in opposing directions.
                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 22 july 2014, 09:35 # 0
                                                              Tuesday
                                                              Woke up with abdominal cramps — ran to the loo to find that I was bleeding much heavier.
                                                              Ran Baibak session before going to work. Same energy sensations, arm movements as previous sessions. Time seems to be going faster in the sessions, i.e. I am not getting agitated or craving for them to finish.
                                                              Mild but noticeable discomfort in abdomen throughout the day, and cramping.
                                                              When sitting down this morning, got up to stretch and immediately felt ripping pain on right side of body (inside hips – ovary position).
                                                              Although I’m feeling good overall, having waves of pain/discomfort/sleepiness/feeling a bit down.
                                                              Diarrhea at lunchtime – temperature raised (sweating/hot flushed).
                                                              Heavier bleeding has meant frequent and uncomfortable trips to the loo, yet I am not reacting. Usually, I’d get upset, but I know that it is just purification, cleaning, and it will get better.
                                                              Feeling pretty good overall, though not a lot of energy today — mood is fine.
                                                              By the afternoon, bleeding has started to slow down quite a bit. Less discomfort, but also feeling more and more tired.
                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 23 july 2014, 07:14 # 0
                                                                Tuesday (cont.)
                                                                Felt very tired in the evening. I started noticing some old behavioural patterns coming up again. I tried to ignore/observe them. Started to feel very hot/flushed, lack of energy, quite dizzy at times. Had some rest before eventually starting Baibak. Thought about doing it sitting down, but wanted to try it standing, and in the end it was no problem to stand for the full 18 minutes.
                                                                This session was a little different to previous ones. For the most part, my arms stayed locked at my sides, though not touching my body. My body itself swayed a lot during this time, forwards, backwards, sideways, rotating in circles, though always with my feet staying firmly on the floor of course. I think I stayed like this for around 10 minutes. Eventually, my arms and hands started to move, following the usual patterns, but much more softly and slowly.
                                                                After the session was finished, I felt much better. I was still pretty tired though so went to bed quite soon afterwards.
                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 23 july 2014, 09:30 # 0
                                                                  Wednesday:
                                                                  Woke up feeling pretty fresh.
                                                                  Bleeding is still moderately heavy, causing mild discomfort in abdominal area.
                                                                  I noticed that my teeth looked whiter this morning.
                                                                  Did Baibak session — again my hands and arms stayed quite still at my sides for a long time, before starting to move softly and slowly in the usual manner. A new pattern of movement, similar to the ones in the last pictures, where both hands made opposing infinity loops in front of my chest (i.e. one hand spun one complete loop, and another spun a second loop).
                                                                  Afterwards, I felt a bit dazed. Some strong bowel movements also. I left for work sometime after, but felt quite floaty — a sort of detachment from the world around me. I felt relaxed.
                                                                  Whilst I would not say that I feel negative in any way, I'm opting to seek solitude as much as possible through the day. I feel for some reason that I'm quite susceptible to other people's emotions, talking etc. I noticed earlier that I was dropping things out of my hands quite a lot, but this seems to have worn off.
                                                                  Hot and muggy weather is making me feel quite drowsy/nauseous/dizzy.
                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 24 july 2014, 05:14 # 0
                                                                    Wednesday (cont.)
                                                                    Cooked far too much food for dinner. Realised I wasn't actually hungry once I started eating it. I feltreally full, bloated, and had a lot of discomfort in my stomach/abdomen.
                                                                    After finishing, felt very sleepy/drowsy. Also felt a lack of motivation to do anything. I had so many minds in my head about what I wanted to do — spend time with my boyfriend, be awake, enjoy the evening, but my body and mind were also telling me to go to seep.
                                                                    Thankfully, my boyfriend suggested doing Baibak, since I was standing around doing nothing else.
                                                                    The session was good and there were lots of subtle movements of my hands and arms, moving across chakras as before.
                                                                    I did start to feelquite impatient, as the soles of my feet started to ache, and then burn with pain. I just accepted the sensations though, and continued to stand. Eventually the pain came less (or I noticed it less).
                                                                    I realised that during recent sessions, I've had a lot of minds coming about the Baibak system itself — I have many friends who I think would greatly benefit from it, but I'm worried whether they'd believe the system, and believe me. I realised a lot of these minds were my own fears and blocks, but feel that they are coming less and less as I am continuing with the practice.
                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 24 july 2014, 05:17 # +1
                                                                      Thursday:
                                                                      Woke up feeling very good!
                                                                      Morning Baibak session was good — some arm movements, some stillness. My hands were constantly moving in front of my body, then moving down my body slowly, then out and back behind me. Then returning back to my chakras to start the process again.
                                                                      Felt really good after finishing.Calm, happy, no pain, and looks like bleeding is getting lighter today.
                                                                      I've noticed that I look younger after sessions, and my body today feels lighter overall.
                                                                      Also, I'm not craving food throughout the day, though I notice myself following eating routines sometimes, without questioning whether I actually am hungry or not.
                                                                      Myskin is looking much better (face) too.
                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 25 july 2014, 03:36 # 0
                                                                        Thursday (cont.):
                                                                        Once again, felt exhausted after eating dinner. On the plus side, I stopped bleeding. Wanted to sleep, so did Baibak.
                                                                        Session was fine — had some movement of arms around body as usual. Started to feel quite impatient again during the session — my feet were starting to hurt a lot, and I was beginning to feel tired of standing. Many minds were coming and going. I tried not to give them too much attention, though occasionally I caught myself following some random trail of what I would do at work tomorrow, or some other unimportant debate.
                                                                        Very close to the end of the session, with about a minute or so to go, I started to feel quite nauseous, and dizzy. I observed the sensations for a while, before eventually opting to sit down on the floor to finish the session, as I felt I would pass out if I didn't. I had to open my eyes momentarily to see where I was.
                                                                        Afterwards, I felt completely wiped out. I sat down on the sofa, and the sensations could still be felt in my hands, and I fell asleep sitting there. I kept waking up, then drifting off again. At one point, I woke up and thought I was still doing Baibak standing.
                                                                        Eventually, I moved to the bed. I fell asleep almost instantly, but kept waking up with discomfort in my legs, and body overall. I found it difficult to get comfortable, so kept falling asleep in strange positions. I also felt quite sick, and experienced acid reflux.
                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 25 july 2014, 05:23 # 0
                                                                          Friday:
                                                                          Woke up feeling really good. I thought that my period had stopped, as I had stopped bleeding since yesterday evening, but this morning, after showering, I felt some mild cramps in my abdomen and noticed it had started up once more.
                                                                          A lot of energy.
                                                                          Did Baibak session — not so much movement today, hands mainly focused around abdominal area. Mind chatter was high — found it difficult to switch off from thinking about work, social events etc.
                                                                          After, felt good. A little sleepy but fine to start the day.
                                                                          Felt really good throughout the day. Good energy levels.
                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 25 july 2014, 19:58 # 0
                                                                            Friday (cont.):
                                                                            Continued to feel good and have a good day. For whatever reason, there appeared to be quite a few obstacles today, or potential reasons to get upset, angry etc., but life just sailed on, kind of blissfully.
                                                                            Stayed up considerably later than usual, and so feeling extremely sleepy after doing Baibak quite late too.
                                                                            The session was very strong in terms of sensations. The tingling/energy in my hands and arms was much more intense, and heavy. Some of the movements today were more fast and fluid than usual. There was also a lot of body swaying, mostly forwards and backwards, but at one point I realised I was making something a bit like the flower of life pattern with my hips. My feet were firmly on the floor, and it was as if something was holding me up by my head, though there was no actual sensation in my head. My hips were spinning one large anti-clockwise circle, but by making several smaller loops going around me.
                                                                            Before the session, I observed some old patterns yet again. Opportunities where, previously, I would have started reacting to some situation, playing with my emotions etc. Yet this time, I managed to stay in the flow just enough to avoid falling into the same behavioural habits.
                                                                            Am now however very sleepy, and have a strong urge to use the toilet…
                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 26 july 2014, 08:51 # +1
                                                                              Saturday:
                                                                              Woke up feeling great.
                                                                              My period has stopped. Body has slimmed down slightly. Today seems to be «flowing» nicely.
                                                                              Did Baibak session. Very strong pressure in wrists and forearms at the start. Also some sensations in the legs. Intense heat felt throughout arms, right up to shoulders. Movement of arms/hands in various positions, though magnetic pulls felt were not as strong as usual. Some pain in shoulder. Some very slight body swaying.
                                                                              Have noticed last few days that my neck seems to be loosening (evident by a lot more cracking and flexibility) — had forgot to mention it in my intro post, but my neck and shoulders have been tense, knotted, with varying degrees of pain for some time (years). I'm conscious of my posture more often, straightening up and usually waking up in the process.
                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 26 july 2014, 18:32 # 0
                                                                                Saturday evening:
                                                                                Did Baibak earlier than usual, as had plans in the evening (still allowed plenty of time between sessions). Not as much movement as previous sessions. Some swaying of body and movement of arms. Once again had many minds come and go, about various social events (past and future). Managed to let most of them wash by.
                                                                                Felt a little nauseous during session, fine afterwards.
                                                                                Actually, I've had an amazing day. Although I've felt slightly lethargic at various points. For the most part I've felt alive, joyous, happy...life is good!
                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 27 july 2014, 08:36 # +2
                                                                                  Shnday morning:
                                                                                  Feeling famtastic but also calm/relaxed.
                                                                                  Had a great time yesterday. Thought to myself this morning how I am mire and mire greeting challenges etc. with laughter — seeing the good in situations that before would have had me wanting to hit a wall…
                                                                                  Baibak session this morning — light sensations, slow gentle movement of arms, meeting in front of the body the swinging slowly out and behind me, again and again.
                                                                                  Lots of minds coming and going. Some interesting ones about my family, issues that I thougth I'd dealt with before but still casued some emotional reaction. This time, I really felt like they were done with.
                                                                                  Also thought to myself that things have been much better recently. I don't feel as stressed. My body feels strong, despite not practicing yoga or something similar regularly. I am happy with what I am eating — I don't feel restricted by diet, or by my thoughts about what to eat and when.
                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 28 july 2014, 06:12 # 0
                                                                                    Saturday evening:
                                                                                    Again felt very tired in the evening. I started feeling quite agitated, like I wanted to do something or go somewhere, but didn't know what to do. Eventually, I ended up going to bed and falling asleep for a few hours, before waking up at about 10:30pm to do Baibak session, then back to bed.
                                                                                    The session was good. I'm noticing the movements in my arms and hands are becoming less and less.
                                                                                    Pain in my right knee flared up quite a bit during the day, but didn't notice any pain during the session.
                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 28 july 2014, 07:09 # 0
                                                                                      Monday:
                                                                                      Feeling good, a little sleepy after waking up a few times in the night.
                                                                                      Did Baibak — again movements are much more subtle. When I really concentrate, I can feel tiny changes in the magnetic pulls that are making them move, it's really interesting!
                                                                                      Noticed some tenderness/mild pain in chest.
                                                                                      Shoulders and back aching, and they were quite stiff and painful towards the end of yesterday.
                                                                                      I've been recommended to do additional sessions (3 a day), so will see how that goes. Trying to work out when to fit it in around my work day, so that I'm not doing 2 sessions back to back.
                                                                                      I'm finding that manifestations of negative thoughts are coming thick and fast, for example when I start having some small negative thought about someone, and then immediately bump my head, or step on something sharp. Not sure if this is a side effect of Baibak, as of course it happened before anyway, but I'm noticing it a lot more.
                                                                                      My general levels of anxiety are much improved — I don't spend so much time daydreaming and worrying about future events.
                                                                                      Headache in the afternoon after eating some fried food for lunch — feeling quite dehydrated despite drinking a lot of water today.
                                                                                      I think it's safe to say that I've been overeating a fair bit recently — I've noticed that I don't feel hungry as much, but I'm continuing to eat the same amounts and at the same times. Going to make a more conscious effort to listen — eat when I'm hungry, and don't when I'm not!
                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 28 july 2014, 20:17 # 0
                                                                                        After being recommended to do additional sessions, did Baibak as sson as I got home from work.
                                                                                        Subtle, slow movements of arms. Very strong pressure at times in my arms, and also on the sides and back of my neck, and nape (back of head, behind the ears).
                                                                                        Many minds coming about work — have noticed this a lot during some sessions, I feel like I can't «switch off» from work mode.
                                                                                        Also, I am finding it hard to be at work surrounded by so many people and their conversations. I remember this same feeling (though more intense) after doing Vipassana for 10 days in silence — being let back into normal chit chat was overwhelming. I'm opting for the same solution at the moment — earphones and meditative music. I just don't want to be involved in idle conversations, gossip etc.
                                                                                        Quite a lot of pain in my right knee today, and tension in shoulders.
                                                                                        After evening session, had food (more than I needed, again), did some work, and eventually did 3rd session of the day at about 10:45pm.
                                                                                        Again, strong pressure in arms, to the point of feeling some pain in hands and wrists. Intense heat through arms and spreading into body.
                                                                                        Fewer minds and distractions.
                                                                                        Super sleepy after finishing so straight to bed.
                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 29 july 2014, 05:19 # +1
                                                                                          Tuesday:
                                                                                          Woke up feeling really tired, drained, and bloated. Stomach was noticeably swollen after too much food yesterday.
                                                                                          Did Baibak session — pressure in arms and subtle movements. Also some pressure/energy felt in right breast.
                                                                                          Started to feel pain in abdomen. Eventually, had to leave the session to run to thetoilet as had the sudden urge to go. Stomach felt much better afterwards and I continued the session as normal.
                                                                                          Felt a little sleepy after finishing but fine once I started moving around.
                                                                                          Again, have got to work and feeling already like I want to go and sit in a room on my own.
                                                                                          Have had a few very sharp pains in my head through the morning, so drinking more water in case I'm dehydrated.
                                                                                          I arranged with my boss to use an empty room during my lunch break in order to hold an additional session. I found doing two in the evening (yesterday) too much, as I just felt completely exhausted.
                                                                                          The session was fine. I used headphones, as the environment around is quite noisy otherwise, but was left undisturbed for the full time. I had some movements in my arms as usual. The energy sensations were pretty strong, often feeling like someone was gripping my arms and pulling them forwards/backwards.
                                                                                          I found my mind was much calmer than the last few days.
                                                                                          After finishing, I had to run straight to the toilet!
                                                                                          I then went to have my lunch, but found again that my appetite has significantly decreased — I don't really feel hungry at all, and in fact my food smells quite strange today (breakfast and lunch!), so just sticking to some fruit.
                                                                                          Have continued to feel a kind of aversion towards other people today — I just feel tired to be involved in meaningless (in my opinion) conversations, to the point where I'm starting to feel mildly aggravated. Trying to let it wash over me, listen to music and get ready to go home from work.
                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 29 july 2014, 17:39 # 0
                                                                                            Great evening with friends, but very tired after cooking and eating a lot of food. Waiting for food to digest to do Baibak before getting an earlier night.
                                                                                            Baibak session was interesting. Had strong energy in arms, and sometimes in head.
                                                                                            Had minds come about work, some family situations too.
                                                                                            I had a lot of flashbacks to my time in Vipassana meditation. I remember the difficulty I felt being so close to my partner but being unable to speak to him or even make eye contact. I remembered how overwhelming it was to finally be able to talk to him on the last day of the course, and I started to cry during the session.
                                                                                            At one point, towards the end of the session (about 5 minutes left), I started to feel not so good. I felt likemy body/mind was starting to resist the Baibak process. The more I tried to focus on the sensations (mainly in my arms), the worse I felt. I felt kind of sick/dizzy/agitated/impatient. I kept thinking «Should I end the session» or «should I sit down»? I debated what to do for some time, before deciding to sit down on the floor and see if that helped. It did for some time, but then the resistant feelings came back even stronger. However, the music came to an end and so the session was finished.
                                                                                            I felt completely wiped out. I struggled to «wake up», and had to sit on the floor for some time before I could get up and go to bed.
                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 30 july 2014, 05:32 # 0
                                                                                              Wednesday:
                                                                                              Well, I can say that today (this morning) I feel pretty crap.
                                                                                              I woke up feeling really tired, and ended up snoozing my alarm for an extra half hour. After showering, I waited for my boyfriend to do Baibak together. By the time we were both ready, it was already time for me to leave for work. He seemed tired/angry/frustrated, and I reacted with the same emotions. It was not nice. I felt angry, sad, emotionally unstable. I didn't really want to leave for work there and then, but doing Baibak would make me really late too. After sitting alone for 5 minutes to calm down, we left the house. I will do Baibak in my lunch break.
                                                                                              The whole way to work, and sitting here now, I feel pretty low. I want to cry and «let it all out», but I've got 9 hours to get through so what's the point?
                                                                                              Ok so I managed to find an empty room to do a Baibak session in the morning, and after it I'm feeling a bit better. The session was good — some arm movements, almost imperceptible circles being drawn by my hands, some pressure/energy sensations in my head. I had some minds about the events of this morning at home. I guess I felt sad that I'd spent any time in negativity towards my boyfriend. It's such a waste of energy, when you can be happy instead.
                                                                                              Anyway, the session went by pretty quickly, and I'm feeling calmer though quite sleepy.
                                                                                              Didn't do a lunchtime session today. Feeling tired, have had intermittent headaches throughout the morning. Had some fruit for lunch, but no real appetite.
                                                                                              Aggravated pain in right knee. Stuffiness in head during the afternoon.
                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 30 july 2014, 19:23 # +1
                                                                                                Evening — Did Baibak sessions sitting down. Felt energy sensations in hands (strong) and legs and feet. Felt a focus of energy around and between my knees. Had a headache earlier in the late afternoon/early evening, but it had gone by the time I started Baibak.
                                                                                                Nighttime — Did another session before going to bed. This one was very interesting. There was not so much movement of my body, a little swaying, very small circles/infinity loops, and some hand/arm movements. More interesting was the minds that came during the session. Quite early on, I started thinking about some of the older men I had known when I was a bit younger, who had perhaps taken advantage of me, or maybe I'd played «Lolita». Regardless, I watched as I saw myself craving attention, and feeling good when I got it. I realised that, for the best part of my young adult life, I had thrown myself at boys/men in the hope that someone would love me. I was desperate to feel wanted.
                                                                                                My memories drifted further back to primary school about age 11/12, and that moment when I realised that no-one wanted to invite me to our school disco. I looked like a boy for most of my childhood (bad haircut), and I remember (during the session) vividly how I formed this belief that no-one would ever find me attractive, that no-one would love me. I started to cry.
                                                                                                After this, my mind was pretty quiet for the rest of the session, though occasionally I came back to that same thought and started to cry gently again.
                                                                                                The session finished, and I felt fine but quite tired.
                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 31 july 2014, 08:12 # 0
                                                                                                  Thursday:
                                                                                                  Felt pretty good in the morning.
                                                                                                  Did Baibak before leaving for work. My arms again stayed locked at my sides for quite some time, before gradually moving around a bit.Movement was focused around 3rd chakra (manipura/solar plexus), with my hands making small infinity loops and circles.
                                                                                                  I started having memories from my late teens, and my first job. I remembered smoking (cigarettes) outside, and hiding/being alert in case someone I knew (that knew my parents) came along. It was a rebellious phase of my life, and I guess smoking was just one way that I was secretly breaking the rules set by my parents.
                                                                                                  I also remembered vividly a particular episode when I had food thrown at me by an angry customer. I'd caught him «stealing», and when I confronted him he threw his food at me. I remembered how much anger I felt. Then I remembered running to hide in the office and cry. A colleague was mean to me about the incident, saying that I brought it on myself. It was a horrible job, but this episode was a rarity, not something that happened all the time. Given time, I've learned to be thankful for the time I spent there.
                                                                                                  During the morning, have had quite a few headaches, particularly when I've been moving my head a lot (i.e. shaking it to agree/disagree with someone, and then get a sharp pain somewhere inside).
                                                                                                  Also feeling particularly hungry.
                                                                                                  Headache continued through to lunchtime — dull aching on one side with occasional sharp pain.
                                                                                                  Did a lunchtime Baibak session. Some movement of hands and arms. Nothing really noticeably different though, no minds other than daydreaming about work stuff.
                                                                                                  After the session, my headache had gone, though I can feel there is still tension in the same area, and have the feeling that if I will move it suddenly again I will have some sharp pain.
                                                                                                  Had a good lunch — lots of fruit, so feeling more hydrated today.
                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 01 august 2014, 05:22 # 0
                                                                                                    Noticed yesterday (Thursday) that my driving was «off». The bike seemed more unstable than usual, and I was not driving as smoothly as usual. After work, I had a few «near misses», where I came close to clipping another driver/bike/car.
                                                                                                    I have also not been using my glasses at all for the last 3 days, save for one time yesterday when I was driving in the dark and in the rain. It's tricky, as I cannot see things so clearly in the distance, but I'm trying to persevere and not be tempted to rely on them any more. I don't know if it's related (though I'm guessing it probably is), but all yesterday I kept getting dirt etc. in one of my eyes. Also this morning, when driving (despite wearing a helmet with visor) I felt something come into my eye.
                                                                                                    Had some negative moments with my boyfriend when I got home, but these quickly passed. It's tricky but also great that we are both using Baibak. We are both going through our own personal purifications etc., and changes in mood/health etc. are sometimes hard to keep up with. We ended up having a great but heavy dinner last night (pasta).
                                                                                                    Yesterday's Baibak session in the evening was good but very strong. I notice now that the process starts almost immediately, when I repeat the keyphrase maybe once or twice. At the start, my arms were fixed at my sides, held in place by an invisible force, and I felt incredibly light. But then, my body started swaying/rocking forwards and backwards, quite violently. It did this many times, and sometimes I really felt that I would fall over, but didn't. My stomach started twisting and knotting painfully. I felt quite dizzy, but not to the point that I would lose consciousness or my balance. Sometimes the swaying stopped, but then it would start again softly, quickly increasing in speed and strength. Often, my body was thrown back so much that my head snapped back as well, looking upwards. The sensations and power that I felt were very strong — I kept taking very deep breaths, and sometimes my breathing became quite fast and heavy.
                                                                                                    Then, my shoulders and legs started to move, very gently. I started to do a kind of dance with my shoulders and hips. My feet stayed firmly on the floor, but my body swayed gently as my shoulders rolled around and around, one after another. I smiled. It felt quite beautiful. I still had the pain in my stomach, but it was gradually disappearing. I though to myself that if someone could see me, it must look like one of those interpretive dances you see people do.I became completely lost in the movements.
                                                                                                    When the music finished, I felt dazed. I struggled to open my eyes and come back, and felt very dizzy, like I'd just come off a roundabout at the park or spun around on the spot. I had to wait for my boyfriend to help lead me to the sofa to sit down. I closed my eyes, and almost fell asleep there.
                                                                                                    Eventually, I moved to the bed, and went to sleep.
                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 01 august 2014, 05:30 # 0
                                                                                                      Friday:
                                                                                                      Felt very sleepy this morning, and snoozed for 30 mins after my alarm went off.
                                                                                                      When I got up, mystomach was very uncomfortable. I felt quite bloated, and had a lot of gas.
                                                                                                      Once I was up and about, showered etc., felt fine.
                                                                                                      Did Baibak session — some arm movements, a little swaying, but nothing in particular to note. I would say that my mind was all over the place, preoccupied by thoughts of work, what to do at the weekend, things I could do to be nice to my boyfriend, etc. I found it difficult to relax and observe sensations/actual minds.
                                                                                                      Stepping outside, the sun was shining, birds singing, and a beautiful smell in the air!
                                                                                                      Again, driving felt a little strange at times this morning. I also saw an accident on my way to work — two girls that took a corner too fast and both skidded off their bikes. I was right next to them, but hesitated to help for some reason. Someone else came, and they both looked fine, but I realise I've had this before — when I've seen some kind of accident or situation, thought about helping, but hesitated.
                                                                                                      Found out this morning that a good friend of mine is pregnant — she sent me a picture of her scan, and as soon as I saw it I was filled with such joy and happiness for her. I hadn't spoken to her in quite a long time, but know/feel that it is a wonderful development for her.
                                                                                                      Still finding that I'm holding a lot of anger towards colleagues at work. Any time I pick up parts of conversations, or notice something small, it annoys the hell out of me. This morning, as soon as someone started talking close to me, I put my headphones on to block it out.
                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 01 august 2014, 10:01 # 0
                                                                                                        Fantastic lunch! Did Baibak session at work (around 11:30am) — had strong pressure sensations in arms, some pressure in head. Body swayed a little. Had minds come about where I'm at in my life. I realised that, choosing to do Baibak, I'm finally at the stage where I really want to change. I want to be healthy. I want to be happy. I want to be free from limiting beliefs. I want to be free from past learned behaviours that do nothing but upset my relationships with others, particularly my boyfriend. As I realised this, I started to cry a little. I've spent so long hiding, and abusing the people around me.
                                                                                                        I also started thinking about the nearfuture. I know that I will be left alone for sometime, and I need to find somewhere to live for this period. I started debating — should I live with other people? or on my own? Should I stay near friends/work colleagues, or somewhere else? I've had many minds come through the past few weeks about what I'll do when my boyfriend's not around — how will I spend my time? I know that I should relax, that everything will be ok, but I'm finding it hard in some moments.
                                                                                                        After finishing Baibak, went out to get some fruit and then enjoyed a nice lunch with some colleagues — not too much chit chat, a free cake, and some delicious sticky rice desert courtesy of friends.
                                                                                                        Have got a busy afternoon ahead of me at work, but feeling good!
                                                                                                        Got in a short but rather heated debate with a colleague — discussing the «nature of things» (reality/universe etc.) — I'd been listening to another conversation, and started to join in but immediately regretted it. Started feeling quite frustrated, a little angry, and felt this incredible energy rushing around inside me. It did not feel pleasant. I walked away pretty sharpish, and felt better soon enough.
                                                                                                        Some mild stuffiness in head, but overall feeling pretty damn great today! My right knee has been less painful, but still noticeable discomfort, especially after a few trips up and down the stairs!
                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 02 august 2014, 15:20 # +1
                                                                                                          Friday evening:
                                                                                                          Took dinner round to our friends. Ate quite a lot, and it was delicious, but I soon started to feel fairly bloated. Did a few sessions sitting down. Some energy sensations in arms and around wrists, and in legs. Had a very interesting evening — lots of good conversations, insightful information, removal of energetic «dirt». Saw that a lot of issues were brought to resolution, some more subtle, some more deep. Learned of the presence of two individuals standing behind me, with some link to my wrists (and hence the sensations I've been feeling there). I did have some pain in these areas intermittently through the evening/night.
                                                                                                          I had a few beers, which is unusual as I really don't drink very much anymore, after having a bit of an issue through my late teens and early adult life. I would say I felt relaxed. The taste of the first few sips got me thinking of days spent throwing up in a toilet (either on a night out or the morning after), and I hesitated to continue drinking the glass. This passed pretty quickly though, and I enjoyed the subtle glow I felt in my body.
                                                                                                          I eventually went to bed, very tired after a long day. I ran a session lying down before bed, but I think I fell asleep fairly early on, so don't remember too much. Before starting, I remember feeling quite agitated. My boyfriend had not come to bed yet, and I started to think about when he will leave, and I will be left alone for a some time. I felt sadness and anger that I was in bed alone. I quickly snapped out of it though, realised it was perfect timing to run Baibak, and did so. I drifted in and out of consciousness, and my boyfriend came and joined me fairly soon — I was glad to see him, but very tired.

                                                                                                          Saturday afternoon:
                                                                                                          We stayed at out friends (due to the beer, and staying up until around 2:30am chatting/laughing) for the night. I awoke at around 6am, and felt great discomfort in my stomach. Using the bathroom, I somehow managed to have a mixture of constipation and diarrhea at the same time (?!) After using the loo, I felt a lot better. Washed my mouth out (did not enjoy the bitter beer aftertaste/morning breath!), and went back to sleep for a few hours.
                                                                                                          Got up a bit later and ran a standing session. I couldn't recall any significant minds/ideas that came. I stayed pretty still for the most past, occasionally there were some subtle movements of my hands, spinning circles etc., but all focused around the 2nd chakra.
                                                                                                          After session, had a wonderful breakfast with friends. Chatted more, and eventually left sometime around midday I guess (I don't know, I made a point of not clock-watching!), felt quite tired.
                                                                                                          Had a long shower — felt much better. Attempted two (I think) Baibak sessions while on the sofa with my boyfriend, but both times I felt nothing.
                                                                                                          Ordered pizza, which was so-so (cold, not so much flavour). Watched movie «The Angriest Man in Brooklyn» — was quite good, and I had tears in my eyes a few times. I ran a session towards the end of the film, felt some sensations in my arms but nothing else particular to note. I continued to cry a little at some scenes in the movie. It reminded me to live life to the full, enjoy the present moment. However, I am still finding it not so easy to do all the time. I want to be close to my boyfriend. I want to share/give all of myself with him, but I feel that I am holding something back, and I haven't let it go yet. We had a few moments today getting close, feeling the obvious love (and desire) that is in each of us, but every time I "lost the flow" — either some minds came and distracted me, or I just felt it like a light being switched off — one minute starting to burn bright, the next completely dark. He could see that I am struggling, and told me not to hold back, not to keep things inside effectively. I started to cry. I'm tired of this sadness, this process of easy come (not always!) and easy go.
                                                                                                          He suggested I do Baibak (well, asked why I didn't do it, and I said I didn't know!), so I got up and ran a full standing session. It was very strong, and I felt it start around the 3rd/4th keyphrase repetition. I had strong pressure in my lower arms, which stayed glued at my sides for about half the time. I had bizarre and flitting minds throughout. I thought about the presence of two figures standing behind me — who were they? As I asked and looked for the answer, I concluded (again, additionally to the previous night) that they were my Grandparents, pressing down on my shoulders. I remembered that I'd started to have paranoia about suffering some form of abuse in my childhood. I realised, again, that I have no memory of any such event, and I'd say I've now had these thoughts a few times, and each time it feels like some «culprit» is trying to attribute this false memory to another family member or friend. I had this strong feeling that there was someone else, someone who wants me to think badly of my family. If I will analyse, I might go crazy, but I just feel like there is some secret, some event that sits buried within, and hides behind paranoid alternative scenarios. Often times, I've started following a tail of though, only to feel like I've become lost in some labyrinth, tricked once again into walking away from resolution. Typing this now, I'm scared that I sound like a loony person, but it's the only way I can explain it. I started to think in the session about how the media seems to be filling up with stories of abuse, of horrid situations whose publication serves no purpose but to fill people's heads with the idea that these things are common-place. As I thought this, I saw an image of the two figures standing behind me, and as they turned around, their heads (I didn't see their faces) turned to grotesque lizard-like monsters.
                                                                                                          My thoughts went silent for a moment or two. I then started to follow a new trail. I heard a noise from the bedroom where my boyfriend was resting. I thought again how I want to be near him. I want to be the passionate, confident partner.
                                                                                                          My body started swaying quite slowly but also violently. A few times I thought I might fall over.
                                                                                                          At some point, I started «dancing» again, slowly at first, and then quite energetically. My shoulders alternately rolled back as I shifted my weight from one leg to another (not taking my feet off the floor). Like the last «dance» session, I had the distinct impression of something or someone else controlling my body. At times, I felt a magnetic force pulling it around, and at others it was like there was a separate me controlling my body, whilst the true inner self was watching and feeling the movements.
                                                                                                          The session finished, and I felt good. Sat down to type all of this so I didn't forget!
                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 03 august 2014, 07:39 # 0
                                                                                                            Some friends came round yesterday evening. We drank and smoked. I found that I felt quite drunk, though only had a small amount. The evening was really good, but eventually I started to struggle. I felt quite dizzy inside my head, and really just wanted to go and lie down.
                                                                                                            Our friends left, and I felt quite sick, sleepy, drunk, stoned....At one point, I was standing up, and my body started doing movements as if I was doing Baibak. I was dancing gently to the music playing in our house, but I had not said the keyphrase! I was stood with a pint of beer in my hand!
                                                                                                            I sat down as it started to become quite intense. At times, when I closed my eyes, I felt like I was on some psychadellic trip. I had strong visions. I tried to do Baibak sitting down, but I felt very strange.
                                                                                                            My boyfriend wanted to be intimate with me and all I could do was start to cry, so eventually I did a Baibak session sitting down.
                                                                                                            During the session, I had strong sensations in my arms. I tried at one point to stand up, but after about a minute I felt very dizzy and so sat back down. I remember at one point I turned my head from side to side, and realised that it was very dark when I did so, but there was a white glow running down in front of me if I centred my vision. I cannot recall anything more from the session itself.
                                                                                                            After, I went and lay down to go to sleep. At this point, I started to have many interesting minds. I wondered once more about the pressure sensations in my wrists — who was connected? I remembered then, when I was a child, I had learned several musical instruments. I was taught by family members and private tutors. I had vivid memories of someone (my grandmother I think, though also my mum and possibly grandfather too) holding my wrists and forcing me to play (piano), perhaps when I was being naughty and refusing, or maybe I just really didn't want to play. This was not all I remembered. More importantly (and this made me feel quite uncomfortable while thinking about it), I remembered a private teacher who I had lessons with for many years. He was a kind but stern man. I distinctly remember how he would grab my wrist (left), and twist my hand quite violently into the «correct position». Writing this now, I just remembered how I broke my left wrist (a friend tripped me up and I fell and landed on my left hand only), and had it in plaster for several weeks. Only once it had healed could I continue lessons, and I remember in my first week back how he once again grabbed my hand, and pulled my little finger, sending excruciating pain through my wrist. I feel some discomfort writing this, and am starting to have tears in my eyes. I remember how he tried to show me a technique for moving my hand and arm a certain way, and for some reason my body just would not do it. I remember thinking to myself that I just couldn't, and also that I didn't want to. I realise now that the movement itself had a very strong sexual connotation. I remembered how I often felt quite uncomfortable around my teacher. I'd been learning with him since I was young, but once I reached my teens there was something «off». I realise now that I felt some kind of sexual discomfort around him. I think (but cannot recall specifically) that there may have been a few times when he accidentally (or deliberately, I don't know) brushed against me, but that's all. Nothing too «abusive». It's weird, but I kind of get the feeling there was more to this guy than I knew, but because I was always taught with family around, I never saw/experienced it (thankfully!)
                                                                                                            Anyway, after remembering all of this, I felt very tired, and not particularly great. My boyfriend came to bed, and after some time I went to sleep.

                                                                                                            Sunday:
                                                                                                            I woke up this morning feeling fantastic. My boyfriend was already awake, and we spent some wonderful time together being intimate. He is like the perfect puzzle piece to match mine.
                                                                                                            Now, as I sit and write this post, and chat with him about what I'm writing, I feel emotions coming over me. These memories, they're not something so horrific as I'd let myself believe, but yet the feelings I attach to them are so strong. My teenage years were full of confusion, self hatred and abuse, rebellion etc. that to come back to those times brings them flooding to the surface. Started to cry again. I will do Baibak.
                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 03 august 2014, 07:54 # 0
                                                                                                              Session was very strong. Had a lot of thoughts for the first half. Many insights into past events. Had more memories of teenage times. Some memories of sexual activities, that I had negative associations with, and started to realise that they were in fact positive. I keep myself as negative in these times, but I can remember them another way. Felt some pain in my head before starting the session, but now it's gone.
                                                                                                              Remembered during session that I'd been quite skeptical of magic/god/healing/energy/spiritual stuff for a chunk of my adult life, but when I was a teenager I'd believed. I'd even made some vague attempts at meditation and intuitive rituals (I wanted to be a witch!). Somewhere along the line, I lost my «faith». I regained it when I left my old life in the UK, but saw some of it resurface a few days ago. It was a brief (about 5 seconds!) but very real doubt about the system, and about the abilities of those who created/run it. Having remembered all the stuff in my previous post, and found the connection with some of the body parts I've been having issues with, I am in no doubt. Baibak is working wonders for me — thank you Baibak, its creators, and my subconscious!
                                                                                                              Second half of the session was much quieter (in my mind), but more bodily movements. Swaying, dancing, hands in front of 2nd chakra. I realised just how precise Baibak is — I feel how it works with whatever the best part is at that time — work is done with different chakras/areas each session, to achieve the best result at that time. Sometimes it's higher chakras, and I feel effects in my communication, my intuition etc., and sometimes it's lower chakras, and I feel more physical energy, more sexual openness, willpower etc. Also, I had abeautiful moment listening to the music, and noticing how it has a perfect balance of instruments, each providing a melody for a specific chakra, like the tribal drumming for the 1st chakra. I started concentrating quite hard, trying to pick out the ones I couldn't remember or hear, but eventually justrelaxed and enjoyed the good vibrations.
                                                                                                              I realise I've written a lot for these past few entries, but there's just so much information coming. I can't even fit in all that I want to say, or I'd spend all day writing and nothing else!
                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 03 august 2014, 12:38 # 0
                                                                                                                Today has continued to be great. Visited hot springs with my boyfriend, had a good lunch, lots of intimacy throughout the day. My body actually felt quite tired after eating, though it was a fairly light meal.
                                                                                                                Upon returning home, I had a bit of a headache, and had been having pains now and again through the day. Did Baibak session — had some subtle movements of my arms, intense heat around my hands and arms (not inside). Some swaying of body, and shoulders moving. Mind was pretty quiet throughout, though at the start it was raining outside, and the noise sounded like my boyfriend was typing on his laptop behind me. I felt really annoyed at this, until I realised of course that he was not, and started to relax into the session. Nothing much more to add. My headache had disappeared by the time I finished the session.
                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 04 august 2014, 05:14 # 0
                                                                                                                  The day continued to be great.
                                                                                                                  Had a good evening with friends, nice food. Felt fairly tired by the time we got home.
                                                                                                                  Did Baibak session before bed — I yawned before I had even finished uttering the first phrase in my head! Mind was pretty noisy throughout. Kept thinking of random stuff, thoughts about preparing for work the next day. Had some heat sensations through arms, body swaying, and subtle movements of hands around 2nd chakra. Had some moments where I was moving more fluidly from my shoulders, in a gentle dance again.
                                                                                                                  Some pain in shoulders, kept feeling the urge to stretch my shoulders and back, and they creaked and cracked as I did so.
                                                                                                                  Went to bed and feel asleep pretty fast.
                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 04 august 2014, 05:18 # 0
                                                                                                                    Monday:
                                                                                                                    Woke up feeling great. Good energy levels, though my body feels pretty tired.
                                                                                                                    Went to market to get fruits for me and my boyfriend. When I got back, we did Baibak. Mind was fairly noisy again, lots of thoughts about work and what to do today. Tried to relax and focus on sensations etc.
                                                                                                                    Started thinking again about where I should move to to stay on my own, and feeling the early signs of some sadness if I was to stay in our house alone. As I though this, my boyfriend walked past me to go to the toilet, and this trail of thought stopped.
                                                                                                                    Nothing much more to note about the session. Some movements, swaying etc. Hands stopped in front of 3rd chakra for some time.
                                                                                                                    Feeling a little tired now that I'm at work, but very positive for the day ahead.
                                                                                                                    Fairly uneventful day at work, though everything went well. I'm finding that my productivity has vastly improved — it's like I'm finding extra hours in the day that weren't there before!
                                                                                                                    Had an uneventful but good Baibak session at lunch. I actually almost forgot to do it, but realised I had time and so went and shut myself away for twenty minutes. Had some movements in my arms, a bit of body swaying. Lots of minds about work projects that I'm trying to do at the moment, but nothing I would say that was «insightful». My lunchtime sessions are actually one of my favourite parts of my work day — getting to block out all the mindless chatter I'm surrounded by (though sometimes only so that I can listen to my own mindless chatter!) Plus, I am noticing how much calmer I am at work, and I love that I am in a place where going to «meditate» in my lunchbreak is perfectly acceptable :)
                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 05 august 2014, 07:14 # 0
                                                                                                                      Evening session — a lot of «dancing» — not so many minds. The movements were fluid, sometimes fast, sometimes slow. A big difference for me was noticing that I was not being pulled by external forces (magnetic) as in past sessions, but that I could feel the mind of my body, moving and swaying in the best way possible to loosen my joints and free up stagnant energy. It felt beautiful. I realised I have quite a craving to go out and dance!
                                                                                                                      Had a really good evening too — spent time with friends. Had fish (!) for dinner, and it tasted really good!
                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 05 august 2014, 08:52 # +1
                                                                                                                        Tuesday:
                                                                                                                        Woke up feeling pretty sleep, so had a snooze for 30 minutes.
                                                                                                                        Felt pretty good, though my body is feeling quite achey, like I’ve done a lot of exercise…
                                                                                                                        Morning session was fine – movements in arms and hands similar to earlier sessions, stopping in front of various chakras (1st, 2nd, 3rd, 4th).
                                                                                                                        Things I’ve noticed recently but forgot to mention:
                                                                                                                        I’ve been gritting my teeth/clenching my jaw quite a lot (I catch myself doing it when I brush my teeth, or when I’m doing something strenuous or painful).
                                                                                                                        I seem to be getting cramp in my leg quite a lot, particularly when I wake up and start to stretch. Also cramp in my foot too.
                                                                                                                        My eyesight is slightly better at times, as I can recognise faces from slightly further away, but overall I have not noticed a significant difference (and going without glasses for 4/5 days now has been challenging sometimes!)
                                                                                                                        Alcohol is having an interesting effect — I haven't had a lot to drink, but I've had a few glasses the last few days, and I found it interesting. I felt like my body and my mind have forgotten what it is, and so the effects are feeling quite weird sometimes. I don't crave it, nor do I feel aversion for it. I will see, perhaps I will drink more often, or perhaps not. It doesn't really matter!
                                                                                                                        I’m definitely not drinking enough water (I’m sitting here typing, with an empty water bottle, and a water cooler just 10 steps away…).
                                                                                                                        I find myself in moments where I feel so much love and joy that it’s overwhelming. This morning I was on the motorbike with my boyfriend and I just wanted to throw my arms into the air and fly into the sky I felt so happy and so much love for him.
                                                                                                                        Pretty good day at work.
                                                                                                                        Lunchtime session — some arm movements, and a few minds about the practice and how it was working. I've noticed many smaller changes, particularly changes to my mood, reactions to others, and that kind of thing. It's difficult to put in to words (and half the time the changes come so often that I can't keep track of them!)
                                                                                                                        Headache by the afternoon, but I'd not drunk enough water through the day so not surprised by this. I will ask during my next session for help remembering to drink more often!
                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 06 august 2014, 05:21 # 0
                                                                                                                          Evening session was difficult! I felt very agitated. I was tired, and wanted to go to bed. I got bored. I wanted the session to end. My mind was all over the place. I couldn't concentrate on any sensations. I kept making noises like I was in pain, or «groaning». I started swinging my arms around, trying to occupy myself. The session eventually finished, and I went to bed.
                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 06 august 2014, 05:23 # 0
                                                                                                                            Wednesday:
                                                                                                                            First thing I did when I got up was drink water — determined not to end up with dehydration headaches today!
                                                                                                                            Had a sore throat and runny nose, like the beginning of a cold. Started to «act» the sick person, thinking that the day ahead would be a challenge. Then I remembered that thinking in this way will manifest such a situation, so ignored the symptoms and got on with the day.
                                                                                                                            Morning session was much better than the previous night's. Strong energy sensations in arms, hands, and sometimes head. Lots of movement in arms and stopping in front of chakras, mainly anahata (4th) this time. Minds about the next few weeks, what I will do, how to make the best of my time. Felt really good when the session had finished.
                                                                                                                            Lunchtime session at work — opened my eyes a couple of times at the start, as I thought perhaps someone was knocking on the door. I even heard the faint sound of someone calling my name, but of course no-one was there. Whilst it's great that I can do sessions at work, it's not 100% private as there's a chance someone may walk past the door. I put up signs saying «do not disturb» etc., but I guess I'm always a little preoccupied (at the start of sessions) with the thought that someone needs the room/to speak to me.
                                                                                                                            Anyway, the session was good. Strong pressure sensations in my arms, particularly upper arms and wrists again. Quite a lot of dull pain in my wrists, particularly my left one. Memories once again of music lessons. Also, I realise that when I broke my left wrist (around age 15), I think it was a time when I was getting overwhelmed with the music training, and breaking my arm was a way to take a break from practicing and lessons! I still have the feeling that there is more to this «story», that there is an incident hiding somewhere that I've forgotten, but I'm not going to push it. It will come when the time is right (if at all!).
                                                                                                                            Have been experiencing quite a lot of gas, bloating, and sudden urges to use the toilet. Not enjoying this at all, but hopefully it will pass.
                                                                                                                            Had some pains in lower abdomen earlier, like period cramps. Hoping I haven't started my period again just yet!
                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 07 august 2014, 05:25 # 0
                                                                                                                              Didn't feel as tired after work yesterday as usual.
                                                                                                                              Had a wonderful evening with my boyfriend. Ate dinner, but realised it didn't really taste of anything because I wasn't really hungry. I want to be more conscious of eating when I'm actually hungry, and not when I'm not!
                                                                                                                              Session before bed — usual sensations and movements of arms/hands. Nothing particular to note.
                                                                                                                              Felt very sleepy afterwards so went to bed.
                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 07 august 2014, 05:27 # 0
                                                                                                                                Thursday:
                                                                                                                                Woke up feeling fantastic, though sleepy when my alarm went off so snoozed for half an hour.
                                                                                                                                Morning session was good — arm movements, some swaying. Had memories back to a family holiday with my younger brother and parents. The memories were really happy, and I realised that I miss them all.
                                                                                                                                Big thing I realised today/yesterday — I don't have thrush! Before starting Baibak, when I was having periods that were 3 weeks long (at least), I was also experiencing strong symptoms of candida infection (particularly when not bleeding). Now is the first time in a long time that I've been free of the symptoms and it feels great!
                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 07 august 2014, 09:08 # 0
                                                                                                                                  Lunchtime session — strong pressure sensation around forearms. Also vibrations felt in hands/fingers. Some dull pressure all over my head to begin with, but this wore off after some time.
                                                                                                                                  Lots of movement around 2nd/3rd chakras. For the most part, my hands were spinning circles, parallel to the floor, in front of both hips.
                                                                                                                                  Had memories back to my time as a student, living away from home for the first time. I was desperate to feel accepted. I saw moments (and faces) of many past relationships that happened during this time. Some of them, I realised, I don't even remember what happened, like why the relationship ended (most of them were pretty brief though!). I remembered some quite traumatic times too, mainly focused around one man who had made unwelcome advances and proceeded to attack me (unsuccessfully), and then went on to behave strangely when around me. I realised that, crazy/aggressive/disgusting his actions may have been, they were a result of something I had done too. I was so desperate to be accepted, to be loved, that I flirted with most guys I met, and then withdrew if they made unwelcome advances. Those that were welcome, I gave myself to. In neither of these situations did I feel the warmth or love I was really looking for, yet I repeated this behaviour time and again, for many years. Looking back now, I don't feel sad, or angry, but I do feel like I lost a bit of myself every time I had sex with another man, and it will take time to rebuild the pieces.
                                                                                                                                  The session finished, and I feel quite sleepy, and after writing the above, a little teary-eyed. Think I'll be keeping to myself for a while to avoid any spontaneous crying.
                                                                                                                                  Had a good afternoon at work. Mood was good. Decided to do a bit of a cleanup on my computer — feeling better for it. Lots of rubbish uninstalled!
                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 07 august 2014, 17:42 # 0
                                                                                                                                    Went to shopping centre in the evening — it was freezing cold inside, and I felt quite strange and uncomfortable. I didn't really like being inside. I didn't like how I couldn't see any outside space, and how some of the shop displays were high so that I couldn't see past them. Had some dinner which was nice, but I mis-ordered something with chicken, and didn't like the taste. I picked out the chicken pieces.
                                                                                                                                    I felt really strange the whole time I guess, emotionally unstable.
                                                                                                                                    When we got home, I felt pretty rubbish emotionally, so I immediately launched a Baibak session (8pm). Strong pressure in right hand and wrist, and eventually very sharp pain in my right index finger, then my wrist, then my middle finger, then my head. Felt very hot.
                                                                                                                                    Memories of ex-boyfriends, and specifically times when boys told me I was ugly. Started to cry. Felt pain in right breast. Memories shifted to other events on the same theme, time I «lost my virginity» (I didn't lose it, I gave it away). Cried again. Kept moving my hand to wipe away tears. Body leaning forwards again and again.
                                                                                                                                    After, felt relaxed but neutral, not happy, not sad. Arms feel quite strange. Some pain in right elbow. Feel very hot still, but inside my body (no sweating), like I've got a temperature, but I don't.
                                                                                                                                    Did another session before bed — very intense. Strong energy sensations, swaying. Also some shoulders moving (dancing). Very strong pain at times in my fingers and wrists again. Also dull pain in my breast. Eventually, the session started to become unbearable. Felt agitated, and started feeling quite sick and dizzy. Thought about stopping the session, or sitting down, but eventually Irelaxed and was able to continue. Minds again about past events, focused on previous relationships.
                                                                                                                                    Felt extremely sleepy after finishing, so went to bed.
                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 08 august 2014, 05:26 # 0
                                                                                                                                      Friday:
                                                                                                                                      Woke up feeling pretty fresh.
                                                                                                                                      Strange mood though, and relations with boyfriend were up and down — I wasn't sure what was going on. I felt good, then bad, then sad, then fine, then sad again etc. Also felt quite sick at times.
                                                                                                                                      Did Baibak and felt much better. Relaxed and calm, and positive. Minds were fairly calm. A lot of arm movements and strong energy/pressure sensations. Had some memories of a past holiday and last relationship. Was quite strange.
                                                                                                                                      After the session, felt good.
                                                                                                                                      Day at work going fine, though feeling quite sick at lunchtime. Had some food, feeling ok, but will see how the day goes. Shoulders quite achey, and pain in right knee as usual, building through the day.
                                                                                                                                      Didn't manage a lunchtime session as quite busy at work. Feeling a little dehydrated again so trying to drink more water.
                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 09 august 2014, 04:42 # 0
                                                                                                                                        Evening ate too much food. Felt very tired. Minds about image, not feeling good about my body and the changes in size recently (bigger!)
                                                                                                                                        Baibak session nefore bed — more minds about image, started to cry sometimes. Remembered comments from others about looking larger. Lots of strong energy sensations. Also many moments of sharp pain in various places in my body — hands, fingers, arms, abdomen, chest, breast.
                                                                                                                                        Very tired once finished.
                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 09 august 2014, 05:51 # 0
                                                                                                                                          Saturday:
                                                                                                                                          Feeling lretty rubbish.
                                                                                                                                          Sore throat, achey body. Tired.
                                                                                                                                          Did Baibak. Strong energy and pressure sensations.mquit a lot of pain in right side of my body. Also ligt pressure on top of chest. Pain in fingers, wrist. General aching all over, and feeling quite weak. Sneezed quite a few times during session.
                                                                                                                                          After, got back into bed to rst. Sneezed and hat ripping pain in lower abdomen.
                                                                                                                                          Just feeling quite run-down.
                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 09 august 2014, 14:38 # +1
                                                                                                                                            Did another session a bit later, lying down in bed.
                                                                                                                                            Strong energy sensations in arms. Felt I was falling asleep a few times, then I'd suddenly awake and the sensations would grow. Felt many pains throughout body. Memories that I can't recall now.
                                                                                                                                            Felt a bit better after. Still stuffy head, throat a little sore. Had some food and juice (vit c!) and a bit of sunshine in the afternoon.
                                                                                                                                            Mood and physical energy was up and down throughout the day. Took some rest later in the afternoon, and did another session lying down.
                                                                                                                                            Lots of memories back to past events. Most not very positive experiences, but watching them without too much reaction/involvement.
                                                                                                                                            Varying emotions when not in sessions, today has been challenging. Jealousy, anger, doubt, sadness, paranoia, but also joy, desire, and happiness in some moments.
                                                                                                                                            Struggled with relationship in some moments too — mis-communications, and my changing attitude to the things and people around me, have left me feeling pretty low overall.
                                                                                                                                            Managed an additional standing session whilst I had the house to myself, though didn't finish as friends turned up for the evening with about 1 minute left in the music, so I stopped the session. Had strong energy sensations in arms, though not so much movement. My memory now of any significant minds or things to note is poor. Think I will do another session soon before heading for bed — would like a good night's sleep.
                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 09 august 2014, 20:15 # 0
                                                                                                                                              Did another session before bed. Lots of body movement. Felt pretty horrible in some moments, cried several times. Kept seeing horrible visions. Spiders, me falling down and hitting my head.
                                                                                                                                              Strained relations continue. It's safe to say that right now I'm feeling pretty fuckin miserable. After the session finished, I just burst into tears and cried even more. Small domestic things are setting me off, making me feel incredibly angry and frustrated. Then, when I realise that I'm reacting in this way, I get sad that I'm treating those I love (and myself) in such a shit way. So then I cry. Then more minds come about other things that make me more angry/frustrated/sad. I feel like I'm under attack from myself.
                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 12 august 2014, 03:56 # 0
                                                                                                                                                Saturday, i guess i did about 4 or 5 sessions. The final session I did standing. Emotions were high. Lots of arm movements. Can't remember anything more specific.
                                                                                                                                                Sunday:
                                                                                                                                                Day off from posting as have gone on holiday. Didn't do morning session — was late in leaving the house!
                                                                                                                                                Arrived at destination — beautiful scenery, wildlife, and a fantastic room with private hotspring! Did session sitting in the water — felt wonderfully relaxed but no movements/noticeable minds.
                                                                                                                                                Also did a session in bed before going to sleep — again nothing noticeable, but feel that I need to do more full sessions (standing) to get the full benefit.

                                                                                                                                                Monday:
                                                                                                                                                Did morning session in the hot spring — noticed how the water amplified the sounds of my neck cracking, with the feeling of tiny joints popping back into their correct place.
                                                                                                                                                Arms were floating up in front of my chest (I was sitting with my feet on the floor) for most of the time, with strong energy sensation pushing them upward (plus the force of the water!)
                                                                                                                                                Visited some waterfalls, did another session whilst there was nobody around. Had my feet on a rock under the rushing water which felt wonderful. Sun shining, a light drizzle of rain. Didn't notice too much within the session itself, just felt joyous to be sat under clear running water high in the mountains.
                                                                                                                                                Did another session back at the hotel (standing). Some arm movements, moderate energy sensations running through them. Started to get a little agitated towards the end, waiting for it to finish. Afterwards, took another dip in hot spring. Feeling very good!
                                                                                                                                                Went to bed late without doing Baibak — had a fair amount of alcohol/food and just wanted to sleep as felt quit dizzy (a little drunk I guess!)
                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 12 august 2014, 07:48 # 0
                                                                                                                                                  Tuesday:
                                                                                                                                                  Woke up feeling ok. My body feels very tired. A lot of muscular pain/tension in my back, neck, knees, legs. I've had an amazing few days, spent wonderful moments with the one I love, sat listening to nature, had good conversations with friends, relaxed in hot mineral spring wqter, and watched the clouds roll by. But my body is feeling the strain. i've had a fair bit of exercise, and my muscles have not had time to adapt.
                                                                                                                                                  Did Baibak this morning in the hot spring again, felt wonderful. Sat and wtched the mountains ahead of me. Closed my eyes for some time. Again heard/felt the tiny cracks in my neck as my bones realign themselves, but noticed how tired/painful my back feels. I can say that I've got the mind of a 20year old, but my body feels about 40 right now!
                                                                                                                                                  Anyway, I'm going to enjoy the rest of the holiday (we leave later today), but am also looking forward to getting back into a proper routine in terms of Baibak sessions.
                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 13 august 2014, 04:02 # 0
                                                                                                                                                    Journey home was a challenge for me. Had very honest discussion with partner before leaving, and for a large part of the journey I was sobbing, minds coming again and again as my mind found more and more ways to twist the limited information I had. Every time I thought I reached some conclusion, some resolution or acceptance, the minds would come again, perhaps down some slightly different trail of thought that I hadn't yet resolved. It was exruciating.
                                                                                                                                                    Did Baibak session before bed (standing). Again, minds came around the same theme.
                                                                                                                                                    I cried, for most of the session. Paranoia, unacceptance of myself, distrust, suicidal «what if» scenarios. It feels like I'm under attack from myself. Even reaching some kind of acceptance, my mind then finds alternative ways to trip me up — image fears, self confidence issues. I just can't seem to let all these things go.

                                                                                                                                                    Wednesday:
                                                                                                                                                    Did Baibak in the morning. Before I'd started, and actually from the minute I woke up, more negative minds. I'm just going round in circles. Memories of conversations and past situations keep playing over and over, like a pick and mix of negative possibilities feeding this downward spiral I feel that I'm in. I have to go to work today, but I feel awful, like I will breakdown and cry at any moment. Old urges to hit myself, or bach my head against the wall, are strong. And that's just making me feel worse. I thought I'd dealt with all this bullshit behaviour, but it's just coming back to torment me again.
                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 13 august 2014, 06:30 # 0
                                                                                                                                                      Given recent experiences, have decided to take a day to run intensive Baibak sessions.
                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 14 august 2014, 06:45 # +1
                                                                                                                                                        So yesterday didintensive Baibak sessions.
                                                                                                                                                        Started in the morning after a little fruit and water. I had already run one session in the morning by myself, which brought up a lot of negative issues and I was crying, and had a bit of a "breakdown". Then ran another session with my boyfriend before he left the house. During these two sessions alone, I had some very deep insights. I was able to see more clearly what I desire in my life, what path I see for my future. I struggled, however, with accepting this fully, as I was afraid of my boyfriend's desires — would/do they match my own?
                                                                                                                                                        After he left, I ran a total of 6 sessions.
                                                                                                                                                        First two standing — I felt quite sick after the first, had to use the toilet. But felt ok after the 2nd.
                                                                                                                                                        Third one sitting down — strong sensations, was pushed back at one point so that my back was arched over the back of the chair and my head was almost upside down.
                                                                                                                                                        Fourth & Fifth lying on the bed — I drifted in and out of consciousness, and though I'm sure I drifted off to sleep for only a few moments, each time I awoke I was unsure if I was still on session 4/5, or if the music had already looped and restarted and maybe I was on session 6 or 7. During these sessions, my mind was actually very quiet. I had some movements of arms and body, but the usual sensations were weaker. I experienced a lot of pain in my head and other areas during the first session, in fact before even starting. I wondered whether anything was actually going on, though I knew it was. At the end of the 5th session, I had awoken feeling very fresh. I decided to do one more session standing, and felt during this session that it was enough.
                                                                                                                                                        My boyfriend came home, and offered to take me round to friends for some food, but I felt quite sick at the thought, so stayed at home. I wrote down all the things I'd thought about/realised. I made myself some scrambled egg with veg, but didn't finish it. It made my teeth hurt to eat it.
                                                                                                                                                        Once left completely alone to my thoughts, I felt quite sad. I remembered during the sessions some recent events, how I had pretty muchignored a girl I'd met because I wasn't sure how to speak to her — she had a bodily condition that affected her movement, and I shied away from speaking. I felt horrible and embarrassed realising how cold I was towards her.
                                                                                                                                                        I drew the outline for another chakra painting, this time anahata (heart). I thought more about my desires for life, what I really want. Again I was worried about my boyfriends thoughts. It was great that I'd come to some realisations for myself, but I was terrified of sharing my thoughts with him in case he rejected me and my feelings. Other issues, such as trust, were coming to the surface too. I was able to see during and after my sessions that most (if not all) recent issues have been associated with this one deep desire that I feel inside myself. After writing all this down, I began to feel quite upset. I knew that it was time to do the next intensive session (2 hours had gone by since I'd stopped).
                                                                                                                                                        I managed 2 standing sessions — I cried and cried. Sometimes soft crying, other times agonising screams. I felt distraught. I felt this emptiness inside, and I was so scared that if I shared how I felt, I would end up even more empty and alone. My boyfriend returned home while I was finishing the 2nd session, but I'd stopped crying by then.
                                                                                                                                                        The 3rd session I also stood, but my body swayed a lot. My arms were also almost always swinging forwards and backwards at my sides, for most of the standing sessions.
                                                                                                                                                        The 4th session I lay down on the bed. I felt that I could have finished on the 3rd, but wanted to do one more just in case. There was very strong pressure/energy in my arms, pushing them into the mattress.
                                                                                                                                                        When the 4th session was finished, I got up and welcomed my boyfriend home.
                                                                                                                                                        The rest of the day we spent together. In the evening, we had an open discussion about some of the things that have come as a result of our recent Baibak practice — his desires, my desires. It was still very difficult for me to speak, each time I started to say something my mind went crazy with thoughts about "what if". Although he could not commit to what I realised I wanted for myself, it was good to say it out loud. It's been really difficult for me to get to the stage where I can talk to him more openly, and not be held back by my fears of him rejecting me, not wanting me. Paranoia about our future has played with my emotions and my life for too long.
                                                                                                                                                        The intensive sessions were exactly what I needed during this time. Should I hit another rough patch, I will definitely repeat the process. I feel like a lot of blocks were removed yesterday. I will continue to watch the changes as they happen.
                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 14 august 2014, 09:38 # 0
                                                                                                                                                          Ok so I'm really struggling at work today. I know that after the intensive sessions I needed at least a day to integrate, but I didn't want to miss another day at work (and a day's pay).
                                                                                                                                                          I don't want to be here. I spend 10 hours of my day out of the house, away from my boyfriend, with other people who I don't have much in common with, giving a lot of my energy to the many people I come in contact with for my job. We have plans to leave soon, and I will finish my job in 6 weeks, but that seems like such a long time now. I feel a commitment to finish my contract, but I also know that my relationship, my love, is far more important than not upsetting my boss. Anyway, I am trying to leave early today so that I can go home. Feel exhausted. Head is hurting a bit, like a constant dull ache in the background. Also feeling a mixture of sick and hungry.
                                                                                                                                                          Did Baibak session this morning which was good — some arm movements, but overall a «quiet» session.
                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 15 august 2014, 05:32 # 0
                                                                                                                                                            Friday:
                                                                                                                                                            Left work early yesterday to go home — glad I did!
                                                                                                                                                            Had very good conversations with boyfriend. So many blocks and fears are being brought to the surface — it's tough, but getting through them is amazing. I guess I feel lighter.
                                                                                                                                                            Did a little bit of painting and had good food.
                                                                                                                                                            Did Baibak session before bed — lots of body swaying, dancing, arm movements. Strong energy sensations in my arms. Occasional pain in head. Felt good when finished, not too sleepy.
                                                                                                                                                            When I lay down for bed, I had intense energy sensations in my abdomen/manipura chakra, and sometimes throat chakra and 3rd eye chakra. The sensations were strong, and sometimes moved where I focused my attention, sometimes not. I actually ran Baibak again as I was lying down, and fell into a deep sleep.
                                                                                                                                                            I was woken some time later by my boyfriend getting up. I started to get angry about the light being on/being woken up. I fell asleep again.
                                                                                                                                                            He woke me a second time, and I got really pissed off. I started feeling sharp anger, and was met withsharp pain in my stomach and breast. After a few minutes, I calmed down and went out to have some water. I stayed up with my boyfriend for some time, we chatted, and I felt again this heaviness being lifted. I feel that our relationship is becoming more open. The fear I felt of «speaking my mind» is still there, but it'snot holding me back. I admitted that my anger stemmed largely from the fact that I feel pressure to sleep enough for work the next day, to not be tired. And that I'm actually tired of this commitment. I don't want to be constantly thinking of the fact that I am obligated to somebody else.

                                                                                                                                                            Ran a session this morning — minds were very busy, mainly about work(!). Feeling good today, though my body is still quite tired and achy. Maybe I will go for a massage sometime this weekend…
                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 15 august 2014, 09:50 # 0
                                                                                                                                                              Lunchtime session at work — strong energy sensations in my arms, to the point that my right arm felt particularly painful and very heavy. Also strong pain in right hand and wrist.
                                                                                                                                                              My body hardly moved though. My feet and legs stayed firmly straight for almost the entire session, and I felt how my body and lower chakras were stronger.
                                                                                                                                                              I also felt some arousal in the 2nd chakra area (in my body, and also as an energy sensation outside of my body). My sexual energy/appetite has been increasing noticeably over the past few weeks, and it is something I'm still getting used to!
                                                                                                                                                              Eventually I had some subtle movements in my arms/hands, spinning very small fast circles at my sides/in front of me.
                                                                                                                                                              Session ended and I feel really good — more energy to continue my day at work (which has been much better than yesterday — I have a heap of jobs to do piling up, but somehow I actually feel more productive today!)
                                                                                                                                                              Headache by the afternoon — not enough water and a challenging time at work. Bought some spring rolls to get an energy boost, but they were burnt and tasted not great :( Feel pressure in my ears, and growing pain in my jaw.
                                                                                                                                                              Time for more water and some intensive admin for the last hour before I go home.
                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 17 august 2014, 09:01 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                Friday eve:
                                                                                                                                                                Noticed some pain during the afternoon in my right ear and jaw. I assumed that I had made some injury to my jaw, but after some time it became apparent that this was not necessarily the case.
                                                                                                                                                                Coming home from work, I was pretty exhausted. I had planned meet some friends, but cancelled thinking I would cook dinner, but my boyfriend wasn't hungry, and so I went to bed very early, probably around 7:30/8. I ran Baibak while in the bed, and fell asleep almost straight away. He tried to wake me up a little later, but I was out for the count. I did wake up a little, but was so sleepy he decided to join me and we slept through to late the next morning.

                                                                                                                                                                Saturday morning:
                                                                                                                                                                Ran Baibak while in bed, went back to sleep again, woke up and ran it again, and dozed in bed until quite late. My ear was quite painful.
                                                                                                                                                                Eventually got up and made breakfast/lunch. Watched a movie. My ear was growing increasingly painful through the day.
                                                                                                                                                                Ran Baibak sitting down at one point, which helped a little but during the session the pain only increased.
                                                                                                                                                                Had a good dinner, though a lot of cakes!
                                                                                                                                                                Ran Baibak standing in the evening, and the pain in my ear was so intense. Some body swaying too. I noticed very clearly how I could sense pressure inside the right side of my head, behind my eye, my cheek, my jaw, and stretching in to the left side of my face. The rest of my head was imperceptible.
                                                                                                                                                                Also, some interesting events and feelings through the day yesterday. Some strange conversations, cancelling again on friends, and feelings of guilt. Realising that things are not always as they seem, and we are all subject to the push and pull of external forces.
                                                                                                                                                                Cleared some possessions (clothes), finished Anahata chakra painting — looking at it now makes me smile!
                                                                                                                                                                Went to bed and ran Baibak lying down, perhaps a couple of times I'm not sure. Managed to fall asleep, but woke up at about 1a.m. with intense pain. I tried to fall back to sleep, but I couldn't find a position to lie in without feeling strong pressure and pain in my ear and jaw.
                                                                                                                                                                I got up and ran a session sitting on the sofa (being upright made the pain slightly more bearable). The pain just increased and increased. During the session, I decided to take a strong painkiller when finished, and try to go back to bed.
                                                                                                                                                                As the session was finishing, I took one tablet, and went and lay down in the bed and ran another session, whilst waiting for the painkiller to take effect. This session lying down was particularly painful, but I did not want to get up or move at all.
                                                                                                                                                                After some time fell asleep.

                                                                                                                                                                Sunday:
                                                                                                                                                                Woke up and was surprised to find that I hadno pain at all.
                                                                                                                                                                However after some time the pain started to show. As I woke up the pain increased.
                                                                                                                                                                I decided to get up, and cleaned the bathroom (dirty for some time and I just couldn't leave it any longer!), before having a shower. The pain was not too bad actually, and was apparent only when I moved my jaw too much (yawning, drinking, talking).
                                                                                                                                                                Pain increased during shower. After, ran a standing session. By the end, the pain had become particularly strong again.
                                                                                                                                                                Boyfriend has gone out to try and find ear candles to relieve the pressure, or perhaps some other treatment, as now the pain is intense and I feel I need to resort to some additional treatement. I will alsocontinue to run Baibak sessions through the day.
                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 18 august 2014, 05:57 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                  Ran several Baibak sessions throughout the day (sitting, lying down).
                                                                                                                                                                  Pain was up and down through the day. Boyfriend came home with some anti-congestion tablets to ease the pressure. Took the recommended dose though have not seen noticeable improvement.
                                                                                                                                                                  Friends came round, and ended up looking at some other treatments.
                                                                                                                                                                  Using coconut oil and clove oil on cotton within the ear, and hot compress.
                                                                                                                                                                  By late evening, was starting to feel worse. Had a little to drink (alcohol) in the day, but this made me feel even worse I guess. Started feeling dizzy, like I would lose consciousness (when I started trying out the oil remedy).
                                                                                                                                                                  Ended up lying down on the bed in a state of exhaustion, not really aware of too much around me.
                                                                                                                                                                  Ran Baibak a number of times lying down, and eventually went to sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 18 august 2014, 05:59 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                    Monday:
                                                                                                                                                                    Have phoned in sick for work. Overall, pressure etc. inside head feels improved, however the pain is still there. Sometimes a dull ache in my ear, other times a shooting sharp pain that overwhelms me and often makes me cry out.
                                                                                                                                                                    Ran Baibak session standing. Some bodily swaying. A lot of movement of my head and shoulders. Was worried what pain would come from the sudden movements of my head, but it was only occasional.
                                                                                                                                                                    Now have sat down to do some work, with cotton (and oil) in ear. Pain is again up and down — sometimes very strong and sharp, other times barely noticeable.
                                                                                                                                                                    My head definitely feels less stuffy today, but I feel very weak at times, and the pain in my ear is often very intense and painful, and comes without warning. I'm running sessions while sitting, as and when I remember to start them. I hope the pain finishes soon.
                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 18 august 2014, 18:07 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                      By the evening, pain has significantly reduced.
                                                                                                                                                                      Spent some nice time with friends and boyfriend, relaxed. Feeling more energy in general in my body, still tired, but noticeably improved. Periods of pain are becoming less frequent and intense, though are still cropping up now and again.
                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 19 august 2014, 06:14 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                        Tuesday:
                                                                                                                                                                        Was surprised to wake up pain free this morning. I was even able to lie on my side in bed (had been very painful to do so the last few days).
                                                                                                                                                                        As I got up, I noticed that the pressure inside my ear was still there a little bit, but nowhere near as bad as it has been, and moments of pain are much less frequent.
                                                                                                                                                                        Ran Baibak standing before leaving for work — fairly stable in my legs, not so much movement though some swaying forwards and backwards. Some gentle arm movements up and down. Minds were fairly quiet throughout.
                                                                                                                                                                        Didn't really want to go to work, but felt ok enough so came in. Am still using cotton wool dipped in coconut and clove oil to help ease any pain/pressure, and also to make it evident to others that I'm still recovering (helps to explain to people to please not shout).
                                                                                                                                                                        Feeling quite tired, and wishing I was at home again. Trying not to get caught up in negative thinking — I chose this job, I made a commitment to stay until September, blah blah blah. But I just want out! I want to paint. I want to dance and sing. I want to hold my boyfriend close and smell his aftershave. And I want to do all these things whenever the mood takes me, not when I've finished a 10 hour day looking after other people and their wants and needs, or in-between cleaning the house at the weekend because I know it will get left for another week if I don't.
                                                                                                                                                                        I can definitely say that doing Baibak is helping me to get through this time, I just wish I could fast-forward to being free of this job. But at the same time, I'm nervous about what I'll do once it's finished. How will I make sufficient money? What will I do? I feel like these questions lead me in a circular maze of potential answers, with no clear path.
                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 19 august 2014, 09:59 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                          Lunchtime session was really good.
                                                                                                                                                                          Felt really relaxed at the start, clear minds, strong body.
                                                                                                                                                                          After some time, many minds about work, future projects, what to do, where to live, how to live.
                                                                                                                                                                          Got bored with these minds so just tried to relax and enjoy the session.
                                                                                                                                                                          Some swaying forwards and backwards.
                                                                                                                                                                          After session, had fruit for lunch. Found a small scorpion hiding in some of the fruit. After showing it to a colleague, tried to shake it off outside, but it just crawled further inside. I threw the fruit over the fence as I was afraid.
                                                                                                                                                                          Have noticed that I can't seem to stop scratching my head these past few days/weeks. It's not that it's particularly itchy, but I find my hands reaching up and having a good itch more often than not. I hope that this will pass, as it's not the most attractive of habits!
                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 20 august 2014, 06:36 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                            Yesterday was a good day. Felt pretty tired after work.
                                                                                                                                                                            Had some fruit for dinner, and cake. Spent some time on household duties.
                                                                                                                                                                            Wonderful connection with partner — relationship feels beautiful, though sometimes there are still occasional moments of strange/strained emotions.
                                                                                                                                                                            I feel that as I «let myself go» how my body opens up to his, and we connect on an energetic as well as physical level. I am able to relax and trust him more, not be held back by negative thoughts about body, or conversations from the past. I feel my inner sexuality is opening up, and I am more confident to ask for/do what I want.
                                                                                                                                                                            Forgot to do a standing session, but ran Baibak once in bed lying down. Think I fell asleep while in the session.
                                                                                                                                                                            Slept well last night.
                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 20 august 2014, 06:40 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                              Wednesday:
                                                                                                                                                                              Awoke quite sleepy. Rain was hard outside, and it was pretty cold. Right ear was completely blocked, felt full of water. Some leakage evident on my pillow.
                                                                                                                                                                              Stayed in bed for some time until boyfriend awoke. Spent wonderful time together — conscious of pressures of time (work later) but not to the point of worrying — everything flowed at the right level and it was amazing to wake up in this way with the one I love.
                                                                                                                                                                              Once up and about, my ear started to clear, though still feels quite blocked and light pressure inside. Pain is rare.
                                                                                                                                                                              Continuing to use cotton with coconut and cove oil inside the ear to relieve some of the pressure, and protect from loud noise. Did not take any more tablets yesterday or today.
                                                                                                                                                                              Lunchtime session — again feeling a lot of strength in lower body (legs, hips etc.), standing pretty stable for the entire time, with only a few tilts forwards towards the end of the session. My heels were quite painful though, right from the start. I shifted my weight occasionally to try and compensate for this.
                                                                                                                                                                              Mind was all over the place sometimes — thoughts of work, of future travel plans, what to do etc. I guess I've «got a lot on my mind» at the moment.
                                                                                                                                                                              Once again relishing the fact that I get to spend twenty minutes at work by myself, in silence (well with the music anyway) feeling energy working through my body.
                                                                                                                                                                              My ear still feels quite blocked though. I've had offers of seeing a doctor, getting ear drops etc., and it's tempting I'll admit, but I really don't want to. I'd rather continue using the system, and natural remedies (oil). If it's not better after a few days, I'll consider something stronger.
                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 21 august 2014, 05:29 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                Evening session last night before bed — lots of swaying and tilting of body forwards and backwards, some arm movements.
                                                                                                                                                                                Had the sensation of something being pulled from my ear — I can describe it like when a clown pulls a line of coloured hankerchiefs.
                                                                                                                                                                                After the session, however, my ear still felt particularly blocked and stuffy.
                                                                                                                                                                                More open communication with boyfriend, but I'm also finding it hard to switch off my ego, and my attachment for him, when we talk.
                                                                                                                                                                                I thought I had dealt with my insecurities about our relationship before, but they are coming to the surface more and more. I'm worried whether he wants me in his future or not. Writing this I am starting to cry, as I know that it does not matter either way. I want to be with him. I just hope that my paranoia does not interfere with our time together. I'm scared of being alone (writing this at work = not a good idea, crying at my desk will not go unnoticed), and not because I don't enjoy my own company (I enjoy spending time alone), but because I can't imagine a life without him, and I guess I feel like this puts too much pressure on him, pushing us further apart.

                                                                                                                                                                                Session this morning (Thursday) was full of minds about scenarios past and present. I often find myself imagining conversations that didn't happen, or probably will not happen, but I entertain the possibilities. They usually have some negative tone to them. Some swaying of body forward, and arm movements floating up and down, then small circles at my side.
                                                                                                                                                                                My ear was very blocked this morning, and I cleaned it using cotton. There was a lot of wax/liquid. After the session, it was much the same. There is little to no pain now, but it's quite uncomfortable and I can't hear so well. Might go and look for some stronger drops later, as I'm starting to get tired of it.
                                                                                                                                                                                Stiffness and pain in left shoulder.
                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 21 august 2014, 10:10 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                  Lunchtime session:
                                                                                                                                                                                  More minds about relationship. Realised that I have strong fear of being left somewhere, alone. But that if I will continue to think about this fear, this idea, then it will happen now. If I allow my fear to control me now, then it's likely I'll be left alone, because who wants to be with someone that's always afraid of the future? Instead, I need to be more present. I need to accept that things may happen in the future which, right now, seem devastating, but thinking about them will not change that. It will only dampen my spirits at this moment, so why do it? Better to enjoy the time I have now and trust that this world cares about me.
                                                                                                                                                                                  Cried a lot during the session as some of these things came up, which was hard. Also, pain in my ear came very strong for some time. Swayed forwards and backwards sometimes, though mostly my body and arms were quite still.
                                                                                                                                                                                  Worries about how I will support myself in the near future, after my job finishes. What will I do? How will I make money to buy food/accommodation?
                                                                                                                                                                                  Dull ache in head growing through the morning, probably dehydration. Was better after session.
                                                                                                                                                                                  Music finished and went to have fruit for lunch.
                                                                                                                                                                                  Can't seem to shift this melancholy feeling though. Feel like someone's told me sad news, and then said I can't be sad about it. Actually I really want to go and cry somewhere, to let this sadness out, but I have to work for another 4 hours, so it's not really a possibility.
                                                                                                                                                                                  People at work aggravating me a lot today — sometimes I just want to scream at them. And then I want to cry. Feel like I have a lot of emotions today.
                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 23 august 2014, 09:46 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                    Haven't written for over a day.
                                                                                                                                                                                    Thursday evening session was fine, also ran sessions sitting down and lying in bed before sleep. Condition of ear worsening through the day.

                                                                                                                                                                                    Friday morning: woke up and ear was blocked, painful, a lot of pressure. Felt that infection has spread into cheek and neck. Had important day at work otherwise would have stayed home.
                                                                                                                                                                                    Took painkilles during the day in order to cope (one at lunch, one in the evening, and one before bed). Was unable to run Baibak during the day, though held usual morning (standing) session. After work, ran Baibak several times sitting on the sofa, and lying down in bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                    Pain in ear was unbearable at times, hence use of painkillers, which made me very drowsy and quite stupid — kept spilling water, dropping things, misjudging distances etc.
                                                                                                                                                                                    Awoke during the night a few times in pain. The worst was at 4am. Got out of bed after tossing and turning for some time, running Baibak and trying to relax. Took anoter painkiller, ran Baibak sitting. Started to feel sick so went to bed and started another session lying down. Pain fade and went back to sleep.

                                                                                                                                                                                    Saturday:
                                                                                                                                                                                    Woke up with pain, swelling in ear, a lot of leakage during the night deposited around my ear. Had a shower and cleaned a little with cotton.
                                                                                                                                                                                    Ran Baibaks several times while sitting down.
                                                                                                                                                                                    Ended up going out to get some food and have bought some different painkillers (actually anti-inflammatories to reduce selling) and eardrops. Have asked question on site about what to do, but the pain is so strong that I've resorted to using both already. Feeling a bit defeated by the whole thing.
                                                                                                                                                                                    Also, started my period yesterday (very light spotting), with painful stomach cramps today, and a general feeling of weakness.
                                                                                                                                                                                    Have started next chakra painting (visuddha) — no surprise that it's the chakra responsible for ears/throat!
                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 24 august 2014, 12:21 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                      Baibak sessions in the evening full of energy sensations and strong pain in ear. I found that whether standing, sitting, or lying down, my ear would throb with pain from the moment I uttered the keyphrase in my head, and would then come and go as the sessions went on.
                                                                                                                                                                                      More minds about future. Accepting the reality of certain situations as they are.
                                                                                                                                                                                      Still using painkillers and drops to manage pain in ear when not running sessions.
                                                                                                                                                                                      Stayed up particularly late with boyfriend — relationship feels both strong, and not so strong in some moments. Moments of «connection» are increasing, and communication is better day by day.

                                                                                                                                                                                      Sunday morning:
                                                                                                                                                                                      Ran Baibak as soon as I awoke as pain in ear was strong.
                                                                                                                                                                                      Had small breakfast. Pain continued to grow through the morning. Several Baibak sessions run while lying in bed and sitting on sofa. Also ran one standing session, in which arm movements qnd energy sensations were strong. Body swayed and danced, but many movements caused just more pain. Towards the end of the session, was crying out sometimes as sharp stabbing came inside my head — feels like something is boring its way into my skull.
                                                                                                                                                                                      After session, lay down on sofa and ran another one. Fell asleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 25 august 2014, 04:21 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                        Ran more sessions through the day while sitting.
                                                                                                                                                                                        Very difficult conversations with partner in the evening.
                                                                                                                                                                                        A lot of sadness, fears, guilt, struggling to accept the reality as it is. Glad to know the truth, and have the explanation for some things that were playing on my mind for some time, but feeling a lot of sadness at hearing it. Started feeling sick while talking, and ended up vomiting.
                                                                                                                                                                                        Ran standing session before bed — pressure and magnetic forces around arms was very intense. Heat and pressure felt in spine and lower back (first time I've felt this), and also sometimes on front of body in lower abdomen. More arm movements than recently too — stopping in front of 1st/2nd chakras. Body swaying so much at some points I almost fell backwards/forwards. Minds about previous conversation came sometimes — intense pain in ear and body thrown quickly forwards. Cried sometimes.
                                                                                                                                                                                        Continued to talk after session. Things are clearer. Strong fears about future. Finding it hard to let go and enjoy the present moment without thinking of future situations.
                                                                                                                                                                                        Still using eardrops and painkillers as ear does not seem to be improved.
                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 26 august 2014, 19:51 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                          Tuesday...past few days have been a bit of a blur I guess. Difficult to write everything now as it's the end of a long day. So many processes and changes have come yesterday and today, and I am truly grateful to Baibak for bringing me to this stage.
                                                                                                                                                                                          It feels like a lot of negative emotions, experiences, blocks, fears, misunderstandings, mistakes have been cleared, or are at least finally being cleared.
                                                                                                                                                                                          My ear is now almost completely better. I struggled with symptoms until now, but so much has been said and resolved that it has had such a huge impact on how I feel now.
                                                                                                                                                                                          I have run Baibak numerous times during this period, and it has made all the difference.
                                                                                                                                                                                          Now, I am excited for my future, and for now. I feel a vibrance that had started to disappear some time ago. I feel myself more powerful, more alive, and it's amazing.
                                                                                                                                                                                          Perhaps I will write more detail on this, but for now I just want to sleep!
                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 27 august 2014, 07:12 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                            Wednesday:
                                                                                                                                                                                            Woke up after a really good sleep, lots of dreaming.
                                                                                                                                                                                            Ear feeling quite blocked but this is usual for the morning time. Has started to clear up through the day though at work it is proving uncomfortable. I actually took both yesterday and Monday off work, due to the pain and also because my boyfriend was leaving yesterday and I wanted to spend time with him. So strong issues were brought up during this period, and it was emotionally and physically very difficult and draining to deal with them, but the lightness I felt afterwards is a sure sign that it was all worth it. We parted ways full ofpositivity and excitement for the future, and though I feel sadness that I am not with him now (ok I'm at work, but he will not be there when I get home later), I will not break down into a self-pity state of depression about it all.
                                                                                                                                                                                            Didn't have much time in the morning before work, but ran full standing session. Very strong pressure around hands and forearms.Many minds coming and going, I was not so involved in them which was strange, rather just watched them float by and recognise that I have many tasks to achieve over the next few weeks — I will be busy! Had a bit of a wave of sadness after writing this. I guess I'm blocking out the reality of my current situation, because I'm so busy with work, but I'm not sure how I'll fare when left completely alone. I have to clear our house this week, and I'm not exactly looking forward to it, but neither am I worried about it. I think the cleaning process will help in this transitional period.
                                                                                                                                                                                            Have not eaten so much the last few days, mostly because it was too painful, but also my appetite is still decreasing. I don't actually feel hungry that much any more.
                                                                                                                                                                                            Also, the regular tension and pain I used to get in my shoulders and neck is barely noticeable. Actually, I gave away a back massager I had bought, because I realised at the weekend that I no longer used it!
                                                                                                                                                                                            Waves of sadness, and also feeling sick, coming and going through the day. One such wave came very strong after eating lunch (minimal fruit and juice, really not feeling hungry at all today), and writing post, so immediately went and did a Baibak session at work. Very strong pressure in hands, somepain in right hand and elbow. Cried as I started to think about clearing possessions from house, missing boyfriend, feeling of being lost by myself. But fully understand that everything that is happening now is for the best, and is a direct result of past actions (and inactions). Eventually calmed down and session ran smoothly.
                                                                                                                                                                                            Afterwards, walking back to office, memories of my own words coming to soothe my mind. I can choose to wallow in low states, or I can enjoy the processes going on right now as part of my journey.
                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 28 august 2014, 06:37 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                              Wow — yesterday was a kind of crazy amazing day.
                                                                                                                                                                                              I can say that I had an extremely productive day — cleared many things from the house, sold one large item that had worried me before, chose a new place to live. Also had a ridiculous mishap at work and managed to delete (save over) 3 hours of work, but laughed it off.
                                                                                                                                                                                              After finishing a few businesses, I came home and started the process of clearing the house. There was a strong temptation to sit down, check emails, facebook, etc., but I pushed myself to do the things that really needed to be done. I saw many of my fears rise to the surface — realising that they hide behind other people, and only really come out to be dealt with when I am completely alone. I started to feel afraid of the dark outside the house, I wanted to shut all the windows and doors, and even considered making the decision to "face my fears" on another day. Then I realised that if I will put them off, I will never overcome. So I opened them all, and the doors, and got on with the job. I really cleared so much, and felt myself getting lighter and lighter as I did so. So many realisations during this time that I cannot write them all down, and they keep coming.
                                                                                                                                                                                              After some time, I started to get some strong pressure and pain in my head. I realised I was not drinking enough water. I started to feel that it was enough for today (cleaning), so the progress slowed down, and I took a break.
                                                                                                                                                                                              Spoke to my boyfriend online — very strange feelings, but felt so good to see him happy and to feel happy in myself too. Pain in head was growing stronger after some time, and it was getting quite late in a very long day, so eventually said goodbye and went to run session and go to bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                              Baibak session standing: Very strange! Strong energy sensations in arms and hands, spinning circles. Also many realisations and visions. When I first closed my eyes, I had the impression of a show-reel of film flashing past, perhaps memories of happenings inside the house, but it was so fast I couldn't see anything specific. At one point, I really felt that there was a presence of somebody else in the room, walking around me and looking at me, and had temptation to open my eyes. I saw a large black hooded figure coming to attack me. At first, I wondered whether I should be afraid. Instead, I screamed at it (in my head) "Come on then, attack me!", again and again, and the figure shied away, retreated back from me. Then it changed to a large black bird, and the process repeated itself. Finally, one large spider, and hundreds of small spiders came towards me. I stood as I felt them crawl all over my body, but did not react. The vision faded, and I did not see anything like this again.
                                                                                                                                                                                              The music cut out a few minutes before the end of the session, as my phone battery finished. I continued to stand and await the feeling of the session being finished. Had some very strong realisations about things I had blocked myself from doing. Tasks that really are quite simple, anad have great potential for my future, but I held back from fear, laziness etc. I felt that the session was coming to an end, and for whatever reason said out loud "big thanks" in Russian (!), and then laughed out loud as I realised what I had said, and that the session was really finished.
                                                                                                                                                                                              Continued to clean a little bit after, to make the house tidy. When I finally went to bed, I couldn't sleep for a long time. The pain and stuffiness in my head was pretty strong. I ran Baibak once I lay down, and the waves of energy that moved up and down my body were very intense. Eventually they calmed down, but I stayed motionless in a strange state of consciousness — not asleep, but also not awake. I drifted in and out of consciousness for a few hours, getting out of bed to use the toilet, have some dried fruit and water, and then try and sleep again. Eventually I fell into a deep sleep, full of vivid dreams that I can relate closely to current situations and experiences.
                                                                                                                                                                                              The work that Baibak is doing with me is really quite astonishing, but then that's what I expected from it, and it's not even been 2 months yet!
                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 28 august 2014, 10:05 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                Thursday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                Morning session went very smoothly, as did morning activities.
                                                                                                                                                                                                Have been yawning constantly through the day, and I feel on one hand that I am very tired, yet somehow have energy to continue through the day. Also yawning throughout sessions too — feel that it's helping my head to clear, as there is still some stuffiness and pressure inside, focused around my ears.
                                                                                                                                                                                                Appetite is still minimal. Had no breakfast, and for lunch a small amount of fruit and felt full very quickly. Drinking more water. Feeling quite fresh.
                                                                                                                                                                                                Lunchtime session was also good. More minds about recent realisations. Seeing how I have chosen/moved into a more masculine role (working full time etc.) whilst still trying to keep my femininity and being expected to look after the household. I had got to the stage where I barely had time and energy to look after myself, let alone give energy to anyone else. And I think this is reflected in some of the health issued I'd been having — PCOS is an imbalance in hormones, with too few female and too many male hormones — no surprise then!
                                                                                                                                                                                                Loving the processes that are coming. Feel that during sessions, work is being done mainly on the emotional/energetic level now, though physical changes are still coming, just more subtly.
                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 29 august 2014, 06:43 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                  Yesterday evening was good — more clearing of the house, general admin processes going quite smoothly. Feeling quite relaxed about everything, though finding that others are expressing fear about my situation. It's nice that people are concerned for my well being, but it sometimes takes a lot to stay relaxed when others are so worried.
                                                                                                                                                                                                  Standing session before bed was intense — very strong pressure felt in arms and hands from the moment I closed my eyes. Finding sometimes that the session starts before I even utter Baibak start. Seeing that some issues are still being worked on — trust, acceptance of myself, confidence/fear. Again feeling that work is being done on a more emotional and energetic level for now, less on the body directly.
                                                                                                                                                                                                  Session finished and I felt very wide awake. Continued to clear the house a little bit, before moving to bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                  Started a session lying down, and the waves of energy were again intense. Stayed awake for the whole session, and felt when it finished. Managed to fall asleep after some time, and had very vivid dreams that I now cannot remember. I realise that I don't seem to require as much sleep right now, as I would usually be in bed much earlier, and be very tired. I'm still yawning throughout the day (and sessions), but physically I have enough energy to do all my daily tasks and not feel exhausted at the end of the day.

                                                                                                                                                                                                  Friday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                  Morning session ran smoothly. Lots of minds about work projects again, and things to do with the house. I'm finding that many solutions to potential challenges are coming during the sessions, though I am trying not to get caught up in daydreaming too much once they become apparent.
                                                                                                                                                                                                  Appetite still low — paying extra attention to vitamin intake to try to compensate for lack of food, as I'm really not eating very much at all. No breakfast usually, small lunch, and maybe no dinner or just a snack. Body feels good though, and I welcome the shedding of extra weight I had been carrying these past few weeks/months.
                                                                                                                                                                                                  No lunchtime session today as had commitments at work. The day has gone remarkably smoothly though, even normally challenging times at work were smooth and hassle free. Everything's moving forward, and I can say that I feel a kind of positive bubble forming around me, pushing me onward in my tasks, development etc.
                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 30 august 2014, 20:13 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                    Feeling exhausted after a busy day. Baibak session in the morning was very good indeed — felt like strong work was being done but on a more subtle level. Many businesses have been going remarkably smoothly. Feeling quite organised.
                                                                                                                                                                                                    Went to bed very late last night. Had vey good conversation with boyfriend — finding it much easier to be open with him. He is also reciprocating, and it feels like a wonderful exchange. I hope this effect will continue and grow.
                                                                                                                                                                                                    Moving house day tomorrow — lots of last minute things to get done around the house, but feeling really positive about everything right now!
                                                                                                                                                                                                    Managed to eat some more food today, but really not feeling hungry still. Noticed that I keep thinking of particular foods (today was Indian) that I usually always want, and planning to have them, but later realising that actually I don't want anything at all.
                                                                                                                                                                                                    Ok time for sleep after Baibak!
                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 01 september 2014, 19:27 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                      Monday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                      Session this morning was «lacking» anything tangible — some bodily movements, but subtle. Mind was fairly quiet. Had a good day, finished all moving house details (handed back keys etc., moved final bits and pieces to new house). Good developments at work too.
                                                                                                                                                                                                      Feeling like I've not stopped to take any time for myself though — I've been busy every day for 2 weeks now, and realise that in the past few days my Baibak practice has slipped somewhat. Haven't managed lunchtime sessions, and evening sessions were done lying down in bed as I was so tired from the day. Today however did a standing session both morning and evening.
                                                                                                                                                                                                      Evening sessions was «stronger», with subtle arm movements, body swaying, and feeling heat in my right ear (which is still a little blocked, but vastly improved). Also distracted by mosquitos, if which there are many (in new house).
                                                                                                                                                                                                      Last night, was woken up a lot by being bitten, and had the feeling of insects crawling on me a number of times. Didn't sleep well at all, though woke up this morning earlier than usual and managed to get through the day with energy to spare. However, I get the feeling that all my businesses these past weeks are just keeping me distracted, and there is some deep work to be done very soon. Hopefully this weekend I can have more of a rest, as well as some evenings this week.
                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 02 september 2014, 17:30 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                        Tuesday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                        Difficult day. Morning session was good — arms lifted up at the start, then small movements for the remainder of the session. Not so much movement in body. Felt like work was being done on a deeper psychological level, though no real evidence of this (during session).
                                                                                                                                                                                                        Journey to work in a massive thunderstorm, plus finding the roof in new house leaks, felt pretty miserable.
                                                                                                                                                                                                        Day at work was largely uneventful, but by the end of it found myself snapping at a colleague who has, in my opinion, played the «I'm new» card for far too long, and whose laziness I can no longer ignore. Felt pretty rubbish after a brief confrontation.
                                                                                                                                                                                                        Journey home = more rain, and arriving home to a pool of water on the floor (in more than one place). Also gecko poo on my bed, twice.
                                                                                                                                                                                                        I know that nothing disasterous has happened, but today just feels like a load of shit that has been building up is now releasing itself. Everything was so smooth and easy with moving house etc., that now it's time to even the scales.
                                                                                                                                                                                                        Feeling pretty alone, which of course I know that I am, but feeling lonely more than anything else. Don't want to eat, don't want to see friends, have locked myself away in the house.
                                                                                                                                                                                                        Did standing session, which helped, but broke down in tears shortly afterwards, and also during the session which was otherwise uneventful — some swaying of body and subtle arm movements. Running Baibak sitting down too, when I remember. I guess some pretty deep stuff is coming up, especially now I have a little time to myself.
                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 04 september 2014, 05:28 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Wednesday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Interesting polarity of sessions.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Morning session there was hardly any movement at all. Most of the time I just stood there, mindless and motionless, with only occasional swaying forwards and backwards. I still felt energy in my arms and hands, but it was very subtle.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Had a very good day at work. I have a challenging few weeks ahead of me, but the date is set for my last day on the job, and I have booked an onward ticket to another country, so I'm feeling pretty optimistic about the future in general, though existing fears/doubts are still lurking beneath the surface.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          I definitely feel/acknowledge that I've been hiding somewhat from the processes. Baibak has been doing some very powerful work, yet recently I've shied away from doing full practice — skipping my regular lunchtime sessions, and barely doing evening sessions opting to lie down and start a session with the intention of going to sleep during it.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          During the evening, I was very tired, and started to feel quite «down», a kind of melancholy. So, yesterday, I ran a full standing session before bed, and what a difference from the morning session. The movements were pretty intense. To start, my arms raised up and started making circles as in previous sessions. Then came the body movements. Swaying, twisting, dancing, learning forward and backward, spinning my arms around me. At one point the movements were so strong that I almost fell over — I took one step back and my arms were thrown up (a la Neo from the Matrix!). I somehow regained my balance, and the movements continued for pretty much the entire session. My neck and back had been particularly stiff and painful before starting, after a long day in front of the laptop, so I feel that the movements made a lot of difference to this, freeing up tension and stagnant energy from the day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          After, I felt pretty tired (I'd felt very tired before starting!) so went to bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Had a good night's sleep with some interesting dreams in the morning — some kind of disaster scenario (war, or some alien invasion, I'm not actually sure now).

                                                                                                                                                                                                          Thursday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                          Morning session was more quite than the previous night's. Some gentle swaying of body and arm movements. Occasionally I moved quite a bit, stretching my arms above my head, rotating my head to stretch out my neck, but generally these were movements I chose to make rather than being led by an energetic pull.
                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 04 september 2014, 18:02 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                            The day was very good. Better levels of energy, though I resorted to a coffee (for the first time in ages) after lunch to stave off the sleepiness that came after eating. Got many things done at work. No lunchtime session though, so many tasks coming up throughout the day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 06 september 2014, 22:21 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Friday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Good morning session. Much quieter than previous ones, gentle arm movements and subtle swaying.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Had very good day at work, productive and enjoyable though very busy.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Spent nice evening with friends.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Ran evening session very late.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Noticed skin has become quite bad, and it's now coming to the end of my period. It started some time ago, and has been up and down for the past 2 weeks now. Hoping it will finish soon! No real discomfort though, apart from skin, and still significant hair growth.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Also, have been bitten many times by mosquitos over the last few days, and they've been highly itchy, being aggravated when I walk or wear clothing that brushes against them (legs, hips, feet, arms, back, and I think my forehead too).

                                                                                                                                                                                                              Saturday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Also a busy day, but highly enjoyable.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Felt wonderful to speak with boyfriend in the morning, as the previous night internet had been a bit shit and so a lot of disconnections and delay in speech/video, which was frustrating and seemed to leave us both a little tired. Anyway, felt very fresh, and after speaking did full standing session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Very strong movements again, lots of dancing, twisting of body and moving arms, though feet stayed very firmly flat on the floor. I was surprised that I didn't fall over!
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Cleaned the house, and put things in better places (hadn't unpacked a lot of things in new place still).
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Had brunch (milk tea) with friends, though wasn't too hungry. I'd stocked up on vitamins and chyawanprash a few days ago, so I'd been indulging in them to make sure I'm at least getting some goodness while my appetite is still low.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Went shopping, and bought many new items. Felt really good about all purchases. Bartered with ease, got good prices (that I was happy and able to pay), and came away with some beautiful items. My wardrobe had been getting a bit tired, and I'd come to the conclusion that while wearing second hand clothes is thrifty, it is not necessary, and I can donate such items to those who need them. So, feeling a little bit more like the butterfly that I want to be :)
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Heavy dinner as was very hungry by the time I got home, which was quite late in the evening.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Spoke again with boyfriend in the evening. Feeling more relaxed when I speak with him, not so much pressure to please I guess, though this habit is still evident at times.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              A few sessions run through the day while sitting down.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Another full standing session run late in the evening before bed (actually after midnight). Strong and fast body swaying and twisting, again without losing balance. Sometimes the movements are so fast that they make me feel a little dizzy.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Feeling quite wide away now, and it's already 1am. Feeling very good, positive. Will run Baibak while lying down, and hopefully fall to sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Noticed recently a lot of work has been done with the knees, ankles, neck and hips. Body feeling very strong, occasional pain in knees and back when sitting for long periods, usually hunched over deep in concentration. But overall physical condition feeling better.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              Also, ears still stuffy. Sometimes more clear, and sometimes very blocked. I keep cleaning my right ear in particular, sometimes retrieving soft/hard wax, other times nothing. I know that Baibak will finish the purification process, but I still have a desire to use an ear candle to assist in the cleaning process, to soften remaining wax so that I can clean it more easily. Cannot find in the city though. Ask Baibak for help to clear more fast.
                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 07 september 2014, 22:00 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Sunday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Awoke early this morning, only 4 hours of sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Did standing session — very strong movement of body — twisting, turning, dancing.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Went out for breakfast. Had delicious omelette, french toast, tea, coffee, and ice-cream, over the course of a few hours whilst doing some online work.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Cam back home, ran another session. Again very strong movements — so much physical work being done, body is feeling good, and I am feeling pretty fantastic.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Mood has been elevated throughout the day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Watched a movie with friends — Malefacent. Interesting storyline, and somehow, during nighttime session, saw some similarities with my life, and some realisations regarding influence on my dreams/desires. Probably sounds quite cryptic, but I don't feel the need to go into any more detail at this stage.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Ran an additional Baibak session sitting at my desk, whilst doing some admin work.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Nice evening. Went to city with a friend to walk around a night market. Bought a few more bits, in particular a new wallet to replace my tattered (and completely broken) old one — not sending a good message to my brain about money I'm sure. As I said before, I'm all for being thrifty, but I also don't want to «compromise» my self esteem/image.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Late nighttime session — again strong twists and turns of the body, and then sometimes more subtle. Strange visions of some hags reaching towards me, or past me I'm not sure.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                Ok very tired mow will go to sleep as work in the morning!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 08 september 2014, 11:20 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Monday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  So, didn't end up going to work today. Felt extremely tired in the morning, and hungover! I did drink a small amount of beer yesterday, but more than that I smoked with friends too. The weekend was wonderful, and I felt more alive and powerful than I have in a long time, but at times I also felt fatigued and lazy, mainly after smoking of course! I am now in a quandry as to how I feel about it all. Of course, I do not want to smoke all the time, as a habit. The same as I don't want to drink alcohol every day (been there, done that, got the t-shirt, and the fear of being a long-term alcoholic!). But is it ok to do now and again? To share some space with friends, the same as having the same meal with them? I don't know.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Anyway, opted to take the day to rest, run extra sessions, and catch up on some work that I missed after a busy weekend.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  After waking up, sending a message to my boss, and going back to sleep for a few more hours, I got up, showered, and ran a standing session. Some more gently bodily movements this time, not so fast or «violent» swaying. After, felt refreshed and ready for a good day ahead.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Was hungry, so drove to the market and got some food and tea, only to return home and realise I was no longer hungry. Ate the noodles I bought anyway, as they were still hot and fresh.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Did some work on laptop. Started to get pain in head (have had for a few days now, though forgot to mention as it's very sharp but finishes quickly, and concentrated in a very small area of my head (previously where I suffered the same but more intense and regular, a few years ago). Realised was probably dehydrated after noodles and tea, so drank some water and ran another standing session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  This session involved stronger movements than the morning's. Swaying was still relaxed and gentle, just larger movements. Really enjoying the way Baibak is freeing up my back, neck, legs, arms. At times, I feel that the energies in Baibak are pulling me around, and other times I just feel the natural urge to move in a kind of exercise.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Now feeling more energised, and have done some productive work. It's also a beautiful day outside. The sun has been shining these past few days, a welcome break from the rainy season currently upon us. Hoping to get out of the house again after some time, to spend some time in the sun and nature. Forgot that yesterday, before shopping, visited a stunning lake close to my house. Posed for some photos for a friend — some look really good, which for me is not so common (as with many people, I'm not so confident in front of a camera, or at least not when I'm not full of alcohol at a party!).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Wishing I didn't have to work these last few weeks in Thailand, but I know that I can make them enjoyable if I just relax and let Baibak do its work to me, and subsequently the world around me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Feeling tired still, but pretty awesome!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 08 september 2014, 20:01 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Decidded to visit hot springs in the afternoon, mainly as I wantd to go for a drive in the sun, which felt wonderful on my skin. Hot springs was good too, though boring. Ended up running Baibak once while sitting in the «pool», and then just listening to the music track once after too.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Watched a movie in the evening with dinner — freshly barbequed fish which was delicious but way too much for me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Came across a pretty big spider in my bathroom. Went to get a bucket to place over him (with the intention of catching and setting him outside the house), but when I returned he'd disappeared. I was not as afraid as I would have expected (used to be an extreme arachnophobic, to the point of using hypnotherapy a few years back which worked well for a time, but gradually the fear returned). Anyway, after looking for some time I gave up, realising that there are many holes in the bathroom through which he might escape/come back, so easier to leave him be.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Ran another session before bed. Initially very strong energy felt in arms and hands, and some subtle movements, gradually building to stronger swaying and dancing. Many minds about businesses over the next few weeks, at work and also things I need to do for onward travel at the end of this month.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    After, feeling pretty fresh but ready to go to sleep so that I can go to work tomorrow.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 09 september 2014, 12:29 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Tuesday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Morning session was good. Woke up feeling quite sleepy, but after session was ready to go! Some gentle swaying and arm rotations.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Good day at work. Feeling sleepy but the day has been pretty easy.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Remembered dreams from the previous night — reflections of paranoia about infidelity by partner, a reflection of self-esteem issues I guess. In waking life, these fears are not really evident, but I guess they're still lurking under the surface.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Noticed that I'm becoming more assertive — being able to say no to people (albeit a bit bluntly sometimes!), thinking and acting for myself instead of constantly trying to please everyone. I don't like everyone, and I don't have to pretend that I do!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 09 september 2014, 20:24 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Overall good day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Nighttime driving home in the dark, thoughts about a suspected past event resurfaced, bringing a wave of paranoia, sadness, and thoughts about the consequences. Cried whilst driving, but found that it felt forced at times — I couldn't cry the tears I wanted.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Got home feeling overwhelmed with confusion about how to handle it all.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Ran Baibak session. Arms were glued firmly at my sides, though not touching my body. Felt a strong pressure holding them there. Subtle swaying of the body, turning left and right. At one point, right arm lifted up slowly, then came back down, otherwise my arms were motionless throughout. Again more thoughts of the same came. Visualising the situation from my imagination, running through various scenarios though all had a common theme.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Just a session finished, burst into tears.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Now, feeling quite sick, like a heavy weight inside my stomach. What to do?!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Sleep I guess!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 10 september 2014, 07:38 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Awoke before alarm feeling very sleepy. Prepared for the day, shower etc.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          No session in the morning, as had an important conversation with boyfriend, ending up being late for work too.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Voiced my concerns for our future more strongly, and my opinions on certain matters. Glad to have been more firm in my beliefs. I was so afraid before that if I stood up for myself, I would push him away, but I realise that if I don't stand up for myself, I am allowing a relationship to progress down a track that will ultimately end in misery. I'm tired of being expected to accept blatant double standards — what's ok for me is not ok for you (because you are a woman). I know that this kind of sexism is rife in today's society, but I didn't expect it from the one I love. Saddened to realise it. Still unsure whether this issue has really been resolved, but feel much better for having been more open about how I feel. Being apart is proving to be difficult at times, and easy at others (when I'm busy), but the progress in areas such as communication is clearly evident, and I am grateful for this period of adjustment and reassessment.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Got to work very late, and looking pretty shit due to crying a lot this morning, but now the day is coming along nicely.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Indulging in a cup of (very strong) coffee, as I have a lot of work to get through and could do with the caffeine boost!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Hoping to do a session at lunchtime to make up for this morning.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 11 september 2014, 08:09 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Thursday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Well, I think it's safe to say that I'm feeling pretty shit at the moment.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Yesterday, after coffee (which I hadn't had for quite a long time), felt very nauseous. Just wanted to throw up, but had not really had any food to do this! Thought about running Baibak, but also felt that I might go crazy during the session as there was so much caffeine whizzing around my system. Opted to eat a heavy meal instead (noodles), to ground the crazy energy. This plan worked on the physical level, but for the rest of the afternoon I felt exhausted. Got angry with colleagues. Felt overwhelmed by their mindless chatter about complete and utter bullshit (in my opinion of course). At one point, remember putting my hands over my ears to block them out, as I've lost my headphones(!). Once I left work, felt much better, relaxed, and was able to do some good work.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Got home late. Managed only one full standing session (before bed), and a few sitting sessions whilst working.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Standing session was good. Felt strong energy in my arms, though they remained almost motionless at my side, only occasionally making any movements. My body also remained pretty still, with just a few sways forwards and backwards, and times when I stretched my arms up over my head.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Felt pain inside my ear/throat/jaw (actually, it was a very specific point inbetween, and connected to, all these parts. Even more difficult conversation in the evening with boyfriend. Bad energy. Felt like I was falling down a well. After finally ending the conversation, with a slightly elevated mood, prepared for bed, but felt physically sick, and an emptiness inside about the whole situation.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            So much I already wrote for this post, and then deleted it. Ridiculous. I can't speak my mind for fear of feeling/being made to feel guilty.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Being at work sucks. Big time. I have just 2 weeks left now, but even that feels like too long. Being apart from the one I love is just driving me crazy.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Session this morning was fine — again not so much movement, arms stayed at my side most of the time, just some gentle swaying and twisting. Minds about recent conversations.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Confused about how to feel — self-righteous? or guilty? Right or wrong? The only person I really want to be with, and I can't right now. I feel ugly, rejected, yet also not so.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Lunchtime session at work — subtle energy, movement of arms floating up, and perception of energy ball around my body. Saw some colours flash past my eyes. Body swayed repeatedly forward and then upright, forward then upright. Felt external pressure across my chest.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Afterwards, felt a warm energy in and around my right ear, which is still not completely clear. I can now hear normally (I think!), but still have occasional sharp pain, and when I swallow/move, I can hear and feel that there is still something inside blocking it.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Also, my period is still going, and it's been well over 2 weeks now. It seems to be drawing to the end though, so hoping today will be the last day. Hair growth has also, if anything, increased. I continue to make attempts to hide/remove it, as it's really knocking my confidence.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Now, feel quite sleepy after a heavy lunch (pumpkin, egg and rice). Still a lot of work to do today, and in the coming weeks before I leave. I enjoy being busy, but I also would like more time to just relax and be with my thoughts. At least Baibak allows me the time to be alone, devoting my energy to myself.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 11 september 2014, 16:39 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Session run in the evening as mood was brought down. Barely any movement in the body at all. Energy/pressure felt in the arms. Mind was very busy — thinking of all kinds of different situations (future), felt like in an attempt to deal with the present. Time went by pretty quickly as a result of this. Had the noticeable feeling (and not for the first time, as I remember something similar this morning now) of being incredibly tall, like a giant, towering over something or someone. A feeling of being strong, steady. I cannot really describe it in full, as it was just a feeling, there was no visual image in these moments, just a perception of my body.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Now, after session, I just feel tired, both mentally and physically. Hungry, but do not really want to eat. Feeling of some black tar sitting inside my body, in the pit of my stomach, dragging me down. Somewhere inside me, a battle rages, but who is controlling each side? Me? I'm not sure.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 12 september 2014, 05:26 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Friday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Grateful that it's the end of the working week!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Felt really down yesterday night, even brief thoughts of suicide crept in (have not had these for some time, so they came as a bit of a surprise). Not «serious» thoughts, but thoughts nonetheless. Just feel so unsure of everything right now. I understand that the processes going on right now, in me and in others, need time to complete, but going through them is proving to be emotionally painful and energetically draining.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Woke up very sleepy/tired, and didn't give myself enough time to run a session before work. Lame excuse, because I could have made time had I really wanted.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                For the second day in a row, had strong cravings for a cigarette! I smoked for well over 10 years, but stopped about 2 years ago (continued to smoke weed, and occasionally tobacco roll ups, but never really had actual cravings for a cigarette). I think I may have caught the scent of one of my neighbours smoking in the morning, and that triggered the old behaviour pattern of smoking in the morning.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Either way, I resisted buying some this morning on my way to work, but I may well purchase some for later. I think they are a bit of a stress-relief mechanism for me, and perhaps that's why the cravings have come in the last few days.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                My period stopped yesterday, so that's great. It had been 3 weeks in total! My skin is still quite bad on my face though, not sure if that's a result of the increase in «junk food» I've been indulging in recently. Also, my scalp is getting itchy again, and dandruff is a bit of a persistent issue, though I'll admit that I'm not really taking the time to look after my body as well as I could. My «beauty» routine is getting shorter and shorter as I spend less time preparing for work in the morning etc. Hair is not looking/feeling as healthy as I would like.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Aah and I spoke too soon — period is not quite finished yet! Feeling very tired at work now, occasional pain in head, and also in ear (right). Pressure feeling around ear.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Decided to run a session, as felt so sleepy I couldn't concentrate on anything. In the room was crazy hot (it's about 38 degrees today). Tried air-con, didn't work. Found a fan, carried it into the room, but it too was broken. Realised there was no electricity, and thought to cancel my plan, but instead started the music and ran the session. Felt incredibly hot at times, and was sweating quite a bit of course, but it was manageable. Subtle swaying of body forwards and back to center, and almost imperceptible rotations of hands/arms. Mind was fairly quiet. Many noises around me, as I'd had to open the windows (though there was no breeze to carry in fresh air to the stuffy room).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Once finished, felt rejuvenated. Energy was improved, as was mood. Went out for lunch with work friends, talked some recent issues through with them. I've spent so long moaning about them (in my diary posts), and shutting myself away, that I forgot what it's like to get help. It was nice talking through some of my feelings with people who are not involved, even if their views are of course biased due to their relationship («loyalty») with me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Anyway, feeling more positive about the future, just not sure how I can make the present more bearable (apart from doing Baibak of course!).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 13 september 2014, 13:50 # +2
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Conducted a session whilst sitting yesterday evening, but no standing session before bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Spoke with partner when I got home, fairly late, and the process of clearing all the negativity that has been between us both accelerated. Open and honest discussion led to a much greater understanding of the true situation, the reasons for why we have come to this stage.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Still a few «kinks» that are working themselves out, but I accept that this is normal. In any relationship, both parties must grow, both as individuals and as a partnership. I am so grateful that we have come for this stage where we can share our worries, our beliefs, and move forward to find the right way for us both.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Ended up going to bed very late, after finishing a movie. Woke up a few times in the night, leaving me feeling very sleepy this morning.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Again spoke with partner, this time for quite a few hours. So much has become clear, for the both of us. I don't feel the need to go into too much detail, suffice to say that I feel a huge darkness has been lifted from us both. Future ideas and projects are presenting themselves effortlessly, and whilst there are still some uncertainties, we are now on the same page (or at least reading from the same book!)
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Now I feel that I am at an integration stage. Baibak, and my subconscious, have done a huge amount of work recently, clearing many blocks and stagnation. I will today have a rest from sessions, give myself a chance to breathe and to just be.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Life is good. The future looks bright, and the present is full of joy. That is all for now — I am almost at the point of 2 months (2 days to go), so more detail I will include in my review.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 14 september 2014, 18:17 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Sunday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Had all intentions of having a break from practice today, but ending up doing a number of sessions.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Felt nauseous at around midday today, quite suddenly, though I strongly suspect it was related to the small amount of beer I consumed the previous night. After having some water, and eventually forcing myself to vomit (advance apology for the detail, but there was not much that came up), I felt much better. Ran Baibak at the time.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Later, after a productive and enjoyable day, had a delicious but heavy meal, which is now sitting in my stomach feeling quite bloated.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Had been bleeding more again today, so my period has now been going for well over 3 weeks, though I'm not sure if today's symptoms are the result of a new ovulation. Either way, decided the best thing I can do is to get straight back into practice, so ran a full standing session. Arms floated up, and made slow waving motions up and down, as well as small rotations. Very subtle swaying of body for most of the session. Towards the end, started to move a bit more, dancing a little, and moving my head in motions to free up my neck, likewise with my back and torso. Felt some abdominal discomfort, realising it was totally due to the food earlier.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Now, quite tired and ready for an early night before it's back to work tomorrow.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 17 september 2014, 12:41 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      So, I've completed my 2 months of practice (and have written my review).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I will continue to keep a diary, as I have found it useful to document my processes, and understand them.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Yesterday, did 3 full sessions, and felt really good. Usual arm movements and some body swaying.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Went to diner with friends, and another dinner party afterward. Felt quite drunk! Though I had less than a sip of wine (to taste my friend's), only food, but somehow I came to a tipsy state without alcohol. Felt like I was soaking up the drunk energy around me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Woke up this morning feeling less than energised. Managed a sitting session whilst on a skype call before work.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Day at work was tiring to say the least. Didn't manage a lunchtime session as I would have liked, so many things to do now, and just 7 days left in my job.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Feeling pretty drained, and looking forward to going home and having a good night's sleep tonight. My period is still ongoing, starting to feel quite tired of it again. I've now been bleeding for about 4 weeks, with only one or two days off. Will continue with sessions as much as I can.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 18 september 2014, 13:54 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Thursday 18th:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Good sessions run yesterday, particularly nighttime before bed. Still finding that the sessions no longer make me sleepy, meaning I finish them and don't automatically have to crash out on the bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Morning session today was run sitting down. No lunchtime session due to work commitments.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Overall feeling quite good today, though some sharp pain in my right ear this afternoon, and it is still not completely clear (I can hear some blockage when I swallow or yawn).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Anyway, changes around me are still going on. Processes at work, though stressful at times, are falling into place with relative ease.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 18 september 2014, 19:11 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Nighttime session before bed:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Strong pressure in arms though not much movement.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Noticed that my neck and head were completeky immobile. Upon realising this, neck started to seize up, becoming tighter and tighte and more uncomfortable. Started to sway a little in the body. Neck remained very tight, light when it's really cold and muscles start to tense.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Tingling in left side of face (cheek).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Sharp pain, like a pin, in my chest on left side. Happened a number of times through the session. Strong tickling on left cheek, as if some insect crawling there.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Dull but strong momentary pain on right side just below ribcage.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          At some point, neck started to loosen again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Body starts to sway more, neck starts to tense again but not as much as before.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Some thougt that I am in a beautiful meadow whilst swaying in this way.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Receive «message» from Baibak to relax, and not take things so seriously (understood that this is in relation to work). Neck immediately relaxed, and body started to move more freely. Tried to move neck, got sharp pain so stopped. Sharp pain at top of left leg, as if trapped nerve. Shoulders started to move fast and free, and I could feel the tense areas in my back, shoulders and neck start to release.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Session ended, and had sharp pain in left leg still. Sure that it will release while I sleep (and will begin another session once in bed).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 19 september 2014, 08:27 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Friday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Have been drinking a lot more tea recently, and have noticed that (sorry for detail!) urine is often luminous yellow afterwards. Feeling a lot of cleansing going on in this system at the moment, though I still have lapses where I forget to drink enough water for the day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Ran Baibak when I went to bed last night, and fell asleep very quickly (during the session).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Awoke this morning feeling more fresh than of late, still sleepy, but more energised, less temptation to go back to sleep for another half hour.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            It appears that I have started another period — not so great news. Starting to pay closer attention to vitamins to assist Baibak in healing this issue.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            The roof in my house is still leaking, even more so than before, as a result of very heavy rain during these last few days. Last week, it was sunshine every day, and I forgot that the roof had this problem, but more recently the rains have returned, meaning I wake up/come home to pools of water on my floor. The thing is, these issues cannot be fixed while I reside in the house. This has been made quite clear by the owner, who has made some attempts to cover the damaged areas with plastic wrap. She has now left the city until after I leave, so there is not really any way to change this. I now see this whole state of affairs as a reflection of my current situation. I want to get out of my job, get on a plane, and go to my lover. I want to be free of this current lifestyle that has so restricted me. But, I cannot do all this until I leave, so I have to just «ride it out» and enjoy my last week in Thailand. If it rains, then the floor will get wet (though I will try to catch as much water in buckets as I can). If it doesn't, then that's great.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Ran lunchtime session — good energy sensations, some body tilting, swaying, subtle arm movements. at one point rapid eyelid fluttering.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Upon finishing, walked back to my desk and sat down, and felt energy surging through my feet (I'm not sure in which direction exactly, in or out). Feel processes still going on very strongly! A kind of dreamlike state now, though alert enough to function «normally»!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 23 september 2014, 13:27 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Tuesday 23/09:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              It's only a few days until I leave Thailand, and it feels like in the run up to this date everything is just building up momentum, pushing me forward, ploughing through tasks at great speed (and sometimes not).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              My Baibak practice has suffered as a result, but more in part to my growing list of excuses.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              My lunchtime practices are almost non-existent, as I now have many things to do in this time. Were it just these practices that were slipping, I guess it would be ok, but my morning sessions are also lacking somewhat, often being held sitting down whilst working or having a conversation via skype. Nighttime sessions are better, though again often they are conducted lying down and end with me drifting off to sleep while the music plays next to me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Evidently, my processes have slowed down to a bit of a halt too. Women's cycle has become somewhat stagnated (constant spotting, unclear as to what day of my cycle I'm now on). Hair growth (unwanted) has increased. Energetically I feel ok, but it's quite clear that most (if not all) the energy I'm getting from Baibak is being funneled into my activities, and not my health.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Every day I say to myself (or to someone else) today I'll have an early night, get a good sleep for the day tomorrow, and then I catch myself at midnight (or later) finally realising that I should go to sleep (I wake up at about 6am).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              The positive side is that my productivity has, like I say, skyrocketed, and I'm getting so many things done, but I'm leaving no time for myself. Every moment is caught up in preparations for moving, finishing my work at my job etc.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Feels like I'm kidding myself that I'll «do better» once I've left. I need to do better now!!!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Started having a bit of a disagreement (online) with landlady this afternoon, about getting my deposit back when I move out, and was eating some fruit at the time. As the situation started to escalate, I looked over and saw a caterpillar crawl from under the fruit. Normally, this would not cause a strong reaction (it was not maggots!), but at the sight, and at the moment of frustration with the conversation, I felt nauseous. I got up and walked towards the bathroom, thinking I might throw up, but I didn't.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              When I got back to my desk, the office was empty. I immediately started a session (sitting down), though had to end it when a colleague came to the office door.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Anyway, I feel today a bit like I've caught myself out, the cheeky child who has manipulated the parent into thinking everything is ok, that I'm doing enough. I'm embarrassed at myself.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              I intend to conduct multiple sessions this evening, and to use my time in the morning more effectively — I know that I have more than enough time to conduct one full session at least, there is nothing in my way other than my own passivity.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 23 september 2014, 19:38 # +2
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                After a great dinner with friends, evening sessions are also going very well.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                First session was held standing. Very strong sensations. Often feeling like I will get dizzy, but never quite coming to that stage. Some body movement, had to sit down at one point.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                After a break, started the second session. This was even more intense than the last. Body started to move fast, sometimes slightly jerky, but in the same moment with a beautiful fluidity.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Strong feeling that this will be a session entirely focused on the body, the physical plane. Very strong work being done with the knees. Interesting constant movement encouraging gentle but significant exercise in specific areas. And surprise — Baibak is not only the physician and the psychologist, but the chiropractor, physio therapist, and no doubt endless more. The problem I often faced when practicing yoga, was I had existing injuries that were sometimes exacerbated by certain positions, and sometimes reduced by them. But I didn't know which ones were which. With Baibak sessions, it's like there's a guiding light, moving my body in exactly the right way to free up the blockages there. Ankles, knees, back, neck, and feet all cracked as my body swayed, twisted, bent, and stretched (already diagnosed with hyper-mobility syndrome, meaning many of my joints crack on a more-than-is-normal basis, but these were more significant, like getting a Thai massage, but without the pain, or fear of it!). Not just that, but muscles contracted with power and purpose, supporting my body with ease as it cut through the air. Work started with the neck and back, then the hips and legs, ankles, feet, then back up through the knees, finishing with the neck and head again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                At one point, became visibly aware (with eyes closed) of a figure in front of me, a psychadellic tribal goddess, that I couldn't see at all time, so much as perceive the shapes. Lines of colour shifted in front of me, and I irealised she was a reflection of me, echoing my movements. The image/idea eventually faded.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Now feeling exhausted. My body is not painful, but energetically I feel like I've been at the gym for two hours solid. It's enough for tonight. I will run a session before sleep, and set an alarm for the morning with the intention of running a session when I awake.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 24 september 2014, 08:39 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Wednesday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  So I ran one more session once I was in bed, and fell asleep easily. I awoke one time in the night, to use the bathroom, and then ran another session and fell back to sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I awoke this morning feeling pretty good although a little stiff, feels like I did a lot of exercise last night!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Ran a full session this morning (hooray!). Compared with the previous night, movement was minimal. To begin with, body stayed very stable, hardly moving. After some time, arms began to move a bit (strong magnetic sensations from the start of session), and eventually body moving a little, twisting and stretching, some movement in the neck and head, though joints felt particularly stiff (at one point sharp pain in neck when cracking in one direction).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Finished the session feeling good!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Have been drinking more tea at work, though still lacking on water, but at least fluid intake is improved these last few days.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  More opportunities for future work are opening up, providing additional income with ease. Projects at my job are finally drawing to a close, with only 3 days left(!)
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Feeling very excited about my impending departure, still quite a few things to get organised, but nothing that demands too much of my time or energy.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Full lunchtime session was great — strong energy in arms. Some body movement, twisting the upper torso, neck etc. Lots of crunching and cracking, particularly shoulders (shoulder blades), ribs, neck and upper thoracic region.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Some tension/aggression towards the afternoon, directed at a particularly lazy colleague. Let it go fairly fast though, as in a few days they will not be my problem any longer. Just need to get through this week.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Once again, simple businesses are coming together with ease. Feeling somewhat pressured by the fact that I've only a few days left, but also relaxed. Life is good!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 25 september 2014, 08:05 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Nighttime session last night was great — again a lot of movement in body, arms, shoulders, back, knees, ankles, all cracking and clicking, unlocking from years of built up stress and tension.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Started to dance swiftly and smoothly (with feet stuck firmly on the floor, somehow supporting me despite my often sharp movements), arms were swiping through the air, and the energy sensations I felt as my hands cut through the space around me were something magical.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Ran another session once in bed, and feel asleep before it finished.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Awoke at about midnight due to a thunderous storm outside, so started another session and went back to sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Awoke this morning with a positive mood. Session was quieter in the beginning, could almost have believed there was nothing going on, and then some movements started. Body felt quite stiff, and there was some occasional pain in the area of the neck, so movements were not quite as free as before. Work at the moment is definitely focused on the physical aspect, but it's great.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Energy levels today significantly improved, in fact I can say that I feel like I've had a few cups of coffee! Drinking tea and water throughout the morning, but I'm so awake and «on the ball» that I'm almost going too fast for myself to keep up.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Mood is hugely positive, feeling joyous, and a lot of love for those around me (who really matter — those who don't, I couldn't care less about, they are certainly not affecting me in any way).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 26 september 2014, 14:41 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Friday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Emotions last few days have been up and down, feeling a bit manic.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Yesterday started to experience rage, anger, disappointment, resentment, sadness, depressive feelings. Feeling overwhelmed by the tasks that lie ahead, and scared of tackling them alone. Spoke with boyfriend and broke down in tears. He suggested running a session, which I did. It was good. Some movements of body and arms as usual. Mood felt calm almost immediately after launching, though mind was swimming with all kinds of thoughts about what still needs to be done before leaving here.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Have been getting quite bloated after food these last few days, finding that running a session helps immensely to reduce this.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Again this morning, felt quite low. Cried a lot. Cleared some negative ideas and thoughts by speaking them out loud with partner. Ran a session and felt much better, though again mind was swimming with ideas, and felt like I couldn't relax, waiting for the session to end.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Last day at work was fine.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 26 september 2014, 20:45 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Funny — after reading someone else's review, about having up and down emotions, I can say that mine are somewhat similar as of late. Feelings today are ranging from unontrollable excitement, energy bursts, productiveness and joy, to down in the dumps paranoia, shame, weakness, and complete lack of motivation and belief.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Now feeling exhausted, confused about how to keep current situations (in my head), in order to manifest positive outcomes. Accept that I've made some mistakes recently, but how to overcome them?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 29 september 2014, 16:55 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Sessions have been somewhat erratic last few days due to travel schedule.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Saturday was manic, preparing to leave Thailand. All businesses went fine (eventually).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Many examples of almost instant manifestation recently. Simple thoughts about things
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          I want or need, and then being given them by someone. Case in point — packing bag on Saturday morning, realising it's too small, and then my neighbour (known for only a week) comes to buy some stuff from the house and gives me one she was going to throw away, and it's big enough to fit absolutely everything, even things I thought I'd have to leave behind. Several similar examples, specific items of clothing I want, people then buy for me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Full session today focused on physical level again, knees legs and neck, particularly stiff after journey (sleeping on airport seats, and on plane).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 02 october 2014, 06:22 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Sessions conducted the past few days have again been focused on the physical level — body twisting around (upper torso/hips), arms swinging and making circles, head moving side to side stretching the neck. Bones creaking and cracking throughout. Particular areas of work are the neck and the left shoulder, where the bones are continuing to «pop» as the body moves. Also a lot of work going on in the knees and legs. Stance in general feels stronger. Feel more stable on my feet, whereas before I was often quite clumsy in my stride.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Outside of sessions, there is a strange feeling within the body sometimes — I cannot explain it by words, a kind of lightness, separateness from my mind.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Mood is generally good, though a few days ago was confronted with several challenging situations and struggled to maintain a positive attitude for some time. Felt helpless in many ways.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Dreams have become more vivid and detailed these last few days, even having one lucid moment a few nights ago where I saw myself in the mirror, and thought «don't worry, this is only a dream, you can do what you want».
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Finally being back as a couple is wonderful in so many ways. Being able to have a physical connection again, wow it's just incredible, though at times I feel there is still something unresolved. Not anything of major significance, but time will tell. I'm not sure, perhaps it's related to this feeling on insecurity. Coming to a new country, everything is different, but there have been a number of times where I've really felt unsafe, a target for bad energy and bad people. I hope this will change.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 04 october 2014, 08:46 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Sessions over the last few days have been sporadic, but I've managed at least one full standing session and one lying down, sometimes two standing sessions. In the standing sessions, work has continued on the physical level. The cracking and popping of bones in my shoulders (particularly left shoulder blade), neck, back, knees, ankles, and hips continues as Baibak works on freeing up the years of tension and blockages there.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              After some boxing training a few days ago, and surfing yesterday for the first time, my body is particularly achey. Running sessions is ok, though at times quite painful when moving certain muscles that are already strained.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Movements in standing sessions are also very intense. Two days ago, my evening session saw me thrown forward, having to put my hands out to stop myself from falling onto the floor. There have also been a few moments of sharp pain, particularly in the neck, when the head moves a certain way and something trapped there is released, though these moments occur perhaps only once in a session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Mood is overall ok, not really up or down. Still «finding my feet» in new surroundings, adjusting to new schedule (or lack thereof!).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Lying down sessions are very relaxing, and I often do these when I go to bed, regardless of whether I've done a standing session beforehand or not.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Session this morning was not as intense as the last few days — still a lot of twisting and turning of the torso. Bones cracking and popping. After, started to feel quite down. Mood was pretty low. Uninspired. Feels like a cold is coming on — stuffy nose, pressure in head, and dizziness when I move my head too fast.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Decided to take some rest in the afternoon — ran another session lying down and fell asleep. Felt a little better after waking, though still quite tired.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Will run another standing session and go to bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 05 october 2014, 05:22 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Nighttime session again started with rotation of the hips left and right. Neck and shoulder movements too. Sharp pain in neck during one such movement. Had the feeling at more than one point of a presence standing in front of me — the desire to open my eyes (which I did not).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Again very vivid dreams during the night — finding that the day's events/conversations/experiences/movies watched are having a massive influence on the content of them.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 07 october 2014, 18:56 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Last few days have been pretty intense.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Strong diarrhea for two days running now. Yesterday awoke with very strong pain in bowel, and today less pain but more strong cleansing when I went to the toilet.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Yesterday also felt very weak by the afternoon/evening time. Ran additional sessions while lying on the sofa, and then after moving to the bed for some sleep in the evening.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  All standing sessions have continued to focus on the physical level. Body rotating, swaying, dancing, legs bending at the knees and ankles, bones cracking in neck, shoulders, back, hips, knees, and now the right foot has also started to crack multiple times in sessions when legs are moving.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Movement during sessions is sometimes so strong that I am starting to feel quite nauseous, this morning's session in particular was very hard. Had come from fitness training (decided it was a good idea to go ahead with it despite strong diarrhea beforehand, and did feel somewhat better afterwards) so was already quite tired. Stomach was pretty empty, though had had some fresh fruit for breakfast. While standing in the session, body started to rotate so fast that I really felt sick. Stomach was rumbling particularly loud, and the strong sensation of liquid/bubbles moving around inside my lower abdomen.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  After a good meal for dinner am feeling particularly exhausted. Trying to keep an eye on fluid intake to avoid dehydration during sickness.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Also, have noticed the past few days, when exercising, that flexibility of body is vastly improved. Stretches (such as touching my toes while standing) that I struggled with, even when doing 2-4 hours of yoga a day, I can now do with ease!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Will run another standing session before heading to bed for some much needed sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 08 october 2014, 17:52 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Session last night was run lying down — body was tired and very painful by the time I was ready to run Baibak, and felt that I would fall over for sure if I tried to stand the full 18 minutes.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Awoke this morning with strong muscle pain under ribs, between shoulder blades, and in chest.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Morning was spent doing some work, though not as productive as I'd have liked.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Have started feeling a bit resentful and angry the past few days, feeling like I'm stuck in some endless cycle of behaviour, of dis-balance in relationship. This state came to a head as I was preparing food for lunch/dinner. Started feeling rage build up inside me. I wanted to smash something, hit the wall with my fist. Immediately went to do a session, lying down in order to get more privacy (hidden from view of partner) and using headphones.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Almost as soon as the session began, my fists and feet became clenched, muscles tightening as anger continued to take hold. I started to cry, feeling a kind of desperation in my situation. Occasionally the anger would die down, but my fists remained so tightly clenched that by the end of the session it was difficult to uncurl my fingers and there were visible marks in my palms. At times, my body started to shake and contort as feelings of distrust, sadness, guilt, worry swept through me. Cried a number of times, sometimes out-loud quite violently.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    After session ended, was able to discuss some of my feelings with partner, and again in the evening. Still feeling kind of low, drained and tired. Work projects do not appear to be going as anticipated, things are not flowing as freely as I'd like. I hope this is just a phase.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 09 october 2014, 07:00 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Session last night before bed was strong. At the start, arms filled with energy and started to float upwards. For a small moment I thought to myself «oh, maybe this session will not be all about twisting my body back and forth», but lo and behold, my hips started to rotate left and right, and the usual movements of the past few weeks ensued. Bones once again creaked and cracked, still significant popping in the left shoulder (the noise and movement not longer makes me feel nauseous, as it did some time ago, but it is nevertheless not so pleasant a sensation!).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Mind was busy thinking about all kinds of useless information (what to wear the following day?!).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      The session ended and I felt completely exhausted, very dreamlike state, unable to fully awake for some time.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Went to bed and fell asleep with ease, though noted that my body was very painful still after exercises the previous day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 09 october 2014, 07:18 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Thursday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Awoke this morning in quite a lot of pain. Many areas of the body where the muscles are inflamed due to intense exercise over a day ago. Just above the hips, the area between the shoulder blades, under the rib-cage (both front and back) and the chest (under the clavicle — the top of the rib-cage).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Felt very sleepy, like I did not get enough rest (actually stayed up quite late working after running session). Dreams continue to be bizarre and vivid.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Felt a little nauseous also, and a few sharp pains in lower abdomen (uterus area) — my period is due pretty soon, and feels like it could be today to start — it would explain the nausea and pains at least. For the first time in a while, I will be glad for it to start, having had a blissful few weeks of no bleeding!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        After breakfast, ran full standing session. Body was noticeably painful at the start. Hips began to once again rotate, arms swinging around also. Not so much movement in the neck or shoulders this time. Mind was quite «busy» though was able to calm it down most of the time (from useless chatter). Noticed towards the end of the session that pain in hips had significantly reduced and was almost not noticeable.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Session ended and again felt quite dreamlike, though quickly woke up. Still a lot of pain in muscles, but will run sessions throughout the day as I can to help with this. Decided not to go to training today to allow recovery.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Difficulties later in the day. Apartment full of smoke every time I cook in the small, windowless kitchen, with it pouring into the main living area and making it difficult for me to breathe. Got quite upset about it, had verbal disagreement with partner, feeling a lot of anger and sadness.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Conducted a session (standing). Arms filled with energy and started to rotate in small circles by my sides. Body remained motionless for quite some time. Realised my posture was slouched, and as soon as I straightened up, hips started to rotate, though much more subtly than recent sessions, about 30 degrees to the left and right. Sometimes my knees were bent, and my legs moved as I rotated more from the ankles, and sometimes knees were locked and legs straight, rotating from the hips.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Towards the end of the session, thought more about the smoke. Thought of the saying «there's no smoke without fire», and laughed to myself as I am a «fire» sign. Then «saw» (cannot really describe it, not a vision, but a vague experience) how the fire escalates inside me, leading to a big argument with my beloved, and he leaves me, and I send a message for my parents to book me a ticket home, and I started to cry. Started to feel sensations in my right ear while this was going on (which has still not fully cleared, sometimes feeling like there's something blocked inside). Now, after this «vision» and finishing the session, just huge paranoia that this is some inevitable situation, even writing the post am in tears. I don't want it to be. I don't want to leave, and neither do I want my temper to cause such a disagreement that he cannot bear to be with me, but I cannot shake this horrible feeling.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 10 october 2014, 10:18 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Mood improved yesterday over the course of the evening. Shared concerns with partner.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Ended up falling asleep on the sofa fairly early, feeling quite exhausted, so went to bed and ran session lying down.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Dreams in the night again vivid — recall one episode in which I was back in my old job (teaching), and I was getting more and more angry with my students (who were adults in the dream, unlike the reality). I started to shout, scream, be very rude and aggressive, all the while feeling that I was losing my voice and was unable to shout loud enough over the noise that they were making.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Awoke feeling tired, and mouth was very dry.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Late start to the day, but productive morning — a large chunk of work completed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Rain Baibak around midday (standing) and was surprised to find my body sanding completely motionless, with only my hands and arms moving. Starting with small circular rotations at my sides, and changing to soft swinging (like a pendulum) at my sides forwards and back to center, moving only about 20-30 degrees or so. Occasionally, body leaned forward quite suddenly, but would come back to motionless center point each time. Hands again changed to small circles for the last 5 or so minutes.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Session ended and felt very sleepy.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Decided to have some rest as there was nothing else I felt to do, so after a short break lay down and played the track once more, launching another session. Arms filled with energy, feeling like I was almost pinned to the bed. Mind was very busy. Memories of past male acquaintances who had tried to win my affections, gifts I'd been given by them. Realised that at the times when I felt least beautiful, I was actually incredibly beautiful, young, confident on the surface, but inside was deeply paranoid about my appearance. I plastered my face with makeup from the age of about 15, always feeling that I needed to improve the canvas. Soon after came padded bras (later liquid ones — increasing chest size ridiculously so!), crazy high-heeled shoes, more makeup, hair products and styling, anything to try and appear more beautiful than I felt inside. And this was all to attract the attention of the men who really were not worth my admiration, the ones who would use me, lie to me, abuse me. Of course I knew all of this for some time, but it was interesting to see during this session some of the beautiful men that I had overlooked, had cared about but had not even considered a romantic relationship with because I was too interested in the others.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Stayed awake for the whole session, and when it finished still felt pressed into the bed by external energy forces. Eventually started to move my body a little, and went to sleep after some time.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Awoke feeling still very tired, and stomach cramps have started indicating the start of my period very soon.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 10 october 2014, 19:55 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Wow just fees like so much to write after the last few sessions.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Nighttime standing session was similar to earlier in the day. Body hardly moved, though arms swayed and made small circles, with strong energy sensations running through them. They also started hitting my sides gently, moving away from my body and back, hitting my legs/hips. Remembered that this actually happened in the session earlier today too, and in that session there started a definite vibration in the area of the 1st chakra, outside of my body between the legs.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Anyway, minds during this session before bed were less than pleasant. Memories and recollections of past partners and male acquaintances that cannot really be called partners, but nonetheless had some sexual encounter with. Many of the memories that came were particularly unpleasant to remember. I felt quite sick at some of them. At times, I wanted to cry, but the tears didn't come. Feelings of shame, almost not recognising who I was then, but at the same time realising it is still who I am now. Light pressure felt in the chest and just under the chin. Then felt some pain in left breast (also felt pain in right breast in earlier session today).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Would say that mood for most of today has been «flat», and now is no exception! Would quite like to curl up in a ball somewhere until these feelings pass.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 12 october 2014, 15:53 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Ok, so today I've really seen how «skipping» a day of practice really does bring processes back to the start in a sense.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Yesterday, after good practice the previous days, I did not manage a single standing session. Laziness and being busy doing other things (wasting time), meant I lost track of time through the day, and «before I knew it» it was the evening and time for bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              So, today, more motivated, I have already run two full standing sessions. But I see that the deeper emotional work has slowed down, and we are back to the physical, body moving, cracking bones etc.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1st session: Lots of movement, arms circling at sides, body swaying, tilting, rotating. A lot of movement in the neck, knees, back and feet. Lots of joints popping, sometimes painfully so. Session finished with about 5-10 minutes of energetic arm swinging, pendulum motion swinging at my sides forwards and back.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              2nd session: Started with arms rotating in small circles at my sides, then some body movement rotating gently left and right. Started to feel the tingle in hands and feet as if I was being bitten by some insect. Resisted urge to open eyes. Then felt tingling in the nose, and all of a sudden there was this electric sensation on the bridge of my nose, just below eye level. A kind of pulsating energy that spread slightly out towards my cheeks and eyes by about 1cm. This sensation lasted almost the entire session, and I found it easy to focus my attention on it. Even when my body started to move and sway, it continued. About 4 minutes before the end it disappeared. Mind started to become a little preoccupied with plans for a visit home sometime soon.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Session ended and I feel pretty good — energised.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 13 october 2014, 11:14 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Annd it's back to the lows. I can say that today I feel spectacularly shit.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Just feels like I'm being made the scapegoat so much of the time. Whatever. Mood is angry, sad, aggressive.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Feelings of hatred towards myself and others. Feeling like once again I'm stuck somewhere I don't want to be. The tap is leaking. The toilet smells like piss even though I've tried to clean it. The air conditioning is giving me a headache, but the windows are so small and the lack of privacy means fresh air is not really an option.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Ok I wrote more than this, but I just had to delete it because right now I'm on the wave of an anger filled rage, so I will probably say something I'l regret later.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Time to do a session for sure.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Standing in the session, only subtle arm movements and the occasional body swaying forwards. Thoughts were strong. Ideas of running away, of self harm, suicide, anger, and then always sadness. Cried a lot through the session. Tired of feeling like I'm in a battle with myself, like I can't choose the right way to go, to see the choice I should make clearly.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Will take a short break and run another session, as I feel like I need some intensive work to pull myself out of this hole.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Ran 4 sessions in total (perhaps 5 as I drifted to sleep at some point). No time to write everything now, so will put a more detailed post later, suffice to say that am feeling much better. Worked through a lot of the shit!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 14 october 2014, 13:05 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Sessions yesterday were particularly tough.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  After breaking from the 1st session, the 2nd one was equally strong. Again a lot of crying, twisting and turning of body, punching the air in anger. All visions were focused on me leaving my current situation, but upon seeing them I was distraught. Utter despair.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Also in second session came the clenching of fists, again so tight that to release my hands afterwards took some effort and pain.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  After another short break, I resigned to carry out two further sessions (without a break) lying down with headphones, as my partner was also by this point in our one room with me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  3rd session, I began to feel relaxed almost as soon as the session started. Energy filled my hands, feet, arms, legs, chest, head — pushing me into the sofa on which I lay. I felt like I was drifting around. My mind had become incredibly quite, and a sense of calm began to wash over me. I think I drifted to sleep momentarily, but awoke before the end, so that when the music started once more I immediately began another session. I remember feeling a bit thirsty at this point, but for whatever reason neglected to reach out for the water next to me for fear of «breaking» the current state such as it was.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  4th session, felt incredibly calm. Mind was almost silent, a beautiful sense of stillness and peace. Once more I drifted off to sleep, and honestly couldn't say if it was for 5 minutes or 35 minutes. When I awoke, there was still some time on the track left, but I felt incredibly awake and invigorated. In fact, I took off the headphones about 30 seconds from the end and got up, as I had the distinct feeling that the session was already over.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I showered, then sat down and talked through everything that I'd experienced, and the issues that had been running through my mind recently, with my partner. It was tough, heated at times, but worth it. Thanks once again to Baibak and my subconscious for helping me through my issues.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Ran one final session before bed, which involved a lot of physical movement, and a few moments of pain in the neck and shoulders when bones were cracking and creaking.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Did not sleep well, waking up a few times, but felt good the next morning.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 16 october 2014, 06:02 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Day before yesterday, had two full sessions at midday and in the evening. Focus was once more on the physical level, with body rotating, twisting, bending, and bones crunching occasionally. Still feel that there is a lot of tension and physical blockages in the area of the neck and shoulders.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Things around have been up and down too. Feels sometimes like parts of my life are being ripped apart before being sewn back together — not pleasant, and taking a lot of my energy sometimes, though I feel more able to save/protect myself from this kind of thing, from being drawn into others' bad energy, something that is a result of Baibak for sure.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    New connections are being made, with work and hobbies. More instant manifestations, opportunities to do things arising only days after I think about them.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Yesterday was particularly busy with work — a very productive day, but went to bed very late, and managed only a lying session before sleep, in which my whole body filled with energy. Felt a light pressure on my chest throughout.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Awoke very early, about 6am, and ran another session before going back to sleep and awaking with the alarm, very tired.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 16 october 2014, 18:42 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Sessions last few days have been sporadic yet again, though have at least managed one a day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Today, ran quite a few whilst sitting down working, and had a very productive evening though spending almost 5 solid hours at the computer has left me feeling quite tired physically and mentally.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      After exercise this morning (run), had strong cramps in lower abdomen. Passed after 10 minutes or so. Started bleeding (period) a few days ago, but body temperature indicated period had not yet started. Today, after the pain, bleeding is much heavier, indicating the actual start of menstruation. Temperature was also slightly decreased this morning. This means I've had only two weeks without bleeding, but it's a vast improvement on last month where I had only 3 days!!!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Emotionally today, felt fantastic for the most part. Sheer joy and elation this morning (once pain had passed), and productive evening also brought great satisfaction, however now, at the end of the day, mood has come down somewhat. Definitely need to catch up on missed sleep from previous night. Will run a session and go to bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 17 october 2014, 07:48 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Session before bed last night was intense.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Started with arms rotating at my sides, with very strong energetic sensations of pressure in and around them.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        At some point, body suddenly started to rotate, fairly fast left and right, also neck movements. Bones cracking etc. The movements were fluid and strong.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Suddenly, the rotating stopped, and I almost lost my balance, throwing up my arms in front of me to steady myself.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Body became still, and intense energy rushed up my legs and arms.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        After some time, arms began to move gently, and body once more started to rotate, though not as fiercely as before. Once more, I almost lost my balance when the movements became stronger, and again threw up my arms to steady myself.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Session ended, and went to bed feeling tired but in better spirits than before the session.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Friday:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Awoke this morning with strong abdominal cramps, and after visiting the toilet realised that menstrual bleeding was particularly heavy (sorry for detail!) through the night. After coming back to bed, launched a session lying down, and instinctively placed my hands (palm down) over my abdomen, forming a downward «V» between my hips. This is something I used to do before during my period, and other stomach upsets, with great effect. I felt a wonderful warm energy in the region, and the pain and discomfort disappeared.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        After getting up to start the day, abdominal cramps returned once more, an almost constant, dull, but strong, pain.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Launched a standing session. Pain disappeared almost immediately, though returned at various points during the session and after it.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Lots of body rotations again, also a lot of work and movement in the neck and shoulders. Sometimes, I have moments of fear during sessions when I realise how forcefully I'm moving certain parts of my body (the neck!) and I worry that I will do some damage, but then I relax and trust in the process, and always it is fine (of course sometimes there is pain, but that is all).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Session ended and body was still rotating and arms swinging, even as I opened my eyes. Cramps have reduced somewhat, though there is still a dull ache in the area of the womb.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Ran another session in the afternoon. Start of the session body was still, with strong magnetic energy fields around hands and arms. Eventually, had body rotations, movement of the neck (with a lot of clicking, and now a new «popping» sensation when head turns sharply to the right). Nothing of any greater importance to note. Finished the session feeling quite tired, but have felt like this for most of the day!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Menstruation is still particularly heavy, more-so than previous months, and it's making me feel quite low in terms of energy and mood. Have had a tremendously productive day work-wise, as I've spent most of the day in front of the laptop, making the most of my lack of enthusiasm for anything else by finishing old projects and putting good hours into ongoing and new ones. So today feels monotonous, but productive!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 19 october 2014, 09:47 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Last few days have been difficult.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Heavy menstrual bleeding has left me feeling weak, frustrated, and generally low. Yesterday did not want to do anything at all except stay in bed, but to stay in bed was boring and so I wanted to find something to occupy my time, but nothing interested me. Watched comedies but did not laugh. Worked for some time but got frustrated.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Ran a few sessions sitting through the day, but generally felt too tired to stand and do a full session, and my mood prevented me from being proactive about managing my symptoms in this way.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Ran a lying session before bed and fell asleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Awoke with the strange sensation of something crawling on my hand — realised that I was not dreaming, and threw it off onto the floor — a cockroach, who had been hiding in our room for some time.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          After this, could not get back to sleep. Angry, tired. Started watching a movie on the sofa, light was too bright for my eyes. Went for a walk to the shop to get some snacks, and after eating went back to bed again, launching a session. Interesting dreams — one, I looked in the mirror and saw how my face was covered in red spots (acne). Was upset at this. In another, I was lying close to a swimming pool, and a friend was talking. I fell asleep in the dream, then awoke to realise she was still talking. At some point I became aware that I was dreaming, and found it interesting that I had dreamed I was asleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Awoke very late today (no surprise). Bleeding is not quite as heavy as past few days but still feeling quite drained.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Ran full session whilst waiting for lunch to cook. Felt frustrated. Bored. Just wanted to sit down and forget about the session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Vision of driving into town here, and getting stopped by police without a licence and didn't have any money, so they arrested me. I couldn't call anyone, but someone my boyfriend called me and came to get me. Realised that I am quite afraid in my new surroundings, afraid of the police, of thieves on the street. At this point, very sudden sharp pain in lower abdomen (womb) so much that I almost fell forward. Pain disappeared as quickly as it had come. Cried.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Finished session feeling pretty low still.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Day went along in much the same way. Mood still pretty flat. In the evening, had another discussion with partner about relationship, issues that are still present. After working myself into a bit of a state, lay down on the bed and launched a session. Drifted to sleep. Awoke sometime later, continued discussion and cleared some of the stagnant energy there.Finding it difficult to feel the balance between honesty and manipulation, it appears both of us have our issues that are coming together to create tension and a lack of complete trust, openness etc. I am confident that we will find full resolution, that all will be well and good, but the process to get there is frustrating to say the least.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 20 october 2014, 11:35 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Session yesterday before bed was quite tough.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Worked until quite late at night (around 11pm) and was very tired, but nevertheless conducted a full standing session. There was a lot of movement, which (as is often the case) made me feel quite dizzy and a little sick at times. Also some pain and stiffness in the region of the neck was very evident.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Struggled at times to maintain balance, feeling so weak that I had the strong temptation to sit down, and eventually lie down on the floor. Resisted this urge and continued to stand, feeling anxious for the session to end.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            After session, went to bed, though waited for partner who was also working, and eventually had a very good night's sleep. Ridiculous dream about going to Church with my mother, and spending an obscene amount of time choosing a dress to wear!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Awoke feeling much better than past few days. Mood is notably improved. Figure has slimmed down after first few days of menstruation. Some things which I forgot/failed to note before:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Menstrual blood, in first few days, was much heavier (amount), darker and thicker than before. Also, had a much stronger smell — not unpleasant, but very noticeable when emptying the cup I use (long ago stopped using tampons and such other products, no longer wanting to use chemically bleached cotton etc.)
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Breasts responded to ovulation/luteal phase much more, becoming very noticeably inflated for almost 2 weeks (no bad thing). General weight also increased somewhat over this time, but not ridiculously so. They have now reduced somewhat.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Mood before menstruation was high, sometimes almost ecstatic, with a very high libido. In first few days of menstruation this crashed dramatically, and was quite difficult to deal with. At times, libido would stabilise, and even be sufficient to enjoy intimate time with partner, but generally there was a very low feeling and even at times felt some slight aversion to physical contact.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — I have been finding that this time of the month seems to be particularly productive in terms of resolving deep-seated psychological issues.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Session run today before lunch. Again a lot of physical movement, sometimes some pain in the neck which again is quite stiff. Whilst preparing lunch (after session) it was quite painful when chopping vegetables etc. Session itself was otherwise nothing out of the ordinary. Had some memories of life in London, endless parties and ridiculous shoes (most notably), noting the damage I have surely done to my spine, hips, legs, body in general through the regular use of stiletto heels. Knew all this before, and even stopped wearing such shoes for a time after falling down some stairs in possibly the most stupid pair of shoes I've ever worn! Anyway, I digress. Overall starting to feel much better than previous days :)

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Mood started to come down later in the day, spending all time working at laptop without sufficient natural light, or even artificial light (lights in apartment are dull), leading to my eyes often feeling strained and becoming ultra-sensitive to changes — either my laptop is too bright, or I become so accustomed to the dullness that then even the low electric lights cause discomfort.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Ran a session — realised was not drinking enough water so opened eyes and drank a glass there and then. Session was nothing spectacular, some movement, feelings of frustration with some situations (money, general lack of feeling of complete security).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            After session felt somewhat improved, but sat down to continue to work and now eyes feel particularly strained — just feels like I'm undoing any benefits to my eyesight that may have been gained up until now.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 22 october 2014, 08:04 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Struggling again last few days.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Many worries about future, money, situation, work, relationship, health.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Just an overwhelming feeling, like there are so many things to think about and I don't even know where to start.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Sessions last few days held sitting, lying, and a few standing. Mind was all over the place, constantly thinking about this or that, struggling to stay calm.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Sometimes there is a reprieve and I feel ok, but generally after some time (and lack of other distractions) I start to come back to the same lines of thought. Finding it difficult to trust that «all will be ok».
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Three very distinct dreams in the night:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              First involved some friends and a guy from work I found attractive, but never «made a move». Nothing much happened in the dream other than reflecting that reality. Flirtation and nothing more.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Second was a boy (cannot say a man) who had caused me much heartache in my teenage years, and a few years back just as I was leaving the UK, toying with the idea of being with me or not, always throwing a line to me and then, once I was hooked, completely retracting. In the dream, he once again professed his love for me, that he wanted to be with me forever. I laughed and walked away.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Third dream I was at school, taking exams. It was unclear what the purpose or message from the dream was, as nothing of note really happened, just some random scenarios in this setting.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Anyway, quite unusual for me to have memory of so many different dream episodes — find this interesting. I think I may have woken up after each dream, and this helped me to remember each one separately.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 24 october 2014, 06:42 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Last few days have been painful — physically and mentally.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I'm not yet at the stage where I can write all here, as resolution has not yet come.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Have had brief episodes of pain in both ears, and jaw, for the last few days. Yesterday, a draining situation spending 5 hours in a waiting room due to some technical error.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Emotions are rollercoastering.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Thoughts pervade my mind constantly, should I do this or that? What's the right thing to do? Am I right or wrong in my thinking?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Hear the voices of relatives, friends, and the beloved — sometimes repetitions of past conversations, and sometimes imaginings of what they might say in the future.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Feels like I'm being pushed to make a choice, between my family and the man I love, but I'm not sure who's doing the pushing — me or someone else??? And is it really the choice? Or am I making it so?
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Sessions held as and when the force takes me to do so — yesterday several sitting down, one standing before bed, and one immediately after, lying down in bed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Standing session came after difficult conversation with partner. Mood was flat. Movements were still there but very soft and subtle, more work clearly being done on a psychological and emotional level.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Dreams last night included one of family, my grandmother, asking me if I was sick and should I be taking some pills? Other relatives, making me feel uncomfortable with their approach. Other dreams were more random, I cannot make sense of them.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Session run this morning immediately upon wakening (lying down). Additional session started sometime later.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                So many scenarios are running through my mind. I feel completely lost, unable to make a decision for fear of the consequences. Unable to speak for the same.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Abdomen is very painful, after food or exercise I don't know what. Drinking water is making me feel a bit nauseous at times too.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Thoughts range from practical future scenarios, to brief suicidal ideas, to emotionally devastating (or so they seem) future scenes.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Want to cry, reach out for my lover, push him away, go home to family, stay here, move somewhere else — I just cannot find any real answers. Every time I reach some sort of decision, I start to doubt myself. I cannot even trust/hear my own intuition in all this mess.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I ask that Baibak will help me to find the truth in all this.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 25 october 2014, 13:45 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Well, seek and ye shall find!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  After intensive sessions yesterday, thought that I had found some «answer» for my situation. But this was just an addition to the already mounting facade of «work» (note that my decision was more or less to run away, and ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach telling me this was not the answer).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Firstly, by «choosing» a decision by myself, I was not solving anything. There were (and of course, to some extent, still are) some issues in the relationship with the beloved, and simply ignoring these and thinking somehow things will be resolved is just some trick by my ego.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Secondly, simply holding back to back sessions (yesterday morning) and hoping that Baibak will somehow magically fix everything is also a trick. Yes, Baibak can help, but the intention to resolve things was not there.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  A few discussions with the partner about intention over these last few days, and he even mentioned a post from a Russian practitioner on the same lines. Reading it today, yes, it is very clear, I had «lost my way» somehow, and become lazy in my practice, but more importantly in my intention.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I have been blocking processes for both myself and my partner, and for «us». Standing in sessions with little to no intention of what the desired result is. Of course, at times I had «direction», asking for help when I realised I needed it, I needed something drastic, and of course in a non-direct way help has come. But all of this walking in circles could have surely been avoided had I not lost sight of the purpose. Recovery. Health. And with it, happiness, purification from the years of dirt accumulated in my body (energetic and physical). Baibak has worked with so much already, but there is still a long road ahead of me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  I see now that the «choices» I was fretting so much over were in some way a distraction from my laziness, blinding me to the fact that I was slowly slipping back into the swamp of my fears.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  So, thanks once again to Ksenia, and Nik, for their inadvertent help. Thanks to my beloved, for pushing me to look at myself. And thanks to Baibak for continuing to work even when I wasn't.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 25 october 2014, 20:31 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Two full sessions today, and a large amount of work.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Too much to describe in the diary, so will just note the main things:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    — Many realisations about past, particularly episodes from childhood and ways my parents tried to raise me. Seeing that I was restricted in terms of flourishing as the female that I am, and not for want of trying. Felt some anger towards parents for this, particularly my mother, which has since lessened. Also, memories of physical abuse — being hit as a punishment for «bad» behaviour, and seeing this mirrored in my behaviour towards my younger brother (remembered one episode where I threatened to hit him, and while watching it I could see my mother's face in mine, her emotions, her style of speech, her threats towards me). No resentment against my parents for this, I have understood for a long time that this is how they were both raised (and actually in more «violent» situations), but see that my inability to appropriately release and deal with anger is all tied into this.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    — Session earlier was held after starting to feel nauseous. Also started a strange feeling in the throat, as if the start of some cold or flu. This has since improved, and the nausea was almost cleared after the session. Towards the end of the session, sharp pain in the left breast. Researched psychosomatic links to this and saw many interesting things (actually found under breast cancer, though I don't believe it is at this advanced stage, but potentially the early warning signs of mastopathy, which seems to be already evident in the right breast) relating to current feelings in relationship, and issues with both my father and my mother, and their relationship with each other.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    — Second session held before bed — much less movement than past sessions. At some point, body stopped its usual rotations, arms filled with energy, and started to make gentle motions rising up and down and swaying around slowly and softly.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Still many ideas floating around in my head, random memories from childhood that do not yet appear to show anything of significance. Very tired now, time for sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 26 october 2014, 13:02 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Woke up once during the night, I think I launched Baibak but I was so sleepy I honestly cannot say! Awoke later with alarm, very sleepy.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Ran one session this morning, nothing of great significance to note. Mind was quite busy throughout, following trails of thought about business project with the beloved. I can see that I still have fears in this area, and am making a conscious effort to relax, but my mind still likes to wander off, debating possibilities that cannot yet be foreseen.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Today, outside of session, pain again in left breast. It is very sharp sometimes, quite uncomfortable. Again, on the psychosomatic side, aside from issues with parents (also read about lack of love from father towards mother, and this is something I saw in some moments from my past, but the situation has become better with time), read that some factors can be a feeling of lack of love — I wonder what my partner sees in other women that he does not see in me, feelings of bitterness, jealousy, rage, anger towards others who clearly had/have his affections, some level of self-pity, for this «gap» in our relationship. Now writing this, I can feel again this anger and frustration inside.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I know that these things are being worked through. In many aspects, things are improved vastly. Intimacy and connection during sex are growing and growing. Honesty is also a key factor. But there are still doubts that are limiting us both, and the challenge to overcome these is by no means «fun».
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      On a side note, today confirmed for myself that my eyesight is markedly improved, though only when in bright daylight (outside!), today scenes that before would have just been a mess of coloured shapes were clearly distinguishable, I could even read some text that was at a reasonable distance! However, when in poor lighting (indoors or nighttime) I cannot notice the same improvement. I «feel» (definitely through Baibak) that the natural light itself is helping to restore my eyesight — a no brainer I guess, given Vitamin D is excellent at preventing/restoring eye damage, and is most easily absorbed through sun exposure, but it's also a sense of the amount of natural light actually hitting the eye having a positive effect :-)
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 27 october 2014, 13:38 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Things are «looking up»!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Funny dream in the night about fears — went to some show (circus) and was sat alone in the front row, partner to my side but out of reach. Performer opened a cage with a huge lion who stood inches away from me, menacing eyes and teeth. I was terrified, even speaking loudly «oh my god!». Realised he could sense my fear, and made a conscious choice to relax, not worry. Looked over to my partner, who was sitting calm and unafraid. When I turned back to the lion, I saw that it was not real, in fact it was a (very obvious!) puppet. I laughed at my initial fear.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Standing session today, not much to note really. Body movements, pleasant clicking in ankles, feet, knees, shoulders and neck again (and last few days), though movements still make me dizzy in my head at times.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Side note — much more relaxed when out and about on the roads (which are very busy!), even managed a short drive to the shops a few days ago, my first time on a main road.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        More intimacy with beloved, and more fun!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 28 october 2014, 08:15 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Strange dreams in the night.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          One was pretty horrible in theme, a known friend (older man, around 50) who I don't know in reality, trying to attack/rape me. The dream ended before anything actually happened (I woke up), but whenever I tried to relax and go back to sleep, my mind started entertaining the continuance of the story, which was unpleasant of course, so I was awake for some time. Thoughts in the night also drifted to memories of teenage/young adult times, events of a sexual nature with negative consequences and actions. Another dream I was being hunted by a giant, in some village/town.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Standing session in the morning, again thoughts started to come about past experiences. Times when I was coerced into having sex with someone, felt forced to perform as some kind of «duty» or role, and when I was unable to, or stood my ground and said no, then apologising for this, taking on a role of guilt. Saddened that I chose to share myself with so many. A feeling that I have too many sexual experiences to make future ones «special», and not because I don't want them to be (I love my partner very much, and have never felt so open, trusting, and eager to give someone pleasure not as a sense of «I must» but because «I want», as I do with him), but because I keep this idea that I am «tainted». I see that many horrible experiences I went through were of my own doing, initially, putting myself in a precarious situation and then feeling stuck (I flirted with someone, so it's only right that they expect me to have sex with them etc.) Just so many memories and thoughts coming during the session, and afterwards. Emotionally feeling quite low to watch such things again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Anger at many of the men who pushed me to do something I clearly did not want to do- is that really something so attractive to them???
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          And also, the first every boyfriend, who stood by and watched as I was attacked by a gang (of 3 girls), because he was too afraid to step in and help me. Anger towards him, the coward. And I just took it all. At the time I refused to blame him in any way. I was barely even upset, that is until days later when my body started turning green and purple from the bruises, a shoe print clearly visible across half my face. People staring at me. Police interviews, photographs, going to court as a witness, seeing the ridiculous «justice» system in full swing. The whole thing was like some pantomime.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Now, I sit here shocked at the things I experienced in these times. I do not recognise this girl, at times so strong, and others so weak, and yet I can feel that all these things are still inside me, some of them eating away at my confidence etc.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          I thank Baibak for working with these things, and ask that resolution will not be long in coming.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 30 october 2014, 13:37 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Many processes and developments the last few days.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            At least 1 standing session held every day, plus some sitting or lying down. Effects during sessions have varied, but movements remain similar throughout — twisting and bending of torso, clicking in joints. Additionally in today's session had some sharp pain on and off for about 10 minutes on right side of body, just below armpit.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Lots of work around emotional issues, focused along the following lines:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Self-worth issues, feeling not good enough, and a lack of «common-sense» which has left me open to «abusive» treatment by others.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Difficulties accepting femininity, which I have (through Baibak) come to connect to several other aspects of my relationship, and past, with parents, namely my father. My behaviour drastically changed during my teenage years, at a time when my father no longer knew how to be around me, choosing avoidance (which I resented, particularly letting the weight fall upon my mother to «deal» with me), and my mother tried to keep me under control as best she could. Both were trying to protect me in the ways they thought best, but their attempts led only to a feeling of being cast out and wanting to rebel against their rules. This rebellious streak of behaviour then spilled into my adult life, leading me to seek approval and love from others, usually based on sex from a mixture of peer pressure, messages from society, and at a basic level feeling the need to have both love and physical contact from somebody. My actions generally served only to diminish my self-worth and happiness, feeding the behaviour in a continuing spiral.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Have found it difficult to forgive myself for past mistakes, revisiting them has brought much sadness, but over the last few days have done a lot of work to forgive not only myself, but my parents, and their parents before them — seeing how lines of family traits have continued to pass down and affect my upbringing and my life now.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Through Baibak, I have been able to connect together many of the «puzzle» pieces, how they have shaped my life so far, and how they affect my current state. More importantly, being able to detach and look objectively at things is doing wonders.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Mood has improved significantly over the last few days, as have energy levels, and openness and intimacy with the beloved.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 03 november 2014, 19:25 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Sometimes it feels like 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Carried out only 1 standing session yesterday, which was altogether non-eventful. Some body movements and a busy, preoccupied mind.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Mood today has been generally flat.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Issues over the past few days once again with self confidence, jealousy. And anger.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Feel at times like I completely accept myself, and at others complete dissatisfaction with my body. Monthly cycle is improved but still causing confusion — it is unclear whether ovulation is occurring or not, but have been monitoring for only 2 months now, so understand that I need to give this more time, particularly for Baibak to assist in restoring and regulating this vital function.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Struggling with issues around sex. Frustrated that I cannot attain that which I desire, feel at a loss in terms of what to change, thoughts become circular once again, leading me ultimately nowhere.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              sometimes relationship with beloved feels wonderful, and at others full of tension. At times the creeping feeling that I am being used in some way, whether unintentionally or not. And then more circular thoughts about the true nature of things, my influence/control in all this.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Every time it seems like I have come to some resolution, some positive stage, things just seems to drop back down again. I understand that there are deep-seated issues that are being worked on, and that the journey to health is an ongoing one, but this constant shift of up and down is making me weary. Last two days have felt very tired, lack of energy and motivation to do anything.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              At times, experience the strong desire to punish myself in some way, usually a result of anger and frustration at myself, wanting to hit my head against the wall — old habits. Has definitely become more easy to «ignore» such ideas, to move beyond them, but they are still there nonetheless.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Some improvement after running a session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 04 november 2014, 07:26 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Awoke this morning with less than good mood.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Feelings left over from previous day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Session held in the morning — body very still throughout, occasionally leaning forwards. At times, powerful perception of energy body, as well as complete loss of body consciousness (no perception of the physical body itself, save for the head).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Remembered that in yesterday's session, head bent forward for a long time, and there was the intense feeling of hanging, as if by a noose. This was accompanied by thoughts of current and future situation, trying to figure out the «truth» behind my circular minds.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                In today's session, continued thoughts from past few days. Concern that I will always be second best, less of a priority (for my partner). Take this as a reflection of my treatment of myself — putting others first, sacrificing my own happiness to try and please others, to keep their love etc.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Yesterday, was able to speak openly about some concerns, but today a lack of feeling that all has been resolved.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                General weakness in the body, tired, lack of motivation to do anything. Where has happiness gone???
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Would very much like somebody to come and wave a magic wand and «fix» everything. Of course, in reality, no such luck. More confusion. Lack of ability to make any decision, and when I do, yet question myself again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Feel blamed and blameless, guilty yet self-righteous. There appears to be no «right» way out of all this. Damned if I do and damned if I don't.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Another session run in the afternoon. Little to report. Not much body movement, occasional rotations and swaying but gently. Initially (as was in quite a down mood, hence starting the session) was angry and frustrated, wanted to hit myself in the hope of distracting from all the issues running around in my head. Future is uncertain. Feeling nauseous last few days, in the pit of my stomach, anxiety. I just don't know what to do with myself.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 05 november 2014, 15:21 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Final session before bed yesterday was good — some gentle movements, strong energy sensations.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Slept well, strange dreams which were largely based on a movie watched earlier in the day.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Awoke quite tired this morning though.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  After breakfast and cleaning apartment, ran standing session. Mind was very busy throughout, thinking about this and that.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Once more had the realisation that I was just standing in the session without much intention, just running it for the sake of it. Began to concentrate on energy sensations in hands.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Mood is improved today. Still unsure about the future in general, but anxiety about everything has come down significantly.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 06 november 2014, 21:33 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Session last night was good. Strong energy sensations in hands and arms.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Eventually some movement, focused mainly in the legs and lower torso. Realised, or it seemed like, Baibak was working on my legs and knees, and actually straightening out my legs. I've had hypermobility (double-jointedness) since birth, which means many of my joints stretch beyond the norm, and my knees are particularly «bad» in this sense, when I stand with them «locked» my legs are significantly bowed. This has led to problems with my knees intermittently through my life. I really felt yesterday that Baibak was actually working to strengthen the muscles around the knees to make it more comfortable to stand with my legs more straight and «normal». At one point in the session, very strong pain in right hand, the knuckle of my ring finger.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Today was very lazy with sessions, and woke up very tired and sleepy. Eventually started the day (quite late) and was productive in terms of finishing some work that has been going on for some time now. The final push and it just needs the «finishing touches». Experienced some discomfort and pain in the area of the uterus today, perhaps the cervix. Still unsure as to whether ovulation has actually occurred (should have been due a few days ago), though body is responding as if it has (increased breast size).

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Session at night (only one for the day) — mind was very busy at times. Noticed that in this session, body would move quite a lot only when the mind was wandering off. When I would focus my attention back on the bodily sensations, the movements would slow down. During one such moment of concentration, had very strong pins and needles in hands, particularly the left.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Realise that lack of routine in the day (and of course laziness sometimes) is causing sessions to be sporadic, and time schedule is changing to be later and later (wake up late, go to bed late). Missing natural light in the room to help program the body to wake up with the sun.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 09 november 2014, 12:11 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Slack with diary keeping past few days, had no desire to write anything, though sessions have been held.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Yesterday, a total of 3 standing sessions — all with good success. Work has been less on the physical level, as evident by the amount of time spent standing almost completely still.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Mind in these days has tormented me somewhat, reacting to situations, replaying conversations and toying with future replies. Many moments of feeling a sickness in the pit of my stomach, a feeling of being drained, psychologically weak.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Lack of outside activity, spending much time closed indoors, in poor light, without «normal» sleeping/waking patterns, chasing for the idea that will make everything come together.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      With some push from the beloved, managing to share more of my thoughts, though the habit to just sit and repeat/toy with endless «what ifs» and run in circles remains strong at times. At least there is an ability to express some things more clearly.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Also, realising many things about my current and previous state, the benefit of the ability to «go with the flow» but the frustration from not being able to see beyond into the future, no direction in life and a habit to «jump» at opportunities that the next day do not seem as amazing as first thought. Have seen this pattern throughout life, and it has often led to good situations, but equally to ones where I have wasted much time and energy.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Connected some issues to current problems with eyesight, partner mentioned Russian article about it on the site, and upon reading can relate to many of the points raised. Difficulty in that I do not know exactly when eyesight deteriorated, only that it became apparent after starting a new office job at age 21/22, but deterioration may have occurred for some time before this (I was surprised when taking a driving lesson to discover that my eyesight was not up to standard, had somehow managed without glasses up to this point). I estimate that deterioration started gently while at university, and increased dramatically upon starting job and new relationship which clearly had no real future, but I persisted in chasing it out of desperation.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Exhausted by the past day's events, but now coming to the stage where things are resolving. Frustration at having not seen things clearly, but feels like a heavy and dark load is being shifted, freeing up misspent energy. Many times during sessions, had the perception of a dark figure or shadow lurking around me, often pacing in front of me. No fear at this, just observed.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Many beautiful moments, wonderful feelings for the beloved, full of joy — I hope the frequency increases!

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      2 standing sessions held. In first session, the feeling of the dark shadow being lifted, or clearing. A few ideas for projects and future activities, some which brought great joy to think of. Some voluntary movement of neck/head and shoulder, with loud and uncomfortable grinding and popping in the shoulder. A lot of yawning, and eyes streaming sometimes as a result. Also, itchy eyes — happy to have the indication that some work is being done here.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      In the evening, some stressful experience booking tickets for future travel. In the end, everything fine, but some effort to get to this stage. Even at one point, getting very flustered that time was running out (a limited price offer), only to get «timed out» on my session. Aggravated, reentered details and discovered the price had now decreased! Thanked the stars, without scolding myself too much for my needless worry.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Second session held late in the night before bed. Sometimes subtle movement of the body, swaying and dancing. Strong energy sensations in hands, like energy inside and being emitted from my palms. Also energy felt up to the right elbow, so strong that it was dully painful with the sensation. Also, after this, pain in right wrist, and discomfort in left shoulder (perhaps after forceful movements in earlier session). Many minds during the session, often seeing that something (ego) is trying to draw me back into inner discussions about recent events. Just took some deep breaths and let them go — I have no need to spend my energy for such things, other than to look for beneficial realisations for myself, which are coming sometimes in sessions and sometimes outside of them.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Now, some dull/stuffiness in head and very tired.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 10 november 2014, 10:26 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Awoke sometime after going to bed feeling very cold, and with severe pain in lower abdomen/groin, stretching through colon. Was incredibly uncomfortable and painful to move in any way, tried moving onto side but pain became worse. Lay on my back, and eventually pain would subside, but then as soon as I moved would start again. Eventually went and I drifted back to sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Very strange dreams.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        First session of the day — hardly any body movement, only arms filling with energy and waving in small circles etc. at my sides.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Some minor worries started to appear, and felt the dark shadow cross my vision once more. Eventually this passed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Feel very tired today.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 11 november 2014, 10:54 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          2nd session yesterday I cannot now fully remember.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          At first, had no interest to conduct the session, but after partner started music I decided to join. A lot of movement, clicking and popping in ankles, knees and shoulder/neck.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Have noticed a lot of cleaning going on in area of the throat, some kind of excess mucus building up there.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Good communication with the beloved, though started bringing up some difficult issues. Expressed that I feel he doesn't trust/believe me in some things, very frustrating.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Also, joyful communication with parents — the chance of an upcoming visit after 2 years of being apart.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Final session was held at night — a trip to the beach, which was completely deserted. Found the noise of the waves calming, though my mood was already low at this point, and the session nor the natural surroundings did much to elevate it. Body swayed gently as I gazed at the moon, the sea, the beach. Not much more than that.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Awoke feeling pretty rotten, sleepy, still low from the uncovering of problems the previous night, and then added to by more difficulties expressed by the beloved. Altogether, just feel a kind of emptiness. Positive emotions are few and far between. Thoughts of anger, disappointment, rage, once more coming to the surface. Digging up more memories from the past, times when men hurt me, told wicked lies for their own gain and amusement.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Session held, and at first there was nothing. Then rage once more, anger at partner for the way his comments make me feel inside. Communication is markedly improved, but I still feel I cannot fully speak my mind because anything I say will somehow be turned around to make it my fault. Don't get me wrong, I know I have deep rooted issues. During such thoughts, again the urge to smack myself square in the face — resisted!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Baibak is helping immensely through all this, but now I start to feel like I need some help from somewhere, someone else, and I cannot for whatever reason find it in the beloved, which brings the mood down even more.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Started to think about lump in right breast, discovered some time ago, trying to work out the events in my life around the time it appeared. Now, I am not sure if it is still there at all. It has either disappeared, or has increased in size to the point that it is no longer detectable among the normal breast tissue. Started to weep upon such thoughts.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Occasionally in the session, pain in lower abdomen like a lightning bolt stretching across sideways.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Noticed scalp has been quite itchy last few days, and habit to scratch it very strong.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Feel stuck inside this apartment room. Want to go out, but don't have the energy, motivation, intention, and just where would I go exactly? Isolation. I have left the comfort of established social circles, no friends here.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Now will stop to write — see that my thoughts are taking me in downwards spiral. Will run another session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Ran a session lying on the sofa, felt relaxed. Various minds coming and going. Still a lot of anger and aggression. The feeling of a lack of support. Thoughts of my father, missing his stable support. Some energy felt in arms and hands. After session finished, drifted off to sleep, and when I next awoke it appeared that I had automatically started another session. Allowed the energy to flood my body and eventually fell back to sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Felt somewhat revived when I next awoke, though mood still pretty flat. Showered, attempted to busy myself with some things, but eventually opted to go back to the sofa for another session. Not much more to report here, felt relaxed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Now, feeling mild improvement overall, realise that I want to connect with my femininity more and more, but still this feeling that I need some guidance to do it. Work with Baibak is helping to uncover all sorts of nasty things from my past, and I'm not sure that I can deal with them without «professional» help.....Missing connection and communication with other women, but feel restricted in my current situation.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 12 november 2014, 16:36 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            So, much frustration, argumentative states etc. today and during the night. Much aggression, sadness. Too tired of it all to go into any further detail, as it is at this stage irrelevant. It needs to be resolved not bounced around my head. Once again the beloved spoke of the vision protocol — I have been apprehensive about it, not sure that I was ready, in fact quite scared of dealing with the effects, but it beats continuing down the current path, so decided to start work with the protocol today.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Physical sensations in the first session:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Pin pricks in wrists, fingers, and legs, as if being bitten by an insect.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Pressure in various points of the head.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Tingling waves across the outside of my head, on the sides.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            — Triangle of pressure across the bridge of my nose — exactly where my old glasses would have been, and I remember a similar sensation when I used to take them off after long periods. The sensation lasted for almost the entire session.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Note: After starting Baibak, I stopped wearing my glasses, using them only when driving (sometimes!). I have now not taken them out of their case for over 1 month.

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Other effects:
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Vision of people on a sofa, and I on another next to them (viewed from afar, not as myself) — everybody got up and left. Then saw a strange woman, with very sharp haircut and glasses. I did not recognise her.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Another vision, saw a pair of glasses in front of me (as if I was wearing them, though they stuck out quite far) — on the lenses were flashing visions, fast moving colours and lights. In the middle (where would be the part to put on my nose), I got the distinct impression of Leonardo Da Vinci's «Vitruvian Man». Eventually this, and the glasses, faded.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            At times, I realised I was tensing the muscles of my face. Made a conscious effort to relax again. In one such moment, opened my mouth and let my jaw drop gradually. As I did so, became aware that the back of my throat was blocked, allowing me to breathe through my nose (a habit kept from yoga). Released this hold and took in air through my mouth. Saw the vision of my mouth as that of a snake's, fangs protruding out but tongue held inside. After fully relaxing, the vision faded and my mouth almost closed, staying open only enough to breathe.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Came to the thought, that my processes have been going well but have slowed down, and I am now facing many deep emotional and behavioural things that are causing much friction in my life and relationship. I've been digging up layer after layer, but now I'm coming to the harder stuff, more like concrete than dirt, and if I use a pickax I'll be here for months — better to use the jackhammer — it will make a lot of noise and mess, but the job will be faster and more efficient.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            1. Sarah Jackson 13 november 2014, 10:58 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Baibak session yesterday before bed — nothing significant to note. Some body movements etc.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Forgot to mention that after Baibak Vision, had some instability in legs — felt slightly wobbly, and pressure/dull pain in head. After some time these effects faded.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Baibak session this morning — again, nothing unusual. Some body swaying and rotating, arms making circles and waving at my sides.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Note that I feel very slightly nauseous, as if after eating too much.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Mood is improved somewhat — feel some inspiration/motivation to actually do somethings.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Yesterday night, finally painted the existing sketch for my third eye chakra picture (I had drawn the outline around 5 weeks ago) — seems fitting that it is only now, starting to work with vision protocol, that it is completed.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Feel the urge to conduct another vision session today (read the recommendation to do every other day at first), so will see how I feel later. Perhaps just some additional Baibak sessions will suffice.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Note that I am also now at 4 months of practice — will probably write a review in the next few days to update on the changes.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Session later, at night — not much to report. Some movement, many minds about ridiculous ideas (minor details in my life, distractions from the «real world»).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              1. Sarah Jackson 14 november 2014, 09:26 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Two further sessions held yesterday — one standing, and one lying down in bed before sleep. Again nothing specific to note.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Felt quite nauseous in the evening, especially before final session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Awoke in the morning feeling quite tired but ok. Very strange dreams in the night — will not repeat as they really were some bizarre nonsense, and cannot really «grasp» the memory of them anyway.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Session held in the morning — hardly any body movement, only arms/hands swaying and circling at my sides. Some occasional minds, but again about non-important details.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Note that I have had some pain in left leg, inner thigh right at the top (to the side and below the groin). Escalated during last night when trying to sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Held vision session in the evening. Quite different from the first session. Initially, no movement of body and some subtle movement of arms. Initial heaviness felt in arms, and some full pain in upper right arm. Small period of pain again in left inner thigh. Eventually, arms started to float upwards, and move around the energy field perceptible around me, very much like some of my early Baibak sessions. Had some occasional memories from past events and ideas, some significant, some less so. Also some moments of minor distraction by my mind.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Another Baibak session held later in the day — again not much to note. Body occasionally swaying forwards and backwards, arms swinging very gently by my sides.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                Have been feeling quite «empty» at times these past few days. After one harsh discussion with the beloved a few days ago, had started toying with thoughts of leaving, playing out some fantasy scenarios. I was filled with rage, and my mind went on overdrive to support my ego and «show me the way». Since this, I have struggled to regain the feelings of love and desire that once were there, and not just for him but for myself also. I had been developing, in terms of self love, learning to accept my being, my body, my «flaws», but like the passion I felt so recently, such thoughts have all but disappeared. Desire for intimacy is simply low. It is unclear if this is just a purification as part of Baibak/Vision protocols, or evidence of something deeper, or both. Perhaps a reflection of past situations.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                I am currently at a loss as to what to do. I would quite like to go and hide somewhere until it passes, but I'm sure this would not bring any benefit. I will continue working with the protocols, and trust that things will become more clear given time.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                1. Sarah Jackson 15 november 2014, 05:30 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Today some marginal improvement.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Actually woke up before 11am!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Signs of period starting (light spotting), on day 30 of my cycle — this is very good news, and is a stable result for 2 months now.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Forgot to mention in last post that all yesterday (and I think the day before) had constipation — not noticeably uncomfortable, but quite unusual for me and I guess left me feeling quite sluggish. Some minimal movement this morning. Psychosomatic explanations for this are in line with current feelings/anxiety.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Generally there feels a kind of «freshness» today in the air (from the air-conditioner?!).
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  After breakfast, felt incredibly tired. Just wanted to sleep. Lay down in bed and started a session. Fell asleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Awoke sometime later, feeling lethargic. Not much motivation to do anything.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  Ran a standing session in the afternoon. Some bodily movement. The feeling that there's «not much going on». Again felt tired after session finished, and took some time for legs to feel «normal» for some reason.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                  1. Sarah Jackson 16 november 2014, 06:37 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Ran two standing sessions yesterday, and a further session lying down before sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    This morning, one standing session before breakfast.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Mood, and in particular libido, have plummeted. Feelings of «free love» (confidence in myself, wanting to be seen and admired by my partner etc.) have disappeared, and instead been replaced by the all-too-familiar shyness, wanting to hide my body, not be seen or desired, a great discomfort. These feelings have appeared «out of nowhere» and are reminiscent of my last relationship, and times before this.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Burnt my finger a few days ago — frying breakfast and the oil spurted out the pan hitting my finger and right breast (through my t-shirt). The burn on my finger is angry — a blister of pus sticking out.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Constantly distracted by minds, trying to «figure things out» but getting nowhere really.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    From today, I will run vision sessions everyday alongside Baibak sessions. I want this state to be resolved.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Vision session conducted sitting down. Found it quite easy initially to «switch off» and let the protocol run. Eventually, started thinking of some past memories, though now I cannot recall what they were, even who they involved. Though I did not feel particularly tired, I started to drift off to sleep occasionally, finding my head nodding downward and then I would suddenly «awake». Found this quite strange actually, as I did not feel like I'd been asleep at all in these moments, but the physical signs of it happening repeated again and again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    After session finished, I curled up and fell asleep on the sofa, then moved to the bed and started another Baibak session before falling asleep again.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    Period has started today. Last few days had dull pain in both breasts, this has now gone. Some cramping in uterus in the morning but has also gone.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    1. Sarah Jackson 17 november 2014, 08:12 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Baibak session lying down yesterday evening, was full of rage before starting, tried to start standing up but movements of the beloved creating noise made me even more enraged, so opted to lie on the sofa and use headphones/eye mask. Was taken to memories of my birth, lying in a cot and family coming to pick me up, hold me close to them. I felt an overwhelming sense of love. I cried. I just wanted to be back in that perfect stage, no flaws, no mistakes, and pure love from all around. The rage inside me melted away, though my left hand, which had balled into a tight fist upon starting the session, remained so, and I had to painfully uncurl it once finished.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Further session run before bed lying down, and went to sleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Strange dreams once more. Sexual themes, as well as job related (separate dreams!)
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Was awoken very early, but stayed in bed until around 11am. No motivation to get up and do anything.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Ran one standing session, mind was uncontrollably busy. So many thoughts and ideas swimming around. I feel a little bit like I will go crazy. Issues of trust, love, the main themes. Feel a sickness in the pit of my stomach.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Conflict, open wounds, issues are repeatedly being brought to the surface.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      I started the process of writing a 4 month review, but given the current phase of work, using vision protocol, I have decided to postpone this for some time until things are more clear.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      Vision session run later in the day. Some bodily movement, and once again mind busy with all sorts of unimportant things — the feeling at the end of the session that I have «wasted» it.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                      1. Sarah Jackson 18 november 2014, 09:29 # +1
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Resolution is coming.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Mood has improved.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Situation with the beloved is also restoring. There are still issues of to be worked through. In discussions, opened up that I was struggling with trust. There had been moments recently where attempts to be intimate made me feel like I was being attacked, memories of old events and experiences. This has now cleared. I still feel some awkwardness in some moments, but my body is beginning to open once more and accept the love of my partner, which is wonderful :-) Sexual appetite is up and down, but this is a marked improvement from previous days, when it was permanently down!
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Conducting 1 vision session per day alongside Baibak sessions. Mind continues to be quite restless. In today's vision session, started wandering off down a random thought trail, right eye started to itch, and I instinctively started to rub it. Within a second, caught myself and stopped, exclaiming «oh» out loud as I realised what I was doing. After this, arms started to float up and move around, raising and coming together outstretched in front of me, then back to my sides. Eventually, the movements became a fluid pair of infinity loops being spun in front of me. This continued until the end of the session. Also, strange sensation in right hand/wrist, as if there was a kind of splint or single bone running from the back of my hand up my arm. Not painful, but strong sensation that continued for a few minutes after the session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Later, struggled with inner tension, twisting hands and twitching legs nervously. After competing with myself for some time, initiated a session sitting down. Right at the start, had the vision of some maniacal woman trapped behind bars, screaming to get out, pointed teeth, crazed hair and a look of sheer rage in her eyes — she was scary, she is me.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        Session allowed me to come calm, but feeling a bit down afterwards.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                        1. Sarah Jackson 20 november 2014, 17:05 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Purifications and realisations keep on coming.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Last few days have started to grasp just how much tension, aggression, anger etc. I have held inside myself over the years. A seemingly timid personality at times yet feisty at others, I spent much of my adult life «holding back», not releasing anger when it arose, instead suppressing it, particularly in work situations where «the customer is always right».
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Had a lot of anger yesterday over a seemingly wasted opportunity, frustrated that I did not put myself first.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          The feeling that I am following others, not living my life for myself.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Mood is generally improving every day. Notice that I am able to detach from certain negative situations faster than before, or at least recognise them.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Continue to hold sessions.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          Continue to have very vivid dreams, still strong themes of a sexual nature. Realise that I have for a long time been ashamed of my sexuality. Strained relationship with parents meant that I had to hide my activities, could not discuss anything openly, worried that would be judged, cast out. This is reflected in content of dreams.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                          1. Sarah Jackson 21 november 2014, 17:43 # 0
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Difficult and painful processes today.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Vision session run in the morning after a difficult night — conversations on familiar themes with the beloved, struggling to resolve the situation.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            After vision session, opened communication once more — very difficult.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Lay down and ran Baibak. Wonderful cleaning of memories. Able to see past situations involving one man (boy) who had caused me much grief and sorrow. Saw situations from his perspective, opened up parts of the story that I had previously blocked in order to keep up the pretense of me being the victim, something my ego very much likes to play. Forgave this man. Also others, there were many memories that came during this 1st session, saw that this period of my life is a somewhat tangled web of sexual «mistakes» and struggles with being myself. And then began the physical pain. Period started a few days ago, but bleeding was light. Well, today it really started. During first session, cramps in uterus began, and I could feel the heavy bleeding start.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            After session used bathroom then came back for another session lying down. Not so many «important» realisations during this one, mind started to be more busy with other things. Again, used bathroom and after some time initiated another session.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Have now lost count of the number of sessions I have done today lying down. Cramps became almost unbearable, leaving me writhing in agony sometimes, or crying out. The fact that the pain was a mixture of cramps due to period, and also pain from trapped gas, made it doubly excruciating.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Somehow I thanked the processes, understanding that this sudden heavy flow and pain is the release of built up tension.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Continued to run sessions in bed through the day, sometimes falling asleep.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            Now, the pain is much less frequent but still some discomfort. Dull constant pain in head also.