2 month review
I have just completed 2 months of practicing the Baibak system, and so it is time for my review. To be honest, there are far more changes that have happened than I can recall to include in this review. Some have been monumental, some more subtle. I have tried to include everything that I can remember, that I have noticed, but it would be fair to say that the practice has positively changed many more things than are mentioned here.
Expectations about the system after reading the book/before practice:
I had been looking for something like Baibak for some time. It came to me when I needed it most, and so my expectations were pretty high! I was hoping it would be the “thing I’m searching for”, the one tool that I would be able to use to its full effect, and not just try it and then get bored of it as had been the case with other practices.
Specifically, I wanted to heal myself from several larger things – lump in right breast (discovered over a year ago but strong fear to get checked out by a western doctor), poor eyesight (already improved from -2.5 to -2 as a result of other practices and reducing the time that I wore my glasses), Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome, issues with food and weight, to name just a few. More than that, I expected the system to be some fantastical practice. I had experienced healing via energy (and energy itself) through other practices, namely Reiki (not from myself but from others), Rebirthing (again from other qualified practitioners), yoga (“full” hatha yoga, including energy work/manipulation), and Theta Healing (I’m a certified practitioner). However, Baibak appeared so different in its nature, that I was unsure whether to expect something similar or not. It seemed too easy. Not just that, but it really called for a “leap of faith”. I have heard about, and studied, some of the theories about information fields. I have also experienced various states of consciousness (both chemically induced, and via methods such as meditation). I have come to know various esoteric teachings about the nature of this universe. And yet, to believe that someone can construct such a system as Baibak, that utilises said information field by the subconscious, takes some effort. I guess the most impressive thing (in hindsight), is that it doesn’t actually matter whether you believe in it or not – Baibak doesn’t hold a grudge!
Reading the book, I have to say that I was quite apprehensive of the purifications that I would experience during practice, but in actual fact they were not so terrible. Uncomfortable of course, and at times they left me feeling very weak, but Baibak gave me the power to get through them, and, when appropriate, to understand where they were coming from.
Frequency of sessions:
Started out with one session every couple of days, but quickly moved to two sessions per day (within the first week, in the morning and at night before bed), then three sessions per day (conducting one in my lunch break at work). After some time, I began to increase frequency when I felt it was needed, i.e. when I had strong exacerbations such as a particularly painful ear infection, headaches, period pains, etc. Also more recently ran sessions when I felt very tired, as the initial drowsiness after sessions, at some point switched, for energy bursts after sessions. I also conducted an intensive session over the course of one day, at a time when I really felt I needed a more deep operation on my issues, and this was of great benefit at that time.
1. Posture – Before, had walked/stood with quite a stoop, which was always noticeable when posing for photos etc. Being significantly taller than most of my friends meant I always felt like a bit of a giant, and thus adjusted my height to “fit in”. Now, I walk taller, more confidently. My shoulders are not so hunched over, and I find it much easier to sit or stand for longer periods of time, with a straight back.
2. Weight – Before starting, I had began putting on weight the last few months. Over the past 2 years, I experimented with a high fruitarian/raw diet, and enjoyed the significant slimming of my body. After moving to a city lifestyle, I started gaining weight fairly rapidly, and was unhappy with my size. Now, my weight has normalised. I feel more comfortable in my own skin, neither fat nor skinny, just “normal”, the right size for me. I don’t spend ages agonising over my food choices!
3. Eyesight – Before practice, I wore glasses every day, at a strength of -2/-2.5. I had managed to reduce this down to -2 and -1.75, but was still heavily reliant on my glasses. Soon after starting practice, I made the decision to stop wearing them. I have occasionally resorted to using them when driving, particularly in bad conditions (rain). Whilst my eyesight has not fully healed, I have noticed some improvement in long distance focus. More than that, I feel confident that I do not need my glasses, that I can go out of the house and leave them at home, and nothing bad will happen!
4. Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) – Before practice, I was experiencing heavy, painful, and significantly extended periods (menstruation). Aching in breasts during menstruation, cramps, unwanted hair growth, mood swings, and general feeling of exhaustion. Now, although I’m still bleeding for a few weeks at a time, bleeding is considerably lighter. I no longer have painful cramps. My breasts do not ache. The time in-between bleeding has increase to 4 weeks, instead of 3 days (last period before practice, I had been bleeding for months, with only days in between each one). Other symptoms are still evident, but I’m confident that Baibak is working on these as is necessary.
5. Candida (thrush) – Before practice, along with PCOS, I’d been suffering from a chronic thrush infection. Any time that I was not bleeding, I would have great discomfort in my lower regions (itching, burning, pain, and at times a less than pleasant odour – sorry for detail!). Now, I am completely free of all symptoms, and have been for at least the past month or more. Give this was having a major effect on my sex life, it has made a whole world of difference to my relationship with my partner.
6. Chronic pain and tension in neck, shoulders, back – Before practice, this was something I was dealing with on a daily basis. Now, I rarely have any pain in these areas. My neck and back feel more free, movement is more easy. There is, of course, occasional tension, when I have been working long hours at my laptop etc., but overall I would not say that these areas are a “problem” any more.
7. Overall strength in body – Similar to that described above, but on a more general level. Before practice, I felt that my body was weak. As a result of all things described above, and a general feeling of weakness within myself, my body did not feel strong, and was easily damaged. After practice, I feel how my legs are more strong, stable, and firm. Similarly, muscles in my arms have become more pronounced. There is an overall feeling of strength and vitality radiating from my spine throughout my whole being.
8. Overall self-worth and beauty – Believing I am beautiful has always been a bit of a challenge for me, even when others tell me so. I have gone through periods of really believing it, and periods where I felt like a hideous monster. Before practice, I flitted between these two states often, most usually ending up somewhere in the middle “I’m not ugly. but I’m not the most stunning person either”. My face, my body, my size, shape, voice, hair, eyes, breast size, ass, legs, arms, every part of me felt like it could do with some improving, though I was “satisfied” with it overall. Now, I’m finally starting to believe what others tell me – I am beautiful. I look at myself in the mirror, and I see a beautiful, feminine woman staring back at me. It’s wonderful!
9. Movement – Before practice, I often felt unsure and unsteady on my feet. I was afraid to walk in the jungle, or even walk barefoot in grass sometimes. Now, I feel strong. My steps are confident. My legs are stable. I feel a certain “earth energy” and connection that was not there before. I want to walk on bare rocks, on grass, sand.
10. Appetite – Before practice, I often experienced, and succumbed to, cravings for sweets, cakes, salt. I habitually ate food that was not good for me, and then regretted it, always living in a constant battle of wills with myself. During and following practice, my “appetite” has significantly decreased. I no longer feel hungry through the day. I have stopped to overeat, now able to say “thank you, I’m full” instead of feeling the need to finish my plate out of politeness. I no longer eat “risky” food – if it looks or smells suspicious, I don’t eat it! I also am able to listen to my body more. I am no longer eating things out of habit (most of the time – Baibak is still working on this with me!), instead choosing what to eat based on what I actually want.
11. Sex — Before practice, I would say that my sex life was fine. And that says a lot. I struggled many times with pain (during intercourse), confidence issues, lack of libido (mainly due to prolonged use of contraceptive pill, which I’d stopped using over a year ago), and this greatly affected my relationship with my partner. Whilst practicing Baibak, all of these issues improved. Our time together became better, closer, synchronised. I was able to let go of issues holding me back. My body became more accepting of another’s touch. Libido also increased, something I had been craving for so long.
12. Bodily synchronisation with monthly cycle — Having been on the contraceptive pill for more than 10 years(!), and ceasing to take it over a year ago, my body was all over the place in terms of being regulated in line with my cycle. Whilst practicing Baibak, I noticed that the changes in my body through the month started correctly matching my cycle (boobs getting bigger when they’re supposed to, libido changing through the month). I became able to predict and monitor my cycle based on the signs given to me by my own body – what a blessing!
1. Internal power – Before practice, I can quite honestly say that I felt weak on many levels. Physically, my body was not strong. But also mentally, I felt like I was under constant attack from my own mind, unable to cope with the purifications that were coming as a result of other practices (yoga etc.), and to deal with the deep emotional issues that I was harbouring inside. Now, I feel much more internal power. I feel able to deal with everything that comes to me. I feel a strength of mind that I has missed before, more sure of myself, of my opinions, of what I want, and of what I believe. I know that any issues that come to the surface (old events etc. being cleared) will not cause me any harm, and will not push me into bouts of depression, hatred etc. (see below).
2. Depression – Before practice, I had suffered from occasional bouts of depression, usually involving spending a day or two pushing away everyone around me, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling overwhelmed by everything around me. Now, I feel able to cope with any challenges that arise. Yes, I still have sadness inside me, but I know how to deal with it, and that I can deal with it. Crying that would have lasted for hours before, now finishes in minutes, as I become more able to observe my behavior and not get caught up in habits. My depressive outbursts also saw me hitting myself, quite violently, in an act of self-hatred, often leaving visible bruising and a lot of pain. Not to mention the blows to my head, which I knew were making significant damage (to my brain) but felt, at times, unable to control myself. This behaviour has just melted away. I no longer punish my body in this way. I have had moments where I’ve felt myself slipping into this habit, but since practicing Baibak, I’ve been able to pull myself out every time, without exception (either “by myself”, or by running a session).
3. Anxiety – Before practice, I would often suffer from periods of extreme anxiety, fearing the future, even the smallest details. In particular, worries about work took a lot of my time and energy, both while I was at work and at home. This often left me feeling weak and unsure of myself, fearing that my work was not good enough, or that I needed to do more. Now, I feel much more relaxed about my work. I know that I am doing a good job, and I also feel confident to put a firm block between my time, and work time. I no longer spend evenings worrying about a deadline. I just do what I can, and relax, and things seem to just fall into place naturally. I also feel more relaxed about life in general. I don’t worry about whether I will have enough money, or what people think of me. I just get on with my life!
4. Speaking my mind (and not people pleasing) – To say I was a bit of a people pleaser before practice is an understatement. I was constantly seeking the approval of others, trying to do what I thought they wanted. This went so far as biting my tongue, holding back my true thoughts so as not to upset anyone. Baibak has given me the power to see that it is ok to disagree with someone. It is ok to tell someone that they are taking the piss, if they are! I still maintain a level of respect, of course, but I no longer “tolerate” foolishness in those around me. I speak my mind (when appropriate) and don’t take any shit!
5. Joy for life – Before practice, I’d felt a lack of passion, of joy for life. Daily routines had become monotonous. Energy for my own hobbies etc. was lacking. On the rare occasions that I really enjoyed something, the feeling was short-lived as I had to go “back to reality” soon after. Now, I feel that my passion and joy for life is revitalised. I take the time to see more beautiful moments. I am excited about the present and the future. There have been difficult periods, of course, but coming through them to the “other side” is a pleasure, and seeing, or rather noticing, the wonders all around me is a real blessing.
6. Passion and motivation to work for myself, and not for somebody else – I’ve always had this idea that I could work for myself, and not spend my whole life working for somebody else, always answerable to them. Before practice, I had the desire to find something for myself, but couldn’t quite find the answer. Now, I truly feel that I have the motivation and power to make my dreams a reality. Ideas for self employment have come to light, paving the way for the future I had before only imagined.
7. Letting go of energy held by past events, particularly sexual history – I’ve left this one until last, as it’s a pretty big one. My past is littered with negative events and experiences, particularly around sex. I had held on to so much grief and sadness, not to mention anger and distrust of both myself and others. Now, I feel that this old energy has been cleared, not completely, but a huge weight has been lifted. During practice, I saw many events that occurred some years ago, that I still held on to for some reason. I watched as they were cleared and resolved, freeing up the energy that was spent keeping them. As part of the practice with Baibak, I was able to forgive both myself and others for past mistakes and events.
8. Creativity – I enjoy to paint, to make music, to make things with my hands. Before practice, I sometimes had wonderful bouts of creativity, and was able to work and make things for days on end, but then I would lapse into a void of creativity, and feel like a failure because of it. During practice, I started a series of chakra paintings, working from each one for around a week or so, forming personal mantras for each one, and painting a mandala to represent that particular chakra. I no longer feel pressured to create. I just do it when I feel like it, and it comes easily and I enjoy finding this flow when it is appropriate. I will be glad to add my pictures once I have finished (I have 2 more to go). I also revel in signing at the top of my voice while driving, without caring whether i sound good or not! I just enjoy it.
1. Relationship with partner – This is one of the biggest and most fundamental parts of my life to be affected by Baibak. Before practice, our relationship, like many other things in my life, had started to stagnate. The passion was slowly waning, and it was clear that we were both struggling to work out what to do (we chose different ways to deal with it, mine was ignoring the problem). During practice, relations were strained to say the least. There were ugly moments, full of negative emotions and experiences. It was hard. But, now the 2 months have passed, I see all the work that Baibak did, for both of us. Our connection has opened like a blossoming flower. Honesty, trust, communication, love, passion, sex, understanding – these are all things that have significantly improved, as an obvious direct effect of Baibak practice.
2. Relationship with parents – Before practice, my relationship with my parents was already pretty good, but I kept a lot of resentment again them, for various things from the past. Following practice, I feel that this has lifted. My communication with them is going from strength to strength, as I feel more able to be honest with them about what I want, and more importantly who I am.
3. Working relationships (respect from colleagues) – Some of this I covered above (with regards to people pleasing etc.), but on an overall level my relationships with the people I work with has got better and better. I feel respected. I feel valued. At the start of practice, I was dubious about being able to conduct sessions whilst at work, though I wanted to, as 2 a day was proving to be not enough to move things forward. In actual fact, it was easy, and my boss was very accommodating (I told her it was a meditation practice, and agreed to conduct sessions in my lunch break). I think the decision to ask this only strengthened the respect I earned. Before practice, I felt appreciated to some extent, but during and after practice I would say I feel greatly valued, and have had requests on more than one occasion to stay (I had planned to leave at the end of this month anyway, something that was already known at work). I am no longer under constant observation from my boss and colleagues, as they trust me to do the job I am required to do, and just leave me to it.
4. Relaxed friendships – Before practice, I often found it hard to have good relationships with my friends, often feeling like I had to please them in order to be their friends. I found relationships particularly at work,, where there is a strong social culture, and I felt many times that I needed to be part of this social group, in order to make work easier. During Baibak practice, and now, I feel much more confident to step out of the social circle, which does not actually offer so much benefit for me anyway. I don’t feel like I need to be everyone’s friend, and I feel more relaxed being myself 100% with the people that I do want to be friends with.
5. Work, salary, money, and abundance – Like many, I was living in fear. Before practice, I was constantly worried about money, about how to secure a stable financial situation, about how to have all the things I wanted, without spending all my money etc. Now, I feel more and more relaxed about finances. Though I am about to leave my regular, salaried job, which has supported both myself and my boyfriend for the past year, I am not terrified of what will happen next. I’m excited about being able to pave my own way, about being able to support myself financially, in partnership with my boyfriend. Recently, I have been able to go and buy all the things I wanted. New clothes (to replace the ragged ones I’d been keeping for so long, feeling that I couldn’t afford to buy new stuff, or that I should live some more frugal lifestyle and wear second-hand stuff etc.), fresh products that feel good on my skin (and in my body), good food etc. I don’t feel that I have to worry over ever penny. In addition, general abundance has increased. People are giving me useful items all the time. I see something that I’m lacking, (simple recent example – a particular style of hairband) and a friend just happens to have one that they don’t want and so give it to me. On the opposite side of this, I’ve become more generous, reciprocating with things that I don’t want. I feel like I am now living a more abundant life. Anything I want and need comes to me with ease – it’s pretty fantastic!!!
6. Interactions with strangers (salespeople etc.) – Before practice (years ago), I was a bit of a shopaholic. This then went to another extreme when I left my high-flying city life to come to Asia, and started living more frugally. As part of this, I started to loathe shopping, finding it a tiresome process. Several failed shopping attempts left me feeling frustrated and stuck in the old things I desperately wanted to replace. After practice, I actually enjoy shopping again! I went for a recent trip, and haggling (which I used to hate, feeling that it sucked my energy) was a joy. I reveled in the process of bartering, feeling like I was just an actor in a play who was reading through the script with another actor. I got everything I wanted, and for the price I was happy and willing to pay. I came home feeling satisfied with my purchases, and now no longer dread going to buy something again.
7. Less time social networking – Although I still read through the feed on facebook (normally out of boredom), this situation has changed significantly. Before practice, I would quite easily spend hours pouring through other’s posts on social networks, reading pointless articles they shared, commenting on statuses, and feeling the need to post things on my own page so that others would see I’m still alive and doing stuff. I’d feel sad when people didn’t comment on my posts etc. Now, I have removed many people from my feed. I don’t feel the need to keep in contact with people who provide nothing but negativity on their pages. I feel more free from this societal, dictated, means of living.
Most difficult thing to pass through during practice:
• Laziness – There were times when I really didn’t feel like practicing. I was still smoking weed in the early weeks of practice, and this left me feeling very lazy to practice fully –it was much easier to go and lie down in bed, start practice and go to sleep, than to stand for the 18 minutes. This has come less and less, and I now feel able to recognise when my body really needs a break, and when it’s just my ego/laziness trying to get me to skip practice.
• Holding on to sickness and personality traits (“weak woman”, “victim”, “abuse”) – I fully recognise that many of my sicknesses and habits were serving me in some way (albeit with negative effect), and Baibak has allowed me to see this much clearer, letting go of things that only cause problems and tension.
• Continuing practice during severe exacerbations, and not resorting to medical drugs – ok so this one, I somewhat failed during practice. One of the most extreme exacerbations, an ear infection, saw me reach for the antibiotics and painkillers. I used them in conjunction with Baibak, but eventually ceased to take them, realising that they would only prolong my suffering. This was a significant slip in my intention to practice, to heal myself, and a lesson well learned!
• Period of tension with partner – letting go of fears to be myself, to speak my mind, and to look inside myself for what I really want, and who I really am. My fears controlled me for so long, that letting them go was particularly hard. I was so afraid of losing the one I love, that I was compromising myself in order to “keep him”, ignoring the fact that this only served to feed the negative issues that were growing between us. Baibak, and the wonderful souls behind it, helped me to move through this, to see who I really am, who I can be, that anything is possible. To say that my relationship with my partner is stronger doesn’t come close to describe what we went through, and what stage we are at now!
What more is there to say? THANK YOU! Thank you Baibak, thank you subconscious, thank you Nik and Ksenia, and thank you to my beautiful partner – going through this together has been tough but oh-so-worth-it. This has been an unforgettable experience, and it just gets better and better. I am eternally grateful.